Why I Didn't Know Anything 10 Years Ago... And Still Don't.

In a few short hours, I celebrate 29. What the heck has happened with my life?

I feel like I should be sitting in a Starbucks doing homework trying to figure out what I'm supposed to do with my life. Oh wait... I still am. I'm in the last 2 weeks of completing my Master's Degree. (Let's have a moment of celebration of that, shall we????!!!) Ten years ago, I was praying I made it through my first year of college without failing out. High school DID NOT prepare me for college regardless of what everyone in my life told me. They were convinced that I would be fully successful in college and it would change my life. Well it did and not in the way I thought it would. And so did the rest of my life.

Let's make some comparisons:
19: Thought I would sin less as I grew up and "matured."
29: Realizing that I am intellectually smarter now than I was then but I justify more sin, there's not less sin in my life.

19: "Note taking queen"(yeah freakin' right.)
29: My journals are in various colors and I've assumed that everyone uses my system of outlining and note taking in their church sermons. Oh, you don't?

19: Naive as ever
29: Naive as ever

19: Ready to be independent and be a "grown-up"
29: Taking back all of my words that I wanted to be a grown-up. Growing up sucks.

19: Wanted to be around people who just fluffed me up and encouraged me.

29: Want to be around people who tell me the truth and encourage me.

19: Thought I had my life figured out. Married at 22. Kids by 25. Teaching and being Teacher of the Year by 23.
29: My life is a hot mess. Adequate. Not married. 1,000 kids over the last 6 years. I actually was chosen as Teacher of the Year during my 3rd year of teaching (25) and I was completely floored and shocked when I realized exactly what it was.

19: In a few years, I'll be living in Chattanooga or Atlanta. Probably won't leave the country.
29: Living in Las Vegas. Been to Africa 4 times and I'm planning my 5th trip for next summer. Will I ever leave Las Vegas? What am I doing with my life?

19: Have relationships figured out.
29: Let's refer back to the hot mess account. Nothing in relationships is figured out.

19: My professors have no idea what types of obstacles I've created for myself.
29: My kids have no idea what types of obstacles they create for themselves.

19: I'm amazing.
29: I'm an idiot.

So, as you can see. Most things are different. I'm still ridiculous. Clearly. I still don't know much of anything. Clearly. And I hope that your life is never what you hope and more than what you dream. Happy last year of 20's to me!

-Melissa

You keep painting white walls.

This past summer at camp with high schoolers from Hope, I heard a speaker share this story (apologize that some of the details may be a little different as I remember it!):

There was a painter who gave a man a room. The painter told the man, "You can paint the room any color you would like but I promise that you will like white best." At first the man agreed and enjoyed the white walls but after a while, he realized that he would like a new color so he begged the painter to paint his room red. The painter reminded the man of how beautiful the room was in white and how disappointed the man would be with a red room. The man changed his mind and decided to keep the white room. After much time, the man again approached the painter and begged (even more this time) to paint the room red. The painter tried to persuade the man but the man would not and could not be swayed. The room had to be red. The painter reluctantly painted his white room very red. After the walls were completed, the man realized he didn't like the red walls and really agreed with the painter that white was best for the room. The painter patiently repainted the room white. The man was at peace again but the painter had been hurt the man had asked for the room to be red. The painter knew the best color was white.

This is one of the best and most beautiful pictures I've ever had shared with me about Gods best. In the story, God is the painter and I (and you) are represented by the man. God insists that we have white walls and His likeness. We beg him to please give us what we want and, in turn, paint the walls red time and again. The amazing thing about God is He always repaints. He warns us that we wil not like the red paint and even begs us not to choose the color; yet we do. Over and over again. After the walls are red, we run back to God crying and asking why our walls are red, as if it's His fault that we chose sin for ourselves. 

I'm guilty of painting red walls with my selfish choices, sinful thoughts and unclear vision of what He wants. I paint red with my blatant disobedience to the small and big things. I paint red when I don't tell the Truth and I don't approach people with love. I choose red walls when I live in an impure mindset and beg God to let me have what I want. 

He knows best. Without question. He doesn't miss a beat. He always paints white, even when my walls are deeply stained and engrained in red. He lovingly paints white while I sit in my sin. He pursues me and does not stop. I must get to the end of myself and choose white walls. I know Gods best but I don't always choose. It's like I've looked at the white walls and enjoyed them but played the "What if?" game with the walls and questioned whether white is actually the best. It is. It always is.

Thank you Jesus that you always choose white walls for me. You paint white walls over the red I have chosen for myself. Thank you for the process and the endurance in which you pursue me. 

-Melissa 

A book, a rescue, and a message.

“How can you turn and walk away from the oppressed and wounded once they stare back into your eyes?” –Christine Caine, Undaunted

This is similar to a question I’ve asked myself multiple times before. How do I go to school, teach students who desperately need a mom/aunt/nurse/counselor/sister/care-giver/provider/etc. every day and just walk away and leave that? The truth is I can’t. I still can’t shake Kevin’s eyes when he told me his story in my first year of teaching. I still can’t shake the look on one of my girls’ faces when she brought me a note to tell me she was pregnant. I can’t shake the look of devastation on one of my girls’ faces when she found out her brother had been killed in another country. I can’t even shake from today the stories my students told me in conversations about their family, culture, belief system, and daily life. I can’t shake the plea of so many of my kids who have just been desperate to have someone care about them for a moment. To have someone genuinely ask how their day was. I do my best to do this all the time. But sometimes I fail. Sometimes I lose a student’s trust. Sometimes I apologize. Sometimes I gain the trust back. Sometimes I don’t do anything. I fail. I can’t recount the multiple times that I’ve responded in a way that was disobedient to what God had asked. I can think of so many times where I’ve said things that shouldn’t have been said. I’ve overstepped my boundaries numerous times. I am so hard on myself. I’m realizing that more and more and also realizing more and more how much other people see that in me.

I’ve been an insane lady lately and to my detriment. I’m literally exhausted but cannot lie down and sleep. My mind (as usual) runs a million miles an hour and it rarely turns off, including when I am actually asleep. Then I just dream about it! So I’ve felt this super amount of stress and pressure to do more and be more and do the right thing and go back and correct every wrong. There’s no possible way for me to do every one of those things. God, in His grace and endless mercy, doesn’t ask me to. During the message tonight at WALK, Pastor Brian spoke about how the church often acts as orphans. We do not act like sons and daughters of God. If we all leave and wander aimlessly, in fear, and always taking and hiding, NO ONE will ever want to become like Christ! If we begin to walk as sons and daughters, instead of orphans, people will see that light and want it. Pastor Heiden spoke a bit after that and just asked us to think about what God wants of us. Ultimately, God wants us to raise disciples, but in the process, He wants us to know Him and walk with Him.

After the service tonight, I stayed and spoke with several friends (basically my family!) about a bunch of different things. J I am amazed at the way God uses that sweet WALK family of mine to deeply encourage and love me well. As I was leaving, Heiden just told me he wanted to share something with me. Yesterday, as he was studying in his office, he was thinking and reading the Word and it was basically talking about our faith (how we know Jesus) and our works (what we attempt to do for Jesus—I say attempt because I am processing how we do anything FOR Jesus). He reminded me the Word says that more than our works and deeds, God wants us to know Him well. Heiden said I came to mind and he just felt that God wanted him to share with me that God is well pleased with me. The craziest thing about this is that I was reviewing my orphaned failure list during the response time earlier in the service. I closed my mind and before me, I saw this image of handing a book to Jesus. The book was filled with all the mistakes I had made. At first, it seemed Jesus was silently reading them and I sensed that I was deeply ashamed. Jesus quickly looked at me and gently took the pages of the book and begin ripping them out. Page by page. Every page was removed. No longer to stay stuck in my head. Nothing for me to re-read and dwell on. It was the past. Nothing for him to look at. They were not staying in a recycle pile for Him to pick up and hold against me. They disappeared never to be seen again. Every mistake and failure was written in the book. He was silent. There was no need for words. There were only tears and they turned from fearful tears to faithful tears. The tears of a grateful heart devoted to a sweet Savior who rescued His daughter from a great pit. He smiled and then finally said, “Melissa, I am well pleased.”

