3 years ago… I wrote the following poem.
1.12.08
I’m falling, hurting, aching.
You’re flying, soaring, breaking
Down barriers in my heart.
You are tearing me apart
And it hurts.
Building ruins and restoring
Devastation—that’s what
Your love is about.
Tearing down to rebuild better,
Breaking places to make
Me stronger.
Breaking my heart and
Piecing together the aches
And the pains of yesterday.
How have I allowed myself
To stay this way?
In all my stubbornness,
Pain and pride—I reach
Only toward the outside.
Not toward you—where I
Find relief.
A refuge, a home, comfort, peace.
Love me Jesus, love me deep.
Love me deeper, love me please.
It’s crazy that my life runs in cycles. I’m sure yours does the same if you were being honest. A few minutes ago, I heard a 13ish year old girl tell her BFF who was standing beside her, “Life is just like that sometimes.” I’m sure she’ll walk out of Panera believing that completely and being okay with it, right? I doubt it… it’s actually one of those things that Keisha and I and so many others and myself talk about… it’s easier said than done. I have found that in the middle of immense blessing comes immense pain and I have also found the opposite. I have found that sometimes it feels like my life must be the picture of Hell on earth, only to find that Heaven is a little bit sweeter because it has been a little bit harder before that point. I find that the peace of God is sweeter when I have felt like a storm has been completely wrecking my life. Do you? I’m sure that you, just like me, just like the 13ish year old girl… we find that life is “just that way sometimes…” and yet we grumble and complain and absolutely know it will get better. It’s just harder getting to that point.
This week has been crazy. Monday, my school campus was saturated with Jesus. Twenty college students from a university in Michigan who are all believers walked into classrooms, worked with students, talked with teachers, and were Jesus. What an incredible beginning. Tuesday, around 20 students whom I love dearly chose some very poor decisions and therefore, faced some really hard consequences, totally deserving, yes and some even received the grace that I prayed for specifically—behavior school and not complete expulsion. What kind of disheartening world do I live in? Students who I have spent time with, loved on, invested in… threw away everything they had going for them to make a mistake that they thought would only last an hour, not an entire semester. I go back to the poem I wrote above, feeling the same way that when God so often devastates the people I love around me, I am devastated too. It’s been a hard week and it’s been an interesting weekend. To top off the week, the rest of my students who I love and trust as well… one took something very costly from my room. What a great way to end the week, right? In the midst of all of this, God is really showing me my own heart and that just sucks sometimes. My heart that is selfish and thinks I know what’s best for every kid in my classroom, a heart that chooses sometimes what is so evil and wicked because my mind chooses to be in a bad mood…. What am I doing? It’s almost like my deceptive heart is challenging God. Totally uncalled for I know and totally where I’m at.
And so I ask myself the question, “What is my place in this disheartening world?” Well, God decided that I should find out that answer this morning at about 4 AM. And he didn’t let me go to sleep until He knew I understood it. My place is what is described in Proverbs 31:8-9 (here I am thinking it’s Isaiah), “Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves; defend the rights of all those who have nothing. Speak up and judge fairly, and defend the rights of the poor and needy.” (This is beside the fact that I was dreaming literally names of countries in the Middle East and I woke up with a huge urgency to pray for them.) My place with my students, even when I am hurting and do not understand, is to speak up for them. They are broken and needy in so many ways, and although they have done things repeatedly that have hurt me, I have done so much more to break the heart of the Jesus that I absolutely love. So yes, this world is disheartening, but for some reason knowing that I have a place that God has completely called me to in this world… makes it a little bit easier. May you find His peace and understanding and incredible love to be more than enough for you in a world that is completely broken. He is it.
-Melis
