Jesus is it.

This morning, I was doing my regular social media check on EVERYTHING... Instagram, Facebook, Pinterest, Twitter and I came across this: 

"In the difficult moments of life, Christians can turn to the Mother of God and find protection and care." -Pope Francis, @Pontifex (Twitter)

There are many, MANY things that I agree with Pope Francis about. I HIGHLY admire his commitment to social justice, his care for people, and that he is a barrier breaker. He is the first in many, many years to be from Latin America and I think it could represent a strong turning point in the Catholic church in the West. He has focused on family, poverty, and taking care of people around the world through prayer and service. 

However, when I read the Old Testament (before Mary was even born), I find that the Psalmist loved and knew a protecting FATHER well. When I read the New Testament, I find that Jesus loved and knew a protecting FATHER well. 

Already, this morning, before 9:00 am, I have successfully thrown myself a pity party (and eaten chocolate cereal-thank you very much!) and have lived in my own pit. A pit in which I successfully jumped in myself with no help or other assistance needed. 

So the question is: who can save me from this/these pit/pits? 

A. Me

B. You

C. the Mother of God

D. Jesus

(A) Absolutely not. I usually jump into pits on my own. I usually bury myself in them and dig them deeper. How in the heck of a world am I going to save myself from this pit? I can't, I won't and I'm terrible at it. Wrong answer.

(B) You. I trust you (somewhat because I'm an not easy to trust kind of girl). However, it may have been you that encouraged me to jump in to begin with and while you can also encourage me to get out, if you jump in to get me-- I've got news for you! You're in it too! So now, we both need rescuing, what a successful mess we made! Also, you're living in your own jumping in pits scheme. We need to encourage one another but I can't say you're going to help too much. To be honest. (No hard feelings implied.) 

(C) the Mother of God. Again, I trust Mary-- she birthed Jesus. She was chosen by God for a great task and she was a loving, comforting mother for Jesus on Earth but she could not save Him from the cross. She could not protect him or herself from heart break. She cannot protect me either. She's in Heaven worshipping Jesus! She's kind of busy at the moment. Her story may provide great encouragement to prove that God chooses us for amazing things when we are obedient to Him but Mary cannot save me. She cannot rescue me from the pit and she cannot protect me from the darkness of the world. 

(D) Jesus. Yes! The one and only. The creator of the world. The oneness of God and the Holy Spirit. The best of every situation and the lover of our wretched souls. He is it. He is the only one deemed as the rescuer of my soul. The only one who loves me enough to not leave me where I'm at. The only one who can see the future and what's best for me. The only one who provides the GRACE needed for my unforgiving, unpardonable, guilty conscience. Right answer. He is it. 

"To you, O LORD, I called; to the Lord I cried for mercy: What gain is there in my destruction, in my going down into the pit? Will the dust proclaim your faithfulness? Hear, O LORD, and be merciful to me; O LORD, be my help. You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing to you and not be silent. O LORD my God, I will give you thanks forever." Psalm 30: 8-12

How beautiful is the grace of Jesus. How protecting is our Father. How sweet is our Master to watch over us and give us peace. How merciful is the love of our Lord to love us even still. 

Jesus is it and that is all. May His protection and care be enough for each and everyone of us. -Melis

Secrets and gratitude

I would just like to brag and whine a bit about the weekend I'm in the midst of. Besides my brain counting down until the end of school, I have (as we all do at times) needed some time of solitude. I realized this earlier this afternoon when I showed up to something with a friend to decide that I didn't really want to do what I had planned. (There were multiple things going on in my brain at that time and so I do not feel that my brain was properly working but that's beside the point.) Why didn't I come full circle with that concept before? Gratefully, she was not heart broken over it by any means and went ahead with what we had planned. I ended at home next to the pool for a good 2 1/2 hours with a book. I read about half of it this afternoon. I love love stories.... add the teenage drama love story and I love it even more... add sitting next to the pool on a perfect afternoon... I would say that I'm pretty low maintenance (sometimes). This was after my overdramatic thought process had already taken over for a few hours. Sometimes I need to leave my life decisions and become the character of a book and indulge myself for a little while. I am, after all, the award winning actress in every good film I watch, not limited to but including the role of Lizzie in "Pride and Prejudice" as well as Katherine Heigl's character in "27 Dresses," but that's really beside the point.