God doesn’t want our works. He wants us. More than anything else. Just us. We are the wounded and oppressed. We are the students who need their faithful Teacher to stop and care and ask how we are. We are the desperate eyes peering out of the worn out souls. He is the restorer. He takes the pages. He replaces them with new pages that only He writes and He sits. He sits and reads with us. When we are done with the new page, He stops and we must act in obedience. Then He calls us to sit with Him again, to see if we should go right or left. He pauses and lets us ask questions. He gives us clear directions again. He is patient with our faults and the times we choose the wrong path. Yet, He is well pleased with our willing hearts and faithfulness to continue to follow Him. He does not need us. He wants us.

Thank you Jesus for stopping and taking much more than a moment to restore the desperation You saw in my eyes. -Melissa

Perfect Ponytails and Prom Dresses

At some point or another in your life, more than likely, looks have meant something. I was a cheerleader when I was younger and therefore you had to have a "perfect ponytail." This was so the ribbon looked just right when you jumped up and down (in pictures that will never be cute-- sorry ladies) and so you could see your name monogrammed perfectly down one side. That was probably more of a Southern thing than anything else. REGARDLESS. My dream was to have a great, jump-swooshing, hot ponytail. It didn't happen when I was younger. The other day it happened and you know what.... NO ONE CARED. Be honest. If you saw me, you thought either nothing or "Oh, she pulled her up and probably didn't wash it." HA-- I did wash it so there's that. The point of the previous paragraph is to say, "Most of the time people don't care about the things I care about." Like the way I look or dress or whether I brush my teeth-- no one really cares. They just don't. (I keep saying this to myself-- sorry, you're having to read it multiple times as well.)

At the beginning of the week, I posted a picture of my Senior Prom. I'm not going to lie-- the dress I wore was stunning. I felt like a million dollar mermaid in it (whatever that even means). Yes, people told me I looked pretty in it and that was fine. That's not really the point. Prom and the way I looked was the way I thought I would look for the rest of my life (without the feeling of a million bobby pins in my head-- that was just painful). You know what? No one remembers that dress except me. And Trista, my sister. She loved that dress so much that when I was at home last year or the year before, she INSISTED I try it on again. The dress was still beautiful. Still one of my favorite colors. It was way too expensive (thanks Mom and Dad!) but it was beautiful for a day.

I am vain. The song was probably written about me. Literally. I'm always floored with the things people say to me or about me because it gives me a lot more credit than I am worthy of. My mind often centers around what I look like, what people think about me, and what compliments I should or could receive. That's ridiculous. I'm not above anyone else or better than anyone else. After I finally get over the vanity concept, maybe then I can work more on my comparison ordeal. I'm not sure if you can identify with this need for acceptance. Maybe more this need for acceptance in the way you look.

In reading Proverbs, I'm constantly floored with the idea that to be focused on vanity is purely foolish and if I would take a minute to stop looking in the mirror and focus on my character and what God looks at--my heart-- I would be more patient, more compassionate, more caring, etc. with the people around me. I would actually care consistently and I would love well. Jesus was able to love well because he wasn't vain. He wasn't worried about the way he looked or what the crowds of people listening to him thought. Yet, He approached all things with grace more and more. May I do the same. Will you pray for me? I'm grateful I'm being redefined in this area of my life. -Melis

So now I'll brag, part 2.

An assembly of 200 students is VASTLY different than 1300 students.
High schoolers are so different than middle schoolers.
When you know everyone in a small school, you just talk to the person on the stage next to you- nothing's formal.

These are the things I experienced today as we hosted our Back to School Assembly. It has rained everyday this week EXCEPT today. I was so grateful for a clear sky this morning and a venti iced chai on my way to school. Sometimes God just gives us His goodness. I'm so thankful.

These are a few things I've experienced over the last couple of weeks at school...
1. I have one student who's goal this year is to teach me Spanish, teach me to dance, and says genuine nice things asking for nothing in return.
2. My thug child is maybe one of my favorites. He reminds me so much of a past student but he just likes me for some reason and He's smart. He's so smart and he doesn't mind being smart. Although he was upset that I didn't tell him happy birthday, even though I didn't know it was his birthday. Sorry!
3. The girls in Student Council have the strongest personalities but they are really coming around. I think they've decided they liked me but don't tell them because then they will probably change their minds.
4. They are calling me Ms. Gillespie- not Miss, miss, miss.
5. I was asked last week why I was not wearing a dress. I've worn one almost every day since school starts. They just pay attention.
6. Did I mention they do their work and they don't complain? Except this one. And I'm going to defeat that monster ASAP. THEY DO THEIR WORK. I just want to make sure that's clear. They want to make good grades. They ask for help if they don't understand.
7. Oh yeah, and I just need to say for the record. Krista did the worm at the assembly. The kids went nuts. It was AWESOME.
8. I've received a candy bar from one of my sweet girls twice.
9. My Juniors are such perfectionists. They color in the lines, outline everything, and always use a ruler. I hate to even ask them to hurry as I think it will make them feel bad. They are so sweet.

I think that's enough. Enough to brag about. I get up in the morning and I don't want to be awake but IF I am, I'm glad I get to work with these kids. Seriously so glad. Just love them. Also a great staff to work with.

What do you have to brag about?? Hope it's more than the fact that it's just the weekend!
-Melis

You. Are. Mine.

I have struggled with insecurity today. 

I have fought with the enemy.  

He won a few small battles but that's it. 

I have been anxious and have cried.

I have confessed and have been honest. 

I have been alert and have been watchful.

I have stepped back in humiliation for God to tell me how in humility He served me.

I have set my eyes on Jesus while the enemy has fought to remove my sight.

I have shaken the hand of my adversary and God has fought him in a war that only He wins. 

I have held my shield of faith against me while I waged one-on-one with my sword of Truth.

I have prayed out loud and have also reminded the enemy how weak He actually is.

He has told me I am not to be trusted,

But my God speaks that I am trustworthy.

The enemy has confronted me with how weak I am and My God's strength finished the sentence. 

The enemy has said I am inadequate and God has reminded me how fearfully and wonderfully I have been made. 

The enemy has reminded me of how unworthy I am to have a job I love and God sweetly spoke to me of how deep a call He has placed in me.

I have called a friend and they said everything will be fine.

I asked Jesus and He said when I wander, He will search and find me. 

In my worry and anxiety and fear, I give the enemy steps to gain.

In my declaration of God's glory and my good over everything in my life, I have given supreme authority to the creator of all things and I have given Him the full range of the battlefield. 

Make no mistake, the enemy is not set back by my own misgivings and imperfections. He thrives there.

And yet, as I sat worried and a little shaken by how hard the enemy has fought today. God yelled over all my shortcomings and faults and worries and stresses and He said something that finished the war completely...

"You. Are. Mine." 

Those three words were enough to silence the enemy. 

He cannot wage war any longer. 

It has been won. Jesus is victorious. 

He takes the battleground singlehandedly  and carries His trophy across the field. 

From the pit I jumped in.

From the roads and hills I wandered.

From the deep place of isolation.

He kept me. I am His. 

Or as He speaks softly close enough that only I can hear, 

"You. Are. Mine."

I pray those words speak life and that only. May the enemy be silenced in Jesus's name. 

 -Melis

You sit at the table... With me.

A few weeks ago, I was at dinner with Hannah and Cheyenne. Hannah and I were talking about Bethany Dillon's music and the song came up that says, "You sit at the table with the wounded and the poor. You laugh and share stories with the thief and the whore. You could just be silent and leave us here to die but still you sent your son for us. You are on our side." We talked about a lot of other things and we laughed a lot (of course!) but I couldn't shake the words of the song for the life of me. No, it's not because she says the word "whore." I want you to know that my mind is not as sweet as it appears. I've said very unpleasant things in my head to lots to people. Cue my next point on this. A couple of Sundays after that, I went to get lunch in between a hair cut and a meeting at church before Refuge. I was at a BBQ place. I was alone but I didn't really think too much of it because I do it all the time and quite frankly so do a lot of people in case you haven't noticed. 

