Half{ish} of 29 Thoughts to Think...

I read social media sometimes and wonder what is wrong with people. Not really just what is wrong with them mentally, but do they have a heart. I think many people do not think before they say or do or post things. They do not say or do or post them maliciously but my heart is so offended by the things they think that I actually feel sorry for them sometimes. Not just empathy, but pure pity. Like sick at my stomach pity and I wish I could yell at people through the computer or phone screen. As I approach the unwise age of 30 so quickly, I just need to share some things with you. Near and dear to my heart but my personal opinion and things my lack of wisdom and experience have taught me. These are not you things... these are me things. So you can agree or disagree. I've been told that at 60, you just say what you want to and you don't care... but the other day, I was told by a friend that being 30 brings a whole new freedom to not worry about whether people are offended or irritated or whatever. Maybe I've always told the Truth as much as I think possible and go back and tell it when I've covered it up... but these are real things. Maybe I'm a little early on the not caring, offending thing.

1. It's hurtful when we tell people that they SHOULD do certain things. Maybe they've done those things and it didn't work. We are not in charge of their lives. We should be very careful and cautious on this.

2. Travel is a great teacher and airplanes aren't just for headphones and reading. It's for relationships and a few hours sitting next to someone who maybe has something to teach you, instead of talking the whole time or ignoring the person next to you the whole time.

3. Stop talking so much. STOP. TALKING. SO. MUCH.

4. When asking how people are doing, actually listen to them and mean it or don't ask.

5. On kids, we don't decide how many kids people have and don't have. Why do we ask such nosey questions? And why do we bother people who want to have multitudes of kids? That's their personal choice, is it not?

6. Sometimes people want us in their business. Sometimes people want to "pull up a chair next to your desk and cry." I mean that literally and figuratively. We desperately need people to be transparent with.

7. Parents and families-- sit with your kids and genuinely talk to them at the dinner table. Put away your cell phone for a few minutes. They crave that attention. And when you don't, they're telling their teacher that they haven't had a real conversation with an adult in months. And I KNOW they're telling the Truth and don't want to.

8. When people talk to you, look at them. There is nothing that can replace the conversations I've had where people love me enough to look me in the face.

9. On poverty, let's stop telling poor people they're poor. Maybe part of the result of our society is that we've identified so many people as poor and without that they don't know what to do except take what is given. Maybe they're not too blame for their attitudes on this. Our name calling changes everything.

10. On education, don't talk to a teacher about education unless you know what you're talking about. Do not get upset with a teacher because your child isn't learning. 90% of the teachers I know bust their butts so your kids learn when you're with them. You may be smarter than them but most of them know what they're doing.

11. Stop believing the hype of social media of any kind. Our "social media" lives are so fake now that it makes my heart beat really fast and it makes me nervous because I never want anyone to believe that my life is that easy or that good.

12. Gentlemen, do not be over friendly with the ladies and pretend that you like them, therefore leading them on.

13. Ladies-- I have learned in my experience (or lack there of) that if a (very) gentle-man really wants to pursue you, he will. You won't have to ask.

14. On immigration, we assume too much as white people (and I can say that because I am one) and think that everyone comes to the US because they want something. Well, they do. A better life. Please do not judge any parent or family member who would want that for someone. I can guarantee that you want the same thing for your child or family members. Documented or not-- think about a family for a second and not their legal status. (Yes, I have hardcore heart feelings on this one because I know so many, many stories.)

15. On love, they say it's sweet to wait. I say it's hard as ever to know that you want to get married and people who get married sometimes forget how you feel. People mean well (or they mean something that I don't understand) when they tell you how beautiful and deserving you are. I've said this a million times, but let me say it again... please don't tell single people how you can't believe they aren't married. That makes us feel crappier than we already do about it and it is so not helpful.

16. Always be honest. People have gotten mad at me for being honest but I've never had someone come back and tell me they wish I wouldn't have been honest. Be true to yourself.

17. Keep it in writing. Some of my best days are when I'm able to go back and look at the faithfulness and fingerprints of God's faithfulness in and on my life. Without those piles or journals and random letters and notes, it would be easy for the enemy to eat me alive.

That's all this girl's got for the moment... or 29ish years of it. -Melis

You can STILL have it.

Because I'm a really awesome friend, about a year ago, I gave a teacher friend of mine this activity that I had for my class. Well, he didn't use it and I decided I wanted it back. Don't judge me. I know what you're thinking. Who does that? Oh wait... that would be me. I do that. I asked for it back, and then, of course, acted like I had never given it to him to begin with. I know that sounds ridiculous but I promise you that Roger would tell you that it's the Truth.

Don't you hate love when the words of God on a page make you rethink everything? As in, every single thing  you're going through or experiencing. You constantly just say, "I don't know" about everything because you can't quite put your finger on what it is He's doing but you also are scared because if you put your finger on it, SOMETHING (or maybe everything?) has to change. How often do I find myself this way, you ask? Pretty much almost every. single. time. ((and am willing to listen)) I pick up my Bible. All the time.