Hanging out with friends this weekend has given me some time to process through a few different things going on in my life. It has also given me multiple times to be vulnerable, ask for wisdom, and ask for prayer in specific areas... as well as pretend quit my life a few times :) (There's no reason to be completely serious at all times.) It has given me space to confront fears, open up about the place I've been repentant over the last couple of years, and dream dreams. Sitting next to the pool this afternoon, I was thinking again about the book One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp. She confronts this reality that she spends days highly grateful and days where she feels there is nothing to be grateful for.

Often times, when I feel this way, it is because I feel I need to hide my ugly days. My days when things aren't good.... when I yell at my kids, don't wear makeup to school, over exaggerate something that was unnecessary, blame someone for something that was my fault, I'm short tempered, I say things I don't mean, and I make up nightmares of worst case scenarios where there should be no worries. When I live in this place, I am not fun to be around, I am not nice. I am short and snappy, my sass increases by about a million percent, and I am easily offended over things that make no difference. So I'm choosing to be honest about my gross days and, YET, be honest about my grateful days and allow those grateful moments to overtake my mood swings and hyperventilational moments on life (I realize that's not a real word and my sass at the moment could care less :) ). So here's the beginning of my grateful list from this weekend...

1. Africa and the pieces of my heart that will be shortly recovered there
2. Listening ears of wisdom who listens more than speaks
3. Glimmering cobwebs to remind me the sun is shining
4. Blue skies
5. Patio furniture and beautiful nights
6. Facebook messages read early in the morning to think about during the day
7. Tan lines and sunshine
8. Text messages from dramatic friends
9. Free smoothie and VIP rewards
10. The hymn "It is well with my soul"
11. Ariana's prayer request notes in her phone
12. Love stories
13. Amazon Prime movies to watch while going to bed
14. Homemade chocolate chip cookies
15. Leftover pizza
16. Journals and Sharpie pens and written poems and letters I'm still learning from
17. A couch to nap on
18. Washing machines with a quick wash
19. Pinterest quotes and Instagram inspirations

...and that is all for now, my friends... hoping your gratefulness overwhelms your secret bad days and helps us see the good in the bad somehow and in some way. Going to sit outside and enjoy the rest of the evening! Love you (and my sincerest gratitude for reading this-- especially if you read all the time!) and happy Memorial day weekend. - Melis

Sometimes I eat chocolate cereal for dinner.

Sometimes the days are long. Sometimes the nights before are long too. Sometimes you wake up and realize how ridiculous you are. Sometimes you go to work and do ridiculous things. Sometimes you over-apologize and over think and then you can't decide what to eat for dinner and you decide you don't want to spend money so you go home and eat Cocoa Krispies and watch "Full House" re-runs that you watched when you were in elementary school and now you're 29 and you're still watching and eating the same things.       

And then you beg, "Do things really change?" "Do things always stay the same?" "What do you do to change it? What stays the same in the process?" And then I (being the you in all the above statements) sit and write a blog. I'm not sure that it always helps me right then but I think it does in the long run. (Side note: Sometimes I write these for myself more than to be read!!)

I had the most bizarre pedicure earlier. I swear they took a cheese grater to my foot, followed by a plastic bag of lotion. I've never had that happen. All the while, I'm attempting to read a book for my small group but am somewhat unsuccessful. And I'm thinking. A lot. A lot a lot. 

A lot of change has happened for and to me over the last year. I expect more again in the upcoming year but I sometimes wonder if I'm anchored enough to handle it. Can a broken heart be repaired completely and can a messed-up mind think straight? 

My inadequacies are mostly due to the lie of the Enemy. I sleep and wake worried, whether it is necessary or not. I'm reading One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp and she says this:

"...I know all our days are struggle and warfare (Job 14:14) and that the spirit-to-spirit combat I endlessly wage with Satan is this ferocious thrash for joy. He sneers at all the things that seem to have gone hideously mad in this sin-drunk world, and I gasp to say God is good. The liar defiantly scrawls his graffiti across God's glory, and I heave to enjoy God... and Satan strangles, and I whiten knuckles to grasp real Truth and fix that beast to the floor." (p. 90)

Over the last few weeks, I've felt like God has spoken clearly about a few different areas of my life but I'm scared out of my mind that what He is saying could be true (and believe me, I know it is!). It means I have to let someone in, to be myself to someone who doesn't know anything about me, to speak Truth in love, to speak Truth to a group of people I know nothing about, and to be okay with failing. To risk and to get up and to not let myself be won over by insecurity and inadequacy. 

To sometimes eat chocolate cereal for dinner and breakfast and be okay with a slight change. 