I was reading a book and eating and minding my own business glancing up every once in a while to look at the kids at another table. A couple sat down at the table across from me at one point and I just felt weird. I tried the friendly smile. I tried the "I'm reading a good book" face. I tried the "Was your food good too?" face to no avail. I just got a weird expression and whispers. Whispers make my life so awkward. Ugh. Regardless, I'm wanting to cry because the book I'm reading is so freaking good. 

This is it. Becoming the Answer to Our Prayers by Shane Claiborne and Jonathan Wilson-Hartgrove. It is phenomenal. So I'm thinking of the Bethany Dillon song, reading this book while I'm obviously getting weird looks. Oh and I'm eating lunch. So basically my life was ripping to shreds in one way or another. At one point, the authors state: "If people really knew what idiots we are, in all our brokenness and vulnerability, they would know that they could give this thing a shot too. Christianity is for sick people." I wanted to jump up and shout, "Amen!" in Michelle style but I refrained and sat quietly with tears in my eyes. An overwhelming gratefulness filled my heart for the millionth time this summer. Grateful for God's great rescue of my life from a pit I jumped in. Grateful that God uses my not so sweet mouth and the thoughtless words that come out of it for His glory.  

While sitting alone in a restaurant full of people, God rewrote the song I had talked with Hannah about. While the couple across from me was whispering, He was too-- something way more significant. It was like He paused time and said, "Melissa, I sit across the table from the thief, the wounded, the broken, the whores, and you." Deep sigh. A huge realization that I am no better than any of them-- and that my sin is not seen differently. I am in great need of a great Savior. He brought up a few times where I had been broken hearted, a few too many times that I was emotionally over committed or so crazy over the idea of marriage. He brought up times where I had stolen the joy of others because I didn't feel that way. I am them. We are the people He has chosen to love. 

The idiots. The thoughtless ones who never shut up. The ones who hurt others on purpose. The ones who steal life from other people. The ones who love less because they want revenge. The ones who are inclined to think too much on things God has said "wait for it." 

He sat at the table with me that day. He spent time with me. He reminded me of His deep compassions, sweet mercies, and His pursuit to run after me when I get up from the table angry and frustrated. He gently restores my weary soul and puts a new song in my mouth. My resounding lesson has been to trust Him more and I do. I trust His pursuit and Truth. I trust His love and care. I trust His grace is enough. I trust His unwavering and relentless faithfulness to me- a mess without Him. 

There is hope- He's waiting at the table for you too. What are you running from?? 

May He bind your wandering heart to Him as He is mine. -Melis 

So now I'll brag.

We have night school at our school. Like someone walks in around 2:45 and I walk out. That stresses me out because it means I have to use my time well ALL day long. I can't waste a second. Ill adjust. Also the teacher wanted me to move things, which really irritated me, but you know what. What the heck ever to that. I'll rearrange and rethink, even if I have already complained that it was ridiculous. Enough of the rampage and let me get to the bragging point(s).

1. Kids were happy to be at school. Like when they picked an emotion about school, excitement was the most common. They were not just saying that because of the social part- they are really excited to be at school.

2. Kids actually want to learn how to pronounce my last name- you have no idea what a feat that is! One of my boys tried about 25 times this morning.

3. My biggest class is 17. Those of you who are not in the classroom could care less about this. My smallest class last night was easily twice that size.

4. My class of 17 is 15 boys and 2 girls. All seniors. However, if I would have recorded the laughing only, you would have thought I am actually teaching 6th grade girls. They laughed so much. I loved it. 

5. My last class period was such a great way to end the day. I told all the seniors about how nervous I would get when my senior year when I had to speak in front of people after I had them all do the same. They were so great and willingly participated. I told them about how anxious I felt and how much I would shake when I had to share a book report. Later on, I asked if they were hot, like was the classroom hot. One of the boys asked, "are you nervous?" It let me know he actually listened to my stories! It's the little things people. 

6. In other news, I had friends to sit with and my computer at least let me log in. 

I'm really excited for the year and the way God is going to use it for His glory! I'm also going to ask you to pray big- my kids have some huge obstacles that could prevent them from graduating. I want more for them. I feel like I can make a difference that lasts and I'm so grateful!

Hope you enjoyed a great Monday!! 

Melis

You're disgusting.

I couldn't decide on a title for this blog... Some I thought of/considered... 

1. For the serious: "I am not the object of your affection."

2. For the ruthless: "hey- stop acting like a jerk."

3. For the honest: "I'm at the table next to you- please stop staring."

4. For the plain out sassy: "you're a disgusting pig and if I walk near you, I'll slap you upside the head so hard you'll wish you didn't have eyes." (This one is more the real me-ha.) 

Three scenarios comes to mind:

1. A couple of years ago, I am walking down the hall in the midst of a passing period when this 13 year old BOY looks me up and down. I grabbed his arm and quickly reminded him that if he ever looked at me like that again, I would rip him to shreds. I wasn't kidding. He wasn't laughing. 

2. A few weeks ago, I was at a pool with friends when a lifeguard walks by and this man stares like he's never seen a female before and tells us that "There is nothing wrong with that." You're right- it's completely insignificant that you are one of the creepiest men I've ever encountered. 

3. Tonight, I'm at dinner with a friend and there are two guys (with their moms/female family members!!) who keep looking at me while

I'm attempting to normally eat my dinner. I tried ignoring them but they were blatantly staring. I felt SO uncomfortable. They were talking about my friend and I loud enough that we could hear everything they were saying. It was so awkward. I gave them the death stare multiple times. They were relentless. They thought I was flattered. I was not and will never ever be. I was flat out disgusted.

And now for the rant- females are not objects. We are not dogs in a window and we are not toys to be played with. We are humans. We have emotions. We want attention and we want to be attractive but we are not in a zoo cage and we are not in a circus ring. 

I have been so "ugh-ed" by guys who treat girls like this and I hope that whether you are male or female, you see my point. We both want to be respected. By treating one another like objects or things and not creations of God, we risk our security, our relationships, and our human decency and moral value. In good news, I am grateful for the past three weeks of sitting in a Bible study full of people (males and females) and NEVER feeling objectified. I did not sit in staff meetings or go to lunch with a group I work with who thought I was an object today. I often go shopping and never feel like an object, but in the moments I do, it raises lots of questions for the person who is being the creep mostly. Some cautions... 

Gentlemen- thank you to those of you who are men. Would you kindly remind the others to remove their title of men to boys so that we females and women can see how respectful you are?

Ladies- Can you check yourself in the mirror BEFORE leaving your house? Can you stop buying into the lie that you need to be strong and confident, and therefore you should always speak in ways that are very loud and rude? You make the rest of us seem like objects because you've chosen that life style. We don't want it. We want to be treated with respect and we want to be loved- creeper stares do not make us feel loved. So stop making it weird for us. Get your act together for the sake of yourself and us. 

 Just some things on my mind and some things I just needed to be honest about! Thanks for joining my sassy Wednesday rant. Hopefully you rethink the way you look at people and how our perceptions affect them and the way we see them! 

I sure am! Melis 

When my crazy meets my quiet time...

I have debated on whether to share this but I just feel that I have to for the sake of funny things. 

I read Psalm 55 last week multiple times because God used so much of it to speak clearly to me. Sunday morning, I was getting ready and sat down to read my Bible. I turned the page to Psalm 56. While this was supposed to be a very serious time, I was not very serious. I read the first part of verse 1 and could not stop laughing. Like the time my sister, best friend and I attempted to sing a song at church and started laughing. We tried singing the song around 3 times to a dead end. We were kind of mortified but could not really think because laughter had taken over. In front of my parents, family, and fellow church members. 

Like I could not stop laughing, so I tried to read the rest of the chapter, and it did not work. Now keep in mind, this was/is taken totally out of context but I think sometimes God enjoys laughing with how ridiculous we are. You're dying to know what I read I'm sure... So here goes... "Be merciful to me, O God, for men hotly pursue me." Just read it one more time and then join me for some heartfelt laughter at the verse out of context, out of my own context, and, yeah, let's not go there with this. 