This morning, I'm sitting at Starbucks, wishing I would have chosen a different part to read. A VERY different part because it was so clear to me and it wouldn't have (/won't) made sense to anyone else in that moment. In coming back from Zambia this year, I have felt constantly on edge, uncomfortable, uneasy, wavering, basically, a hot mess. Worse than usual hot mess. A blazing hot mess. From depression and pits to anxiety and nerves to complete days of bliss and laughing and friends to feeling completely alone. My multiple personalities and voices in my head gets the best of me sometimes. I have been so so relaxed and so so stressed within minutes. I can carry on a coherent conversation out loud, while simultaneously carrying on 45 to 52,375 other conversations inside my head. I came back to the states and PROMISED God that He could just have my whole heart. So over the last 3 months, I've done what many of you have done, I've taken some of it back. I've held on to some of it while He's captured the rest. He has destroyed some of my heart and rebuilt them and refurnished the whole thing with what He believes looks best. It has been a painful refining of fire. I don't always think it looks best but I don't see what He sees. (That was also my prayer this summer.) After I came back, I wrote this blog... You Can Have It.

In thinking and talking through this tonight with a friend, I realized how much I've taken back. How much I let the things I didn't want to change me change. How much I gave to God willingly over stars and letters and loves and how quickly I'm holding my fist to shake at him because I'm just mad over it. He didn't give me what I wanted exactly when I wanted it. So I don't completely retract my original prayer, but if I could change it, it would say...

Jesus- Take my fancy and un-fancy things. Take all my things. Every single piece. Take my time and attention and relationships. And while you're at it, take the time I use to think about relationships. It's really making me crazy. Take my focus and eyes and ears and mouth and speak into them and around them what only You would have. (P.S. Can you make sure I'm doing the same for those around me?? I could really use the help in this area as you know I have "foot in mouth syndrome.") Take my Starbucks and turn those fierce iced Chai's into conversations about You. Or use the time I drink them to make me ponder a lot of really deep things I don't understand. Just do that so I stop thinking about myself so much. Take my need for attention and starve it and set my attention and affection on You. You've definitely been doing this. Have I really tried to pull the brat card with you? I have. And I'm sorry. Take every Target shopping trip, even for the necessities and let me slow down and SEE other people. Make me relational more than a task/go-er/do-er constantly. Because it's really not about me at all. It was always you. I have all these things but you know what? You can have them. Take it. You can have it all. The speaker at church tonight was right when he called me up on the stage and exposed every dark secret of my heart and then told me that you plus everything equals nothing. Okay, he didn't call me to the stage or send me to a confession booth but I just want to be real honest that I'm struggling with this. (And I know I'm not the only one.)

And when I ask you why I'm hurting, allow me to think outside of myself and let someone else have my compassion and empathy and tears so they can hurt harder. And when I ask you if it's worth it, remind me of Sunday, Golden, Nelson, Dorothy, Peggy, Holly, Charles and Helen, Lorrin and Christopher, Kennedy, artistic Erick and Dennis the Menace. Remind me of the teachers we trained and the kids who put rocks on my feet. Remind me of the selfless service of Christopher and the dancing feet of Gabriel. Remind me of Olivia's arms around my waist and Kennedy's squished face against mine. Remind me of Meka's toothbrush and Kairos' grin. Remind me of the little boy who I "fought" with daily in Makwati just to make him smile. Remind me of Simon's wit and Richard's laugh and the fact that Derek barely understands whether I'm joking or not (and now those roles have reversed). Remind me of Keith's listening ears and verbal processing too that reminds me that we all need each other to talk through things in an honest, non-embarrassing way. Remind me to pray for Ofentse and Moshibudi and the new work you are using them for in southern Africa. Please remind me that you are ALWAYS doing a new thing in each of us, in the world we live in, around us and through us. You are ALWAYS at work, when our eyes are opened or closed and when we hear or don't hear. Those things are what it's about. Caring so much about others that I forget me in the process. So take what you want from me and set me apart for you because I want YOU to have it more than anyone else. I want to mean that more. In the process, remind me of how bad you want this for me and how bad I want it for me too. I make a lot of promises I don't keep and take back a lot of things I've given but I want to tell you that you can still have it. You can have it all. I just need some help, your tireless compassion and a reminder of your constant and beautifully woven faithfulness to me. The stars remind me. And so does Your Word and Your people. I love you. A lot. Thank you for choosing to love me. Love-Melissa

Overwhelmed on a Thursday?

