Why I Didn't Know Anything 10 Years Ago... And Still Don't.

In a few short hours, I celebrate 29. What the heck has happened with my life?

I feel like I should be sitting in a Starbucks doing homework trying to figure out what I'm supposed to do with my life. Oh wait... I still am. I'm in the last 2 weeks of completing my Master's Degree. (Let's have a moment of celebration of that, shall we????!!!) Ten years ago, I was praying I made it through my first year of college without failing out. High school DID NOT prepare me for college regardless of what everyone in my life told me. They were convinced that I would be fully successful in college and it would change my life. Well it did and not in the way I thought it would. And so did the rest of my life.

Let's make some comparisons:
19: Thought I would sin less as I grew up and "matured."
29: Realizing that I am intellectually smarter now than I was then but I justify more sin, there's not less sin in my life.

19: "Note taking queen"(yeah freakin' right.)
29: My journals are in various colors and I've assumed that everyone uses my system of outlining and note taking in their church sermons. Oh, you don't?

19: Naive as ever
29: Naive as ever

19: Ready to be independent and be a "grown-up"
29: Taking back all of my words that I wanted to be a grown-up. Growing up sucks.

19: Wanted to be around people who just fluffed me up and encouraged me.

29: Want to be around people who tell me the truth and encourage me.

19: Thought I had my life figured out. Married at 22. Kids by 25. Teaching and being Teacher of the Year by 23.
29: My life is a hot mess. Adequate. Not married. 1,000 kids over the last 6 years. I actually was chosen as Teacher of the Year during my 3rd year of teaching (25) and I was completely floored and shocked when I realized exactly what it was.

19: In a few years, I'll be living in Chattanooga or Atlanta. Probably won't leave the country.
29: Living in Las Vegas. Been to Africa 4 times and I'm planning my 5th trip for next summer. Will I ever leave Las Vegas? What am I doing with my life?

19: Have relationships figured out.
29: Let's refer back to the hot mess account. Nothing in relationships is figured out.

19: My professors have no idea what types of obstacles I've created for myself.
29: My kids have no idea what types of obstacles they create for themselves.

19: I'm amazing.
29: I'm an idiot.

So, as you can see. Most things are different. I'm still ridiculous. Clearly. I still don't know much of anything. Clearly. And I hope that your life is never what you hope and more than what you dream. Happy last year of 20's to me!

-Melissa

You keep painting white walls.

This past summer at camp with high schoolers from Hope, I heard a speaker share this story (apologize that some of the details may be a little different as I remember it!):

There was a painter who gave a man a room. The painter told the man, "You can paint the room any color you would like but I promise that you will like white best." At first the man agreed and enjoyed the white walls but after a while, he realized that he would like a new color so he begged the painter to paint his room red. The painter reminded the man of how beautiful the room was in white and how disappointed the man would be with a red room. The man changed his mind and decided to keep the white room. After much time, the man again approached the painter and begged (even more this time) to paint the room red. The painter tried to persuade the man but the man would not and could not be swayed. The room had to be red. The painter reluctantly painted his white room very red. After the walls were completed, the man realized he didn't like the red walls and really agreed with the painter that white was best for the room. The painter patiently repainted the room white. The man was at peace again but the painter had been hurt the man had asked for the room to be red. The painter knew the best color was white.

This is one of the best and most beautiful pictures I've ever had shared with me about Gods best. In the story, God is the painter and I (and you) are represented by the man. God insists that we have white walls and His likeness. We beg him to please give us what we want and, in turn, paint the walls red time and again. The amazing thing about God is He always repaints. He warns us that we wil not like the red paint and even begs us not to choose the color; yet we do. Over and over again. After the walls are red, we run back to God crying and asking why our walls are red, as if it's His fault that we chose sin for ourselves. 

I'm guilty of painting red walls with my selfish choices, sinful thoughts and unclear vision of what He wants. I paint red with my blatant disobedience to the small and big things. I paint red when I don't tell the Truth and I don't approach people with love. I choose red walls when I live in an impure mindset and beg God to let me have what I want. 

He knows best. Without question. He doesn't miss a beat. He always paints white, even when my walls are deeply stained and engrained in red. He lovingly paints white while I sit in my sin. He pursues me and does not stop. I must get to the end of myself and choose white walls. I know Gods best but I don't always choose. It's like I've looked at the white walls and enjoyed them but played the "What if?" game with the walls and questioned whether white is actually the best. It is. It always is.

Thank you Jesus that you always choose white walls for me. You paint white walls over the red I have chosen for myself. Thank you for the process and the endurance in which you pursue me. 

-Melissa