Maybe it was nervous laughter at the fact that I haven't been on a date in I don't know how long and I've just began to write down things I want to say to the man I marry again after several months of bitter silence. Regardless of the fact that David is actually talking about being pursued to be killed in the verse, I read it so differently with such a different pair of eyes that God used it to remind me how much He's in control. He made me laugh and He's got this! I hope you can at least laugh for a minute without thinking of how crazy I am. Happy week before school starts for me! -Melissa 

"When I am afraid, I will trust in you." Psalm 56:3

Who is this man??

I woke up thinking about this question "Who is this man??" early this morning. 

Getting ready for what should have been a really busy day,I went to my new school to set up my room. Except they're cleaning the carpets. So yes I did pack everything in my car and got there and then I couldn't do anything except look at my room, go back to my car, and drive home. I was supposed to have an appointment at 11:30 with this guy for a curriculum I'm teaching this year. Oh. Nope to that too. He got called into work. So I drank my Starbucks chai that I had planned on indulging in during all of those things and stayed home finishing a couple of projects that have needed to be finished, working on my portfolio for my Online/Blended Learning certification, and figuring out how to terminate my current Internet to get cheaper Internet. I met Neena at Starbucks and by that time Vanessa was already at the hospital getting ready to have her baby, so the afternoon was a little chaotic too. 

Through all of that, I kept thinking of the Bible study I went to last night. It's a church plant that will be launched in a year called WALK. I met Heiden and Neena a few weeks ago when we all led small groups at camp. Neena and I led together and she was a Godsend for me so when she asked me to come to the Bible study that Heiden, her husband, was leading, I was not hesitant about my want to attend. Now I say my want to attend because I did want to go. However, I woke up Tuesday with a feeling that I should not go. I had the strangest dreams and felt so awful about it that I really didn't want to go anywhere. I felt like people knew what I saw in my dream and it was so uncomfortable for me. I decided that I would go to Bible study finally when a friend and I were going together. I confirmed with Neena and then I got a message from my friend that she wasn't able to go after all.

I get it God. For whatever reason I knew He wanted me there so I went, a nervous wreck and an anxious case about it. I was immediately greeted and welcomed and felt like I could take a deep breath. I was in a place where I felt like it was okay for my heart to be a mess and still want Jesus. I did want Him. I just felt that I did not and could not deserve Him. So of course, Jesus would have Heiden speak right into that when Heiden told the vision of WALK Church and the story of the Samaritan woman at the well in John 4. 

It's the story of the woman at the well that Jesus talks to and basically spells out exactly what her life is all about. She had 5 husbands previously and was currently in a relationship with a man who was not her husband. When Jesus calls her out on this, she basically says, "Who the heck is this man and how does he know this about me???!" I'm sure she was on edge, anxious to hear about what He would say next about her. She tried to pull the religious card and Jesus wasn't having any of that WHATSOEVER. Typical. He doesn't like our rules and procedures of Christianity. He shut that down in a loving, gracious way and the woman goes on to tell her whole town about who Jesus is because she finally gets it. She finally understands who He is. 

He was her redeemer, forgiver, cleanser, and healer. He knew everything about her and YET He loved her deeply. He pursued her despite her. He was compassionate but honest. That's who He was. That's the man she was asking about. Who knew that the very man she would be skeptical of would turn out to be the Messiah who she was patiently waiting on? 

I thought about this so much today. My very messed up dreams are not a surprise to Him. He knows me and He knows me so well. He knows my thoughts before I think them and my words before I say them. He is that man to me. A sweet rescuer from a deep pit of a thought life and a continual guard for my restless heart. The one who has walked with me to constantly restore my soul and soak my heart in His love to call me back to Himself. He chased me. He does not let me run away or bury myself without a redemption bell to ring. He chases me and removes the skepticism when I'm not sure what I believe with the merciful reminder of His faithfulness. 

On the way home from the hospital tonight, I was listening to Shane & Shane's latest album and the song "You Loved My Heart to Death." I so love the harmony in the song and am just waiting for an invitation to sing it with someone (okay- that's also me being super anxious) but really... The song says: "I chose my pride instead of the Glory of Your Name, oh the wrath of God that I deserve with every breath, fell upon Him and He loved my heart to death." 

He gives us life, as undeserving as we once were. He gives us the same living water He offered the Samaritan woman. That is the Man. WALK stands for "What A Loving King" and I could not think of anything more true about the God I love and serve. May you trust Him in this way and know the man that pursues you as I am doing. I'm not there yet. You're not alone in this. -Melis 

So much more than $3,000 and a card.

A couple of weeks ago, I was at camp with High schoolers from Hope in Las Vegas. The camp was CIY Move. It was incredible to say the least, I wrote a bit about my learned experiences there two blogs ago and the impact summer camp has had on my life in general. Although I've attended and worked at multiple summer camps, I think this one takes the cake overall. And it wasn't because there was a huge band or the most amazing speaker ever, or we raised a million dollars. It was because God's Spirit was at work... In students, leaders, youth pastors, speakers, worship leaders, etc. 

The whole week is a push for being a #kingdomworker. What is a kingdom worker you might ask?? Basically anyone who uses his or her talents, passions, job, place of influence to impact the world for God's Kingdom and, ultimately, eternal value. At the end of the week, everyone receives a #kingdomworker card. This card has a challenge for the next year. It's every persons choice whether to accept it or not. I chose to open my envelope. I was expecting to get one that said drink water for a year but no, it didn't. It said "Raise $3,000..." Stop right there, hold up, what? Yes that was only the beginning, slight panic attack. I hate fundraising. I don't like asking people for money. It's uncomfortable. So the card reads basically to raise $3,000 for a missionary our church supports. Contact and pray for them monthly. Wow. Yes a significant challenge. 

Once I had decided, I was committed to this, I got caught up on who. God placed a missionary on my heart who I worked with when I was in Africa in the summer of 2009. Still praying to confirm that and planning on getting information from this missionary soon about specific needs. I'll be raising money for the next year. I will also be raising money for a trip to Africa myself and a team next summer. Details for that are also in the works but I will keep you updated. Please pray about how you would join me: will you buy something I create? Give monthly? Pray for the missionary? Host a fundraiser for you and a group of friends?

I'm begging you to join me on this year-long adventure. In some way that is meaningful to you. The Kingdom of God is beyond our word of "big." He knows what you're going to do and how you will be impacted. Listen to His Voice and pray for me to be sensitive too! Praying now! 

-Melis

When words are enough OR too much...

Because I am incredibly auditory, I struggle with words. Because I am an introvert, I struggle with sharing those words that are inside my brain. I am often defensive, feisty, and short with words when they do come out hurried and hurtful. When I stop and think (this side is encouraged), I deeply regret the words I say, am pleased with others, and think about why each side was the way it was.

There was more than once today that I used my words to empower people. There was also more than once today that I used my words to hurt people. Overall, my interactions today have been positive but a few times, I noticed I went straight to defending something that was not worth being offended over or just silenced the other person because I'm over it.

Why.... why... why... is the question I constantly ask myself. Repeatedly, I find myself going back and apologizing for something stupid I've said that I think hurt someone. Most of the time, they thought nothing of it except I was crazy that I went back. I think it's better to err on that side, than the other.

Because one of my top love languages is words of affirmation, I really struggle with feeding negative words into my brain. I remember and dwell on those things, and why someone would say those things to me. Tonight on my way home from a very full day, I prayed, asking God to restore balance in this area. Unfortunately, it seems that most people are normally VERY defensive OR very run over. Then Jesus began to speak over me in my car, reminding me of the way He deals with things. He did not let Adam and Eve rule and reign the world when they chose to sin. He put His foot down. My God is not a God to be run over by our fast talking brains and snappy attitudes. He just doesn't do it, straight up. He also reminded me that in the New Testament, He never let the Pharisees get away with their mocking of His commands. He put them in their place. He did offend them, but only in a way in which they needed to be offended. He told them Truth. He did not spout off an academic's scholars belief on something, nor did He Google it to figure out what they needed to know. He told them what God's best was for them. They had the choice to walk away or pursue that Truth. We have the same choice.