Last week, after literally almost having an anxiety attack, I cried for an hour straight and went to bed. I was a DISASTER on Friday. Thank you Jesus that I didn't have school because I was such a mess. All the ladies that saw me felt lots of pity for me (which I didn't receive well, that also made me cry). I was preparing to speak last Saturday and I was exhausted. After I finished speaking on Saturday, there was this huge relief. This huge, HUGE relief. While it went well and I was pleased with the outcome, there was this deep sigh of relief that I'm sure hit every person I talked to for the rest of that day. I was so overwhelmed, I don't even know how to say how grateful I was to walk off the stage and sit down. This girl's (aka me) heart and mind had taken a beating and I wasn't a fan. 

Today, I was overwhelmed in a different way. From the time I woke up at 5am this morning until tonight, even writing this, there's a sense of anticipation that what God is doing is SO MUCH BIGGER than me. It's so much bigger than my crying girls who's boyfriends broke up with them. It is so much more than my sweet boy who told me how much he missed his mom. What God is doing in me overwhelms me so. That His good always overrides the evil in me and the negative and the bad and the guilt and shame in me. It lets me step back and laugh at the boys who argue over being Student of the Quarter. It also lets me step back and thank God for the many moments He has reminded me of His faithfulness even over the last 24 hours.

It's so much bigger than the mess of my mind, and the brokenness of my frail heart. It is so much more than wondering what will happen next. Because it is what He is doing in me now. And when He does such wonderful things, I shouldn't keep being so hard and ungrateful and difficult to work with. My will has to bend (and sometimes break) so that I can keep following what He wants for me. Sometimes A lot of the time, it takes people around me who love me beyond what I deserve to walk with me through the bending and breaking process so I change and mold and move.

Did you feel overwhelmed today?? I'm praying that it is the power of Jesus alone that overwhelms your soul and mind and strength and heart so that you find yourself in the middle of a story bigger than you and you become grateful, so incredibly grateful. I'm praying the same for me.

Love is so overwhelming too, Melis

To be beautiful...

So I spoke at the RefresHer Girls' Event today and I shared this... wish I was more embarrassed, less embarrassed... I don't know which one. Either way, it's been shared so here it is. May you find your beauty in service to others, more than anyone else. -Melis

When I was in the 5^th grade, I wore my first pair of black heels.

They made me feel beautiful. I felt so grown-up, so dressed up, so stunning.
That was until I walked into the hall of my school and the girls laughed at me.

I didn’t feel very beautiful anymore.

My hair was always down to my waist. People would ask me the strangest questions about it.

“What do you do when you go to the bathroom?” Was that a real question?

My dad always loved my long hair but no one else did and my Miss America costume for Halloween was less than stunning. I was scared…

And I didn’t feel very beautiful anymore.

I remember the first time I got my haircut. I could feel their eyes.

For the first time, guys at school were looking at me.

On the last day of 8^th grade, he looked in my direction and told me he couldn’t wait to see me in high school. I didn’t really know what beautiful was.

For the first time that I remembered, I was actually told I was beautiful in a note.

Stephen was a senior and I was a freshmen. He had curly black hair and a contagious laugh.

We were in choir together and throughout the year, I always had a crush on him.

He sat next to me on the bus on the way back from a state basketball game.

His note told me I was beautiful and he underlined it and put a square around it so I would notice it.

I don’t have that note anymore but I remember what his hand writing looked like because it was one of the first times I had actually felt beautiful, not just cute or pretty or sweet. Beautiful.

When I was in college, I remember my friend, Chris, holding the door for me back into my dorm.

He looked me straight in the face and I knew what that look meant.

He was telling me I was beautiful and he didn’t have to say a word.

I never asked him because I was too scared it would fade or change or wouldn’t last.

And how fair was it for him to be disappointed because I changed? What if my beauty faded?

As a 29 year old, I usually still don’t get it. There are few things that make me feel beautiful.

I feel like I am FINALLY realizing what it means to be REALLY beautiful.

It is more than a hair color, or facial structure or makeup layering.

It is more than a style or trend of clothes or how much I spend or don’t spend on those clothes.

Being beautiful and feeling beautiful happens more often when I make the lives of those around me more beautiful.

Laughter is beauty. Smiles are beauty. Caring is beauty. Putting others first is beauty.

If I could name some of the moments where I’ve felt the most beautiful, they all consist of other people.

Photo Credit: Carly Souza :) 

When my kids at school tell me on a bad makeup day, I’m beautiful, I feel that way.

When their eyes light up when they understand something I’m teaching, I feel beautiful.

When they take my advice in the middle of a presentation and stand confident, I feel beautiful.

When the homeless man at the light smiles because I gave him my extra chicken, I feel beautiful.

When I’ve sat and small little African girls who’ve never seen Americans before play with my hair and rub their hand on my skin, I feel beautiful.

When I drive across town with my windows down and my music up and I’m singing along and don’t care who hears me, I feel beautiful.

It’s not superiority. It’s not about arrogance or selfishness or self-centered behaviors.
Beauty is forgiveness and love and grace.

If we would make more people feel more beautiful, we would leave a be-you-tiful legacy because it wouldn’t be about us anymore, it would always be about them.