A tiny Shepherd. Enough.

I was sitting at my sister and brother-in-law's church yesterday through two services as they led worship with the band. Most people just judge the 2nd service or play games on their iPhones but I was intrigued in the first one and couldn't help but listen and write through the 2nd. Pastor Chan talked about not being afraid, how the angel called the shepherds in the fields to "not be afraid" and go see the baby Jesus. He explained and justified all of their fears-- inadequacies, lack of education, lack of self worth, slaves, unloved... And then he talked through why we feel that way a lot of the time and why it was important for them to leave fear and go see Jesus. The beauty for me is that Jesus loves the underdog. He always has-- reaching out to those cast down and out by society and healing them, restoring them to their righteous places. What an adoration and love I have for that part of Jesus's heart. 

I penned these words during the second service hoping to identify what it was they felt and I think God softened my heart for the shepherds and let me see something more. Praying that this season is a gift for you in more than presents under the tree. This tiny Shepherd is so much more than enough. So. Much. More. 

-Melis

We were out in the field,

As we had been for days, 

Guarding our cattle and sheep.

Wondering. Wandering. Wondering.

One night, as we were, 

an angel appeared to us,

To tell us to not be afraid, 

A Savior had been born. 

We were to go see Him. Us?

Many of us, slaves. Sons. Worthless. 

Not believing that we were

The ones being told to go. 

This baby, a Savior, the Messiah.

We were unworthy, unloved and inadequate. 

Outcast by religion and society

Religion proved our unworthiness.

We were poor.

Marginalized. Uneducated. Unwanted.

But we were good shepherds--

We knew the voice of a Master. 

And the angel spoke with authority from God. This was Good News.

We took our flocks without fear and went

To see the Anointed One. 

We were not afraid- 

We had been told the Truth. 

We went to see this tiny Shepherd. 

This small one lying in a manger

Surrounded by love in a mother and father. And us. 

We knew that He was more than a babe in a trough. 

We praised God as we left and shared our story with everyone we knew. 

"Love came down and rescued me. 

Love came down and set me free. 

'I am Yours. I am forever Yours.'

Mountain high and valley low. 

I sing out and remind my soul,

'I am Yours. I am forever yours.'"

Those were the words we sang- 

Forever. In our coming and going.

The words of a deep reminder that a Tiny Shepherd would guide us and keep us and regard us as enough.

That would make our poverty-

Enough.

That would take our lack of education, self worth, and finances-

Enough. 

That would walk with us through the highest mountains and lowest valleys-

And be more than enough. 

A Tiny Shepherd.

   Who removed our fears 

And made us fearless. 

   Enough. 

(Lyrics to "Love Came Down" written by Brian Johnson. I'm familiar with Kari Jobe's version and they sang this yesterday at the end of each service.)

When God gives us something else.

I was sitting on a stool at a counter next to Suria. We were talking about the Freedom Climb and their busy season. She asked me about how I was doing. How was school? How was life in Vegas? I teared up because God had flown me across the whole world to spend 8 cold weeks in Africa. I imagined that he would take me back to the states to pack and raise support for a year before I would return. Coming back to the states, I was absolutely certain that God wanted me in Las Vegas. I had no idea the adorable little loves He would purposely place in my life that next year but He knew. He could see something I could not.

Rewind back to my last year of college. I received a text message from a guy who had basically said he could not imagine life without me. We had talked back and forth for some time then. Now, in hind sight, I realize how scary a texting romance is but I was naive and clueless and desperate for a relationship. I would feed any attention I received. Thinking I would probably be married in the next year, I planned out my wedding and bridesmaids and location and flowers and all with no Pinterest inspiration. My imagination did work Pinterest will never possess the power to control. But I didn't marry him. He didn't really imagine spending the rest of his life with me and my heart was crushed for some time as it had been before with multiple men who claim to know what the one looks like, when they were so clueless, I could throw up. 

So here I am at 30. Having gone through more than one seasonal depression, more than one relationship, more than one moment of delusion, and definitely many moments of asking God where I was supposed to live and why. 

I know little. But I do know that sometimes when God seems disappointing, He is just disapproving of what I want. Because He loves me enough to see past the end of my nose and see much farther into a future that is absolutely delightful to His Kingdom. 

It hurts. It hurts a lot. So this morning, when I sang that sometimes God "keeps me in the valley," I really believe it. He has and in the process, He has kept me from myself and the dangers I provoke and promote and endear. The waiting is never easy and constantly wondering what comes next is a slow burn but I'm praying for more trust. For bolder faith. For braver prayers. For courage to see myself the way He sees me. 

Praying for you because I can't imagine I'm the only one who has ever struggled or wondered over this. I just can't be. 

-Melis