When I'm approached, I want to be ready to speak, but I also want to be slow to speak. Quick words hurt. They do not heal and restore. I've read more than once the statement, "Hurt people hurt people." People who are defensive often hurt people, it's not conscious, it is their defense. That doesn't make it right, but it is what happens. When I know God's Truth and I walk in the Truth, I will find that I am quick to think but slower to speak, quicker to listen, but slower to jump down someone's throat. 

This is an area I know I need to work on. Let us be slow to speak but ready. Let us listen before we jump to conclusions and assume. Let us tell the Truth. Other people's words do not have power over us but we must know HIS WORD. Let us be careful and apply the Truth we know to our own lives as we beg others to join us in this. Praying for you, will you pray for me in this area? -Melis

P.S. If you are a person who I have hurt with my words before, I would like to sincerely apologize. Praying that my words are Truth and empowering to you in the future. Jesus is correcting me in this area! I am grateful for the grace with which you've been patient too. Thank you for your recognition to extend that to me.

Life-changing summer celebrations

Join me on a journey, would you?

I went to summer camp with my youth group for the first time in high school. The first year, I surrendered my life completely to Jesus, I was 15. After my senior year, I felt that God had something incredible for me- ministry of some kind, I thought potentially in the church and now I realize that He had called me to Himself while working in a public school. I'm so grateful.

In college, I got to walk with young ladies every year at Camp Cherokee in Tennessee. I got to go back and work at SuperWow, the camp God used to change my life, as a missions/service coordinator and my last summer of college, I got to enjoy Camp Cherokee, SuperWow and got to visit Colorado for a Student Life camp with students from Hope while I was working in Las Vegas. Oh yeah, I went to the UK then too! What a life for a college student! Talk about an incredible summer! At that point, God began speaking to me about living in Las Vegas. It was unclear but became more clear through my senior year of college.

After moving to Las Vegas, I spent that summer volunteering with students at Hope and joined them at camp in California (my first of many adventures there!) and did the same the following summer. In the summer of 2008, I took my first mission trip to Zambia and that part of my life was on repeat for the following 3 summers, varying in length and time and what I did there. That was before most of my friends decided to get married and that took some time out of the following summers to celebrate with them in the great work that God was doing!

Jesus greatly uses me in the school year and it is often draining so by the time I get to summer, I am ready to take deep breaths. I tend to hear Him in my summer silences, without the voices of 200 or so students asking me a million questions and telling me what I should be doing.

I am grateful to have gone back to summer camp with Hope's student ministry, Refuge, this past week. I was a little skeptical (I admitted this to them) about the group of girls I had but ended up loving their sweet, devastated hearts so much. I really had the best of both worlds because the senior girls Arianna and I have walked with for the last year were also there and so I heard a lot of the big things Jesus did in them and then I clearly got to join in God's great rescue of my girls. He met them exactly as they were, exactly where they were. He loved them. Through song, messages, small groups, friendships, walking up and down the hills, playing on the beach, and watching short films. He deeply loved them. Neena and I got to be His hands and feet and put our arms around them, pray for them, and squeeze their hands amidst tears.

Selfishly, Jesus reminded me of the deep, deep pit I had dug for myself and was drowning in the past year. He rescued me and as the bell rang to represent life change Tuesday night, I was full of tears with gratefulness that He chose to extend His hand. He gave me a life to live again, without fear of where it was going next. He spoke to me about waiting, grace, and continuing to walk in freedom. I can't say that camp changes everyone or that summer changes everyone but it has a tendency to do that for me. I'm praying for my next steps, how to follow Him in every environment I'm in and how to love every person I meet. AND I just finished my last class of my Master's degree. I am waiting for a fall internship and will have it complete in December. I am grateful, grateful, grateful for what God is doing. What is He doing to change your life? I hope it's big and beyond your comprehension.

Praying that for both of us- Melis

A stunning display.

I am procrastinating. Yes. I just want to make that clear.

I have spent the last month traveling, beat of my heart, it stresses me out and I love it. I have met some of the most incredible people, got to love and be loved and I have not lacked in how much I eat. AT ALL. I love teaching for this reason. Summer. Although, I am dreaming up plans for next year, I am able to do that on bus, plane, train, or automobile. I love the modern world. Thank you turn of the century a hundred years ago-- you were good to us.

I have felt lonely, desolate, reckless, insecure, and so confused, yet at the same time, I have not felt more loved, more pursued, and more stunned than I have felt in a while. I am so grateful to have spent time with so much family, to be a part of my sister's drop-dead gorgeous wedding (yes, I am clearly biased), to sing again, and to feel like I don't have to say much. I have watched incredible sunsets at the beach in Florida and California, on the river in Oregon, and over the capitol of the United States. I have talked to some of the most intelligent and incredible people. Pause. Story time.

::Every time I board a plane, I prepare myself for one of two things-- sitting next to someone who pretends they hate me and I'm invisible (this morning) or sitting next to someone who tells me the beautiful story of their life (Atlanta to Vegas last weekend). While I overall prefer the latter, I have often wondered if my invisible shirt that says, "Tell me your whole life story" magically appears as I walk onto the plane. I had a wonderful conversation a week ago with a professor from Bob Jones University on being a Christian, why we should stick to standards and morals, being single and married, his family, what it's like to want to stay where you love but other people are begging you to move, how do you find more. I walked away from the plane ride so grateful for his encouragement, wisdom, and perspective. It fed this needy heart of mine.::

Press play. Yesterday, after the wedding of one of my best friends, Katie, she and her new groom had left and me and the girls traveled to see Multnomah Falls outside Portland. While this is an incredibly beautiful place that I can hardly describe, the view of the river on the way back was out of this world. The freeway runs beside the Colombia River and the sun was setting literally just perfectly as we were driving. We found a view point to stop at and so we did. Staring out over the water made me a little breathless, in that, I felt overwhelmingly loved.

It seems at the times we feel the most inadequate, God sends us a messenger with encouragement. When we feel the most discouraged, God sends the sweet words of a friend in the most unexpected way. When we feel ugly, God says that we are beautiful through a person who we are so grateful for and may not even know that much about. There may not be words, there are just some people who make you feel beautiful. When we feel there is nothing in us, He stares deep into us through sunsets, waterfalls, rain clouds, and rainbows and delicately whispers, "You are utterly mine. No one else's. And if I should so choose to give you someone to love, you must always choose me first."

His selfishness (so to say) is deserved and our tragedies and pity parties turn a very silent spirit into a stunning display for those around us to see He is at work in our lives. He deserves every bit of the glory. And whether we like it or not, He will take it-- it was His to begin with and He will keep it.

His love for us is a stunning display and it can be seen all over if we only keep our eyes open. It is felt in a sincere touch of a friend and is heard in the sweet words of a song. My life is made up of so many of these moments that I could not count if I tried. I can just stand back and admire from a semi-distance the loving work Jesus has done in my life to rescue me from a deep pit. I can sit and tell the story of why God called me to move to Las Vegas and why I can't leave until He says go again. I can pray for people who do not love Him to be empty so that they search and find someone so precious and worth loving. He is it. And He is worth it. I am stunned completely.
-Melis

A New Season, A New Job

Six years ago, I interviewed at Mack Middle School on a very hot, sunny day in Las Vegas. I actually got lost on the way to my interview, felt way overdressed, and brought my expansive teacher education notebook that Lee University PROMISED every person that interviewed me would want to look at. I think I was secretly mocked about this binder, as I should have been. What I learned in my basic 2 years of educational education was not ever going to be enough to actually help me survive my first year of teaching. In hindsight, I seemed a mess, although Mary, a US History teacher I worked with, always reminded me that if I wasn't crying every day on the way home, that I was golden. Thanks Mary :) There were some tears but not that many. I was too overwhelmed by gaining street cred, learning what a tagger was, and trying to spot gang signs to really do that much else. If those kids learned anything that year, it is considered a miracle and it was nice of Joe, my principal, to let me come back the following year. Steven was one of my students/projects that year and so was Kevin. Later on, I had both student's siblings and really enjoyed working with their families over that period of time. I'm sure that you've heard me talk about both or either of those boys before. Their stories literally changed my perception of teaching and made me realize why God had actually called me to Mack.

