...Rewind back to the Friday before Spring Break when one of my boys broke down. Something about March and Fridays and families makes my boys cave. And they break my heart. Sweet thing just needed to get a lot out of his head and heart and he cried real tears and I cried too and we both just stood there and cried and that's how my Spring Break started. With tears. Lots of them. He said some of the most meaningful things to me though in the midst of the seeming mess when I reminded them that there was absolutely nothing wrong with what he had as his goals for his future. These are some of the things he said...
'No one else is like you.'
'No one else thinks like you do.'
'No one else believes the same things you do.'
'I've been here for 4 or 5 years and I've never met anyone like you.'
STOP. You stop it right there. My heart was feeling about four hundred emotions at this point because I know a lot of the time I'm one of the only ones that does believe the things I do in the environment that I'm in. That's not the first time I've been told that. It's not the first time I've believed statements like that about myself either. It's not the first time I've known that. I got a message from one of my boys from 8th grade today asking me to come to an art show of his. I literally haven't heard from him in 3 or 4 years. There's something God is doing in me that I can't always see but he does.
...and sometimes Satan has a hay day with it. He makes it a challenge and I get really confused about what is right and wrong and what I should and should not do. And I get myself in a worked up mess, physically sick mess when God is just like, "Are you ready to start being normal and stop being so over dramatic now?" A lot of times, my answer is something like, "No but thanks for asking," "Give me a minute (or hour) on that one, would you?," or the normal say nothing and pretend that He can't see what you're doing or can't hear what you're thinking (or saying out loud if you're me) nonsense. I realize this seems completely over the top and ridiculous but I'm just being real with you.A lot of times when Jesus wrecks my life and turns things upside down, He opens up my eyes to see things that I can't otherwise and I become overly sensitive and nervous about all of it. What if I mess it up? What if I don't know what to say? What if I do the wrong thing? What if... what if... what if... if the Guinness Book of World Records could see inside my brain, I feel certain I would hold a record for thinking the most ridiculous thoughts within seconds.
"...do not worry about what to say or how to say it. At that time you will be given what to say, for it will not be you speaking, but the Spirit of your Father speaking through you." (Matthew 10:19b-20)
What if I turned my what if questions around and asked God what He wanted to use me for?
What if He took everything I know about Christianity and God out the window and replaced all of the nonsense with His word clear and true?
What if He completely wrecked my emotions as a means to get my attention?
Likely... all of those things likely. And really, all of those things really happening. I'm the moving feet and the gentle hands and the soft tears and the warm smile and the refuge of Jesus to some of my kids. A place where they can trust and seek peace. I may be the first (and prayerfully, not the last), but I know that He has placed me exactly where He wants me for a reason and those kids are a big part of that reason. -Melis
"Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him. He alone is my rock and salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken. My salvation and my honor depend on God; he is my mighty rock, my refuge. Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge." Psalm 62:5-8