Praying selfishly for some peace, but not always patience :) -Melis

"...God chooses to cut into my ungrateful heart to make me whole." -Ann Voskamp

Stop with the show already.

A few months ago, I began this journey of being INCREDIBLY honest. Those of you who know me well are wondering why I think this began then. I know, I have always had a gift (some would call it a challenge) for telling the Truth and an extremely guilty conscience. When you have a guilty conscience, you just tell the truth. Period. Any time I've lied, I've completely known it. Do not think for a moment that my mind is ever in denial.

My family is known for exaggerating the truth. What was a small scratch on someone's knee all of a sudden becomes an amputated leg and arm when there was nothing wrong with their arm to begin with. At the point I realized how much I was literally straight up lying, I started telling these ridiculous stories, followed by, "Just kidding, that part didn't happen." I got some of the strangest looks and then I started doing it so much, I started getting laughter. After some time when I began to actually THINK (now there's an idea) before I would speak, it helped and I found myself (mostly) without this stupid, idiotic problem called being a liar.

All that to say, I'm making it a point to be honest. To be real with myself. It was interesting tonight in talking to my small group girls (who I love and adore) who are 8th, 9th, and 10th graders, that it is simple for us all to acknowledge our sin but it is difficult to forgive ourselves and accept grace because we believe we are so undeserving. As if Jesus's death on the cross wasn't actually enough.  Why do we believe this? Because we think our value and worth is dependent on what we do and not on the cross.

I would say that for the last few months, it has been a real challenge for me to stand in front of people and carry on "normal" conversations with people while talking about being depressed. I have been deeply ashamed and regret speaking up. Some people have made some terribly insensitive comments and suggestions but many (and most) others have been very supportive. Many identify with the struggle and are able to be honest because of what God is teaching me in walking in honesty and truth. It's amazing that hurt people hurt people but really, free people free people.

In the process, God opened my eyes and ears to hurting people around me everywhere. They began sharing and I shared even more. Students in my classes began telling their stories. I could say I've been there. Kids at church started doing the same and I was able to say, I've been there. There's just something about becoming honest that makes people want to be around you. I'm not saying I've got it all together and Jesus knows how much I can be no fun to be around. However, let's be real so that broken people realize they're not the only ones and we get down from our pride chairs and pay attention for a few minutes.

So stop with the show already. There's no need to pretend that we are something that we're not. Remember, free people free people... and I'm free indeed. I'm willing to be who I am without fear. 

Praying for more bravery and courage for myself and YOU! Melis

You. Know. Me. I. Myself. All of it.

On Thursday, I was sitting at In n Out Burger with Valerie. Valerie is a senior; I had her as an 8th grader. She is about to graduate, is figuring out what to do next, and is passionate. We spent 2.5 hours talking, laughing and telling stories. More than once, I repeated the phrase, "But God knows me well!" Boy, does he. Oh my. How he does. 

And I can't get over it. There's a song I was introduced to over a month ago called "You know me." (The link to the song is at the bottom of this entry.) I have cried and cried and cried multiple times listening to it. 

"And nothing is hidden from your sight.

Wherever I go, you find me.

You know every detail of my life.

You are God and You don't miss a thing."

Nothing. Not a thing.

Sometimes when I'm struggling, like this morning laying on my couch over thinking, God gently reminds me to breathe deep. He sees what's inside my mind. He knows what I need. He knows what I want. He knows every detail of the what, who, how and whys in my life. 

Every. Single. One. 

Every. Single. Time. 

He whispers into the chaos and he talks loud in the quiet. He memorizes me. My thoughts. The color of my eyes. The amount of hairs on my head. The hurts in my heart. The unforgiveness in my head. The calluses on my hands. The bruises on my knees. The bumps on my elbows. The crookedness of my feet. He knows. 

I find a deep comfort in that. To know that I am confiding in One who knows everything already but still wants to talk to me. One who still provides CPR when I can't breathe. One who still hears the pulse of my heart. One who still asks what I'm passionate about. One who opens doors. One who urges kids to talk to me and for me to listen. One who still allows me to be a mom. One who still urges me to stand up for myself. One who still gave me a voice to speak for those who can't. And those who won't. 

That is the One who knows me. Deeply. Tenderly. Compassionately. Mercifully. Beautifully. Graciously. 

He knows you too. What do you still want to tell Him? 

"You memorize me." -Melis

http://youtu.be/cVVlMQved8k