Over the last several months, many changes have occurred for me both personally and professionally. It has been overwhelmingly overwhelming and I have been pushed and pulled in so many directions. I have not wanted to wake up in the morning to go to school. I have not wanted to pursue my addiction of being a workaholic. I have dreaded talking to some of my kids in the hall. It just hasn't been true Ms. Gillespie fashion and I've really struggled with the insecurities that all of these situations has brought on. I've been heartbroken, devastated, and just plain out nervous the majority of the time. I was laughing in the hall a month ago at something another teacher said and one student informed he'd never heard me laugh before (I don't know that I believe him actually, even still). I was acting crazy at the 8th grade dance a few weeks ago and one student told me he'd never seen me be that fun or happy before. That's who I've been for the last 9 months and especially, the last 2. Not me at all. It's sad that's their perception of who I am because it's not and I don't want another class to ever think that of me. I have felt more than once over the last few months that I should begin to pack my things but I just said no to those urges and left my room a hot mess. And when, it was literally the last second, Jesus, who knows me best, gave me a new job.

A couple of weeks ago, I was given an incredible opportunity to begin teaching at a small high school in Las Vegas for next school year. It was a God-send opportunity and I said yes. I am over the top excited to start over and scared to death at the same time. I will be working for a previous administrator in a school for newcomers to the country. I will be teaching US History and Government and will be on a major learning curve for the next school year! (I only taught both of these in my student teaching, umm 6 years ago for no longer than 8 weeks!) I'm excited about working for a principal who lets me dream again and try new things without me walking away feeling like a crazy person. I'm excited about small classroom sizes and getting to know new kids, working with a new staff, and trying something different. I will get to do a few of the same things (my favorites) that I've done previously but will get to start over in many other areas.

At the beginning of May, I asked God to give me a new job. I was desperately serious. I had a few people who told me that God wanted me to look, a couple of people who gave me weird looks, and thankfully, some who believed that God would open the door He wanted to and He did that. I trust Him. More than ever, I trust Him. I am sad to leave my first teaching home and a place that will always hold big pieces of my heart but really excited for what God has for me. I am praying for new beginnings for so many sweet friends of mine and that God will continue to use me in a powerful way, just as He has at Mack for six sweet years. Thank you for those of you who have prayed and loved on me during this time, as well as those who God has used to provide an encouraging word... they have meant the world to me and I could not be more grateful. I still believe the classroom is one of the biggest mission fields on the planet and I'm ready for a new place to love.

Filled with gratitude that He always overcomes my unbelief- Melis

Why Beyonce had it wrong-- it's Moms, not girls.

Beyonce sings a song that says, "Who runs the world? Girls." It says it over and over with a few expletives along the way. What did she know then? She didn't have a little girl. I wonder if any of that changed once she became mom to a little girl they are hiding from the spotlight (thank God she has some sense). I wonder if she realized that as a mom she makes decisions that directly impact her child.

I have been graced with a wonderful biological Mom who has made a significant impact on my life. When people tell me I look and act like her, I take that as a HUGE compliment. She is a wonderful woman who is selfless, genuine, gives people second chances, is patient and just loves people. She taught me (as well as my Daddy) the value of hard work ethic, sticking to commitments, and using your actions to back up your words. She realized the life she lives impacts my life, my sister's life, my Daddy's life, and all of those around us.

Because God has moved me away to college and across the United States, I have been blessed beyond belief to come under some women who I would also consider spiritual Moms and mentors who have taught me how to love Jesus more and have given me tough advice when I needed it and have been honest. Usually I talk to Mom first, but they follow her advice as if they've also spoken to each other in this weird way to say the same things. They know what's best for their kids.

It's moms like Carol Fulbright, who let me and Diana live with her family for a year, who taught me quiet times are better with Reese's and Diet Cokes, and it's important to look for Jesus in really tough times and see what He's doing. She followed my Mom in showing me a healthy marriage where it's fun to laugh and spent time together. Carol taught me the value of pouring into younger generations and seek areas God has called me to, being sensitive that they are often seasons. Edith Peters showed me how to raise Godly girls and Jamie Ogle showed me a servant's invested heart into her kids and the next generation. It was Lisa Clapp, our office Mom who always giggled with us and cried with us when we needed it, but also taught me the importance of loving where you work and loving people there. She was ever patient with us but always checking on us and making sure we were taken care of.

When I moved to Vegas, God shifted my moms a few times but ended up giving me Teri Dodd, one of the most honest women I've ever met in my life but one who willingly tells Godly truth and will take my side when I need it. She's always looking out for my best. She gave me Kristi, a mentor, who understands the field of education and where I'm going and has allowed me to share my passion with her. She dreams up new ideas for me and doesn't demand I go there, but asks kindly where I will join God's invitation.

I'm grateful that it's not girls who run the world, I'm glad it's Moms. Girls are obsessive and crazy (like me) and not well enough to do so but Mom's have special powers that allow them to do extraordinary things. I am sometimes called Mom at school by kids who see me like I see some of these women. I realize I'm not their real Mom and always make sure to point that out but I'm grateful that they feel like they have someone they can trust.

I can only hope that one day if I have kids or adopt kids or whatever, that I can be like these Godly, fantastic women. I hope that I can love despite hurt and forgive easily and function with patience. Love them all and hope they have had a fantastic Mother's Day! -Melis

God-Anxious

I feel super God-anxious. Like what's next, why not now, what am I waiting for, is the waiting over yet? It's like my kids will be tomorrow when we travel 5 hours by bus to California-- "Are we there yet? Where are we going first? When do we eat? I have to use the bathroom!"

After all that's gone down over the last few weeks and the changes that have come quickly and gone, after doors have opened and closed and opened and closed again, I am left to wonder, what in the world am I doing? Maybe I'm not even making the right decisions? I'm hiring anyone who will make good decisions for me! (Sort of kidding... but not)

I'm unsettled and I'm not sure if it's multiple reasons or just one. I'm not sure if it's my personal life, my job, people I'm around, I just am not sure. I do know one thing though-- that I trust God. A few weekends back, I had the sweet honor of MCing the Refresher Conference in Las Vegas. As I was praying for the weekend and especially the Friday of, I kept being reminded of this quote:

"Rarely, but probably once in each of our lives, He will back us into a corner where He will hurt us with His piercing questions. Then we will realize that we do love Him far more deeply than our words can ever say." (Oswald Chambers)

I told the ladies there that I felt like a lot of them were in that place. I know they were. Sometimes Satan uses the corners to tell us how worthless and despicable we are and Jesus uses the corners to remind us how much we love and trust Him. I had no idea that as I spoke those very words, I, myself, would be backed into a corner in the following week. That week has seemed to turn into an onslaught of weeks instead. It has been rough. I have gone to school several days (more than ever) not wanting to be there, not wanting to care and not wanting to please anyone. That is not like me AT ALL. I have a crazy genetic work ethic, an overwhelming perfectionistic nature and the ability to lie, I'm a great faker :) (Unfortunately, everything I've said here is true.) Even yesterday, I was having a conversation about God calling me to say yes in my life and that sometimes the yes closes and leads to another yes and so on. That yes turned into a closed door today and I had to stand back with tears in my eyes, and say, "God, I do trust you, more than anything, I trust you."

Even in the car while driving back and forth tonight, He just reminded me of how much He loves me and how much He wants a relationship with me. He is using these yes and no moments to beg me to talk to Him and spend time with Him. I am overwhelmed with not knowing but I must trust Him. I do trust Him. Please pray with me over the next few weeks for peace where there is anxious but more than that, my anxious would be used to make peace with those around me and those in my path. I have been able to share about what Jesus is doing in my life numerous, surprising times and I have been grateful for the response. Thank you for your prayers- I truly, honestly covet them as Jesus continues to see my corners as places of hope and peace. Love, Melis

My overdramatic list of the top 5 things every driver in Las Vegas should know

The following is a running list of things I've learned from driving in Las Vegas. This is, of course, over dramatic and sarcastic. I apologize in advance to the few of you left who think I'm the nicest person on the planet. Also, this is my out right confession that I'm the queen of road rage. There-- said and done. Here goes...

1. Orange cones are actually an indication that there is a road that ends and you're going to drive off a cliff, the city of Las Vegas has created an obstacle course for us to enjoy, or that absolutely no one is working there.
2. Your music isn't loud enough if the bass doesn't make all the cars at the same traffic light shake; almost as if there's a small scale earthquake.
3. The left lane is for passing must be a southern rule. In las Vegas, the left lane is for people who are angry at those going the speed limit and for those going the speed limit to make other people angry.
4. If there is a traffic, you can assume there is a wreck and all lanes of traffic are news reporters needing to record what is taking place or that someone can't merge (see the following).
5. "Merge" is a Latin word that means wait until the last minute to get in the correct lane and almost run over the other cars driving at a normal speed because you're going 20 under the speed limit.

Hope you enjoyed this list more than I do driving in it :) happy Wednesday! -Melis

Worth.

In "The Attributes of God," Tozer writes, "Not "Look at me. I am wonderful; I am happy, happy, happy." No--the Lamb, the Lamb is worthy."

We live in a world that is obsessed with how happy we are as individuals. The world would tell me if I'm not happy, stop doing what I'm doing, pursue something different, find someone else, etc. Maybe our urgency for happiness has ruined us because it turns out we don't know how to be happy at all. We are miserable in our own skin. We believe we're ugly, worthless, helpless, victimized, and so on. But are we really those things?

The most recent Dove ad proves otherwise. It shows that people see better in us than we see in ourselves and I have to be honest and say that I agree with it in its entirety. People see things in me and call things out in me that I would have NEVER in a million years taken a second look at. NEVER. I sat across the table at Starbucks from Vanessa today having a conversation about this very topic. I had a horrible day. I've literally been in tears at least five times. I'm overly disappointed, my feelings are hurt A LOT and I don't know what to do in this awkward situation I am facing. There was a situation where I was under the impression that one thing was going to happen and now it's not going to and I'm very confused. I feel broken and I wonder why this "thing" that was going to happen is not going to anymore. Is it something I did wrong or something I said? Did I just misunderstand? Was I too naive? I've ran through the conversations that I had about this situation and I literally feel like I'm living in a dream, like this is not real.

I told Vanessa that my struggle so much is that I'm just not good enough. Was I actually not good to be in a different place or doing a different thing? She talked about a girl in her after school program today and how the girl felt like she was annoying because she talked too much and her brother told her she was annoying. So she believes it. What is it in my life that causes me to go back, lose my worth and value, and feel not good enough? Why is that my last resort? Vanessa said that the interesting thing is that she wouldn't look at the situation and say that it has anything to do with whether I'm good enough. She sees it differently.

We never see ourselves the same way others see us, whether that be good or bad. I have often sold myself short while so many of my sweet friends wonder what in the world I'm doing. They've been so encouraging and have reminded me of my true worth. I am valued and loved by the God who runs the universe, as Tozer reminds us. God knows that everything is not going to make me happy and I'm not always going to feel like following Him. Yet, He gently wipes my tears, reminds me how much He loves me, and places incredible people in my life to do the same.

I'm not sure this is a lesson that I'll ever completely learn. I'm sure there will be more tears where the ones from today came from. I'm sure that I'll have days where I don't know why I'm doing what I'm doing and I'm sure at some seasons, it will be more than others. Like now and that's okay. I get to shed some tears, long for the beach, beg God to show me what He's doing and keep going. I do trust Him. I do believe that He's doing what's best for me.

I hope that you see the same thing in your life. He's doing what's best for us. He knows what He's doing and we can trust Him.
-Melis

Trade

Today, Vance spoke about a life from old to new. Tonight, Scott talked about being convinced and assured of the faith we have in Christ.

It was a long day. It has been a long week and it was a long weekend. It just happens. It's life. Not always easy, not always happy. Then I find myself slipping into a place in my life where I want to sleep all the time. I want to just watch TV, go to and from my job and do nothing but the bare minimum. I don't want anyone to think there's anything wrong with me but at the same time, I do want someone to care. I sat in bed tonight and began reading 1 John 4. I'm speaking on this in a month and what's going on in me is exactly what I'm speaking on. I was thinking of how I lack being convinced sometimes and how often I walk in the old. I made a lengthy list of what "I am no longer..." That list became this... My trade.

I'll trade my slavery for Your freedom.
I'll trade my depression for Your Joy and my loneliness for the promise You'll never leave.
I'll trade my singleness for the wait and unworthiness to Your Worth.
I'll trade my high standards for Your perfection and my abandonment for Your constant Presence.
I'll trade my lack of love and unloved moments for Your vast Love for me.
I'll trade my unwanted life to be Your Chosen Treasure.
I'll trade my lack of being good enough for the fact that You are ALWAYS good.
I'll trade my regrets for Your desires.
I'll trade the times I feel stupid to moments of humility.
I'll trade my ugliness for Your beauty and my weakness for Your strength.
I'll trade my inconsistency to hold on to Your Anchor.
I'll trade my old for new, my lack of love to loving You.

May you be encouraged. We must reframe to walk in Him. We are not who we were when He rescued us and my life does not reflect the pit. It reflects the rescue and the redemption of a girl who desperately needed it.

Ben sang tonight: "And on and on and on and it goes, for it overwhelms and satisfies my soul. I never ever have to be afraid, this one thing remains. Your Love never fails, never gives up, never runs out on me."

I am convinced He is good and He has changed me from old to new out of His incredible love. I don't deserve it but I'll trade my mess for His life in me. -Melis

Running Red Lights

Sunday morning, I took the usual route to church. I was going to the earlier service so maybe that's what threw me off. Either way, I completely ran a traffic light that was red and by red, I mean everyone from my direction had stopped and I clearly missed the memo. Gracious Jesus-- there was nothing coming from a different direction and I was completely okay in every way that I could be safe but the fact that I completely missed it made me think.

What exactly was I doing that would make me so distracted? I'm normally doing a million things at once and can handle stopping at a light, but I just didn't. I read in some article a while back where they suggest you drive a different way to work every once in a while so you're fully conscious and fully aware of what you are doing. We usually don't make time to do such things so we rush out and run red lights because as a friend of my family used to say, "You've seen one. You've seen them all."

The question is really not which way do you drive to work or how many red or yellow lights do you run a day, it's really are you aware of what's going on in your life?? We have desensitized to the world an often just ignore things that should plague our hearts and minds. Because we have seen these movies and shows so many times, we act as if it doesn't affect us but it does in way that we do not notice immediately.

I encourage you- take a different route. Be conscious. You could be missing an opportunity that you wouldn't get otherwise because we are so used to our routine! You're not in this alone! I'm with ya! -Melis

Winning friends and influencing people!

A few years ago, my college BFF's and I traveled to Southern California over spring break. It was fantastic. It was cold but we still went to the beach and dressed up and ate Chick-Fil-A and acted crazy. There was one picture where I'm hugging a tree and then Abby joined me on the other side and Diana jumps in to and Jenn's caption was something like "Melissa apparently knows how to win friends and influence people."

I have lived the majority of my life caring so much about what people think. Let me emphasize the "so much." I still spend a lot of time devoted (not on purpose) to replaying conversations and situations trying to figure out what I meant and what they meant and why I said and why they said... And the list could go on and on. I am beyond analytical. In college, I finally found friends where I could just be me. It was a relief, it was freeing, and it was real.

See.. The only way to win friends that you will keep and influence people is to just be yourself. No one else can do that! Today I met two students, from a couple of years ago, for lunch. They were asking how this year was going and what's going on with the students and my life in general. Then they began to talk about they life in 8th grade and how they would come and talk to me ALL the time. They would... They asked for advice, asked about my life, and knew me personally. They saw and lived my happiness, bad moods and emotional wrecks and they still loved having me. The beauty of it all was that I was just me, there was no need for a cover up or a make believe scenario. They just know me. I love that.

One of the speakers at Hope's student ministry talked about this topic in a message I listened to a while back and said we need to stop worrying about what other people think and focus on what God thinks. When we do that, we are truly us. We are no one else and no one else is us.

Be free and be you! Then you truly get the opportunity to influence the people around you because you're not pretending. It's worth it, I promise!

Will you do this with me?? -Melis

Just you and me.

Tonight at the last service of Exposure, Scott said to imagine that it was just you and Jesus. Would you be able to live with nothing else?? Ugh.

Would I?? Would I really?? I've thought several times over the last few weeks about how often I believe that I require other things-- material things, relationships, and daily needs to an over dramatized level. No need for that. For any of that. In college, particularly at summer camps, we sang a song:

"It's just you and me here now.
Only you and me here now.
If you could see the view,
when its only you."

I would close my eyes and it was as if I had been removed from the crowds of people and entered a room where only Jesus and I existed on the same page, I knew what He was doing and He was in control. I trusted Him. In those silent moments, I trusted Him. The problem was the walking away from those moments in which I became wrapped up in reality, the real in life and the black and white.

Tonight as I stood and worshipped and was super excited about all that Jesus was saying, I realized that my life has to be full of moments where it's just me and Him. If I can't be confident in those moments, I can't follow completely. I can't love Him with my life if I don't trust Him. I want to trust Him-- my ongoing battle.

I give it up. One of my favorite lines ever is from a movie that I cannot even name "I gave it all up. I just want you." That's it. I give it up Jesus. I trust you- it's yours.

All of me completely- Melis

You embrace my mess

The lyrics, "Bind my wandering heart to thee," often leads my mind to a picture of a cartoon story of the prodigal son that my sister and I watched as kids. The prodigal son left his father's house with his inheritance, ran, and lost it all. When he gains the courage to return home, he decides he will have to work off what he owes and eat with the pigs. The cartoon shows an early 20's boy eating the slop in a pig trough. A pig trough. That's just absolutely disgusting. Yet, he was worried that his father would not take him back.

My sins often do that to me. I eat at the pig trough wondering how angry and disappointed God must be. My appealingly innocent mind has been ravaged and become a battlefield that Satan loves to fight in. My thoughts wonder and make up a fantasy future life. It's not weird to dream or hope but it is too much to dwell on an unrealistic world. I cleaned my movie and book shelves. I cleaned them of media that makes me just think about marriage and a wedding. They're unrealistic and demeaning to women who everywhere are making up these fairy takes that do not come true. I am not opposed to fairy tales at all but realize I'm not at a place where I can just watch or read about it all the time. They make my mess. They cause my heart to wander and wish.

I thought about these things a lot today during both messages that I heard. Jesus has made me new. He, like the prodigal son's father, opens his arms wide open at the edge of his field and when He realized it was me, He ran. He ran and picked me up, dusted me off, kissed me on the forehead and forgot my wrongs. He cleaned me up. He embraced my mess. He didn't leave me where I was, He made me new. In real life, we are moody and emotional, easily entangled by things that don't matter. If we would drop those things or not, we would realize that God stands in the very middle of the mess we've made with wide open arms and a huge smile on his face and a twinkle in His eye. He does not fail. He does not.

"Prone to wonder, Lord I feel it.
Prone to leave the God I love.
Here's my heart, Lord, take and seal it.
Seal it for thy courts above."

He embraces your mess too. -Melis

Why every kid in the world needs a loving parent

Over this past week, there is a slight, small spark that has exploded in me. It was there before but it seems to keep burning a little brighter and a little bigger and a little warmer. I sat in a Holocaust Conference last week with seven 8th grade students who were excited. They were hearing an author speak and two Holocaust survivors share. So much change for their sweet, mostly innocent minds. I love watching their eyes when important people are in front of them. There's a light there. It's sad we don't often foster those lights, we tell them to shut them off. I can't anymore. I just can't. Not for most of these kids... because as the year progresses, their lights turn electricity on in large rooms and makes a conversation with a friend a little more enjoyable and makes a classroom discussion interesting. What turns them off? I began to talk to them about going to Washington, DC. That city burns a flame in me because of it's rich history and my experiences there.... cue background story :) You're welcome. 

(This is told as I remember it... it's probably biased and not completely accurate.) When I entered middle school, I was not a popular kid. I was more of a popular mess. I was smart but not smart enough. In 2nd grade, I had a teacher I will never forget. She told me she thought I could read on a 5th grade reading level. Thus, I am a reader, a loving- throw your whole life and escape into a reality that probably doesn't exist reader. Seriously. BUT I had apparently been a reader before. My parents bought my sister and I TONS of books. We had a very large book shelf in the playroom and it was full of books... books that taught us character traits, Winnie- the- Pooh, small insects with funny names, Berenstein Bears, encyclopedias, etc.. They were ours to devour. And devour I did... I pulled them all off the shelf and reorganized (thus developing a slight case of OCD as well :) ). I read, I taught my sister (or more bossed her around), and took roll call with our invisible class and whoever was at our house. We played our hearts out. We read, we taught, and we learned. Most of the time, I was the teacher, because again, I was bossy. There it is. Confessed. 

Just imagine though... imagine that I was more of a Matilda character with a love for reading who had no books! Sounds devastating and horrible to me at the moment. While my teacher encouraged my enthusiasm for reading, I really have to credit my parents with a love for reading. They bought books. They read to and with me and Trista. We read Winnie-the-Pooh and the Pebble Hunt so much with my dad that the book just fell apart over time. We were able to imagine and build things and create things because we had the ability to read and we had something to read. Fast-forward to middle school. At the beginning of the year, all 6th grade students took a math test. Turns out that the two highest scoring students (myself and another boy) were not in the Gifted program and had both been turned down previously due to test scores. (We'll show you Gifted and Talented programs!!!) Needless to say, we were both in Gifted classes shortly after. Our classes were pull out classes that served as additions to our regular classes. Now fast forward to me as a 7th and 8th grade student (still an awkward middle schooler)... I went on a trip out of the city/drive-thru of little Cave Spring and even the vast metropolis of Rome (okay, that was over the top) to travel all around Georgia with 2 bus loads of middle school students AND I went to DC on a bus trip with my gifted program. I do not remember my parents  ever mentioning costs. My sister and I went on tons of trips in middle school and high school and I don't ever remember my parents saying anything. We did lots of chorus stuff and cheerleading and church stuff... we weren't cheap kids by any means. (Sorry Mom and Dad!) I'm sure they did talk about it but we had no clue. We went and I'm sure we begged for spending money, early allowances, and extra money from the grandparents. (I've blocked that out of my memory apparently.) My parents sent us and were nervous but saw every trip and group and everything as a new opportunity. They also used these types of things to teach us the importance of sticking to our word, following through, and commitment. Thank you again loving parents! 

When I see the light in my students' eyes at school, I often see a flicker. It goes in and out... depending on the day. They have a million things going through their brain. Like every middle schooler on the planet, I felt I was a victim to the earth and therefore had the weight of the world on my shoulders, when in all reality, it was pretty easy. Although it may have stretched our family, I didn't really know. I just knew what I wanted (bratty middle schoolers). And this leads me to my final point... I had loving parents. I had a mom and dad who worked their butts off to have Christmas, to give us huge sleep overs for our birthdays, to let us go on trips, to buy me a name brand pair of jeans, to get a new dress for homecoming and Prom, and I could go on and on for at least 25 blogs of just things they gave us or helped us with or lessons I learned from them (and continue to learn). It was never that my parents did those things or bought those things for us because they were earning our love... they did it out of love, even if it meant they had to sacrifice something else they may have wanted. Love was the motivator. Sometimes my kids at school have flickering unloved eyes and it makes me so heartbroken for them. I want them to experience life to the fullest, without a care, like I was able to. My exposure to the US and the world goes back to the love my parents had to let me go and become independent as an early, awkward teenager. 

I urge you to ignite flames in the next generation, as a parent, a small group leader, a teacher, a pastor, a mentor, or just a human being. Stop turning the lights off. Turn the light on and don't leave them... what experiences do they need to grow and know how to love? We have lots at Mack and I'm thrilled to be a part of it... pray for on-switches and no wet matches. Love you. -Melissa

AND Mom and Daddy-- I literally could not thank you enough for not letting my light flicker for long. Thank you for being a spark that left the light on. Thank you for making it brighter by helping pay for college and being my biggest fans... and thank you for still encouraging my dreams. I will stand behind the fact that I want to send some of my school kids home to stay with you. Love you both lots and lots.