My Mountain.

Sunrise Mountain, eastern Las Vegas

On Friday afternoon, I posted this picture.

I was literally falling apart. 

I know this is hard to believe but if you don't remember from before, I am so good at telling the truth an incredibly awesome liar. Before you jump to all the conclusions that you should, hear me out. I make people believe what I want them to believe about me. That often includes covering up what's really going on with me, which is usually a lot, because I process 90% of what I experience internally. The only time I process things externally or verbally is that 10% so let's talk about what a rare occasion that is. VERY rare. So my Facebook world thought I was experiencing a mid-life crisis. Welcome to my world. I felt like I was. Sometimes when we feel things, it makes them very true. Sometimes it just means I'm being irrational, overdramatic and very emotional. I believe that my boiling point on Friday was D. All of the above.

Last week was just emotional, lots of heartache, sad and hurt feelings, and a possible move of one of my absolute favorite kids of all time was my Friday. Needless to say, I was broken-hearted out the wazoo. I yelled at a student on Thursday because he interrupted me about 4 million times (so in reality, only about 40 times, which is still a lot-- FYI). After I yelled at him and I had calmed down, I was explaining to him why I was upset and told him that I wasn't mad at him, to which he replied, "I don't care if you're mad at me. I don't care." To which I cleared off every table in the room and then began jumping off of tables. To which I replied in anger, but also more hurt, that it didn't matter if I was his teacher anymore, my feelings as a person in his life were hurt, bottom line. He accused me of bringing up the past and that it was hurtful to him. Needless to say, my tears scared him and he was silent and a very good listener after that but it didn't matter because I WAS FINISHED talking. I left school in tears Thursday.

So starting Friday was not exactly a joy ride for me. I was a wreck. And when I say wreck, that is possibly the biggest understatement of the week. I was a ballistic, sobbing mess covered up with fake smiles and sarcastic jokes. After finding out that one of my kids faced a huge decision for himself and his family over the weekend, I was just outright heartbroken. Like I'm staring at the computer to pretend my allergies and staring problems are causing my eyes to water. I cried after school in my room by myself. I went and talked to a couple of other teachers and cried again. I called Vanessa in the car and cried again. I got off the phone and just kept crying so I decided to have McDonald's sweet tea and U-Swirl frozen yogurt for dinner. (Clearly, I make healthy decisions in emotional states.) We were having a school dance, which I was so dreading because that made a one million hour work day. (I'm also very good at math in emotional states.)

I had to go to Target/Dollar Store to grab some glow sticks for the dance and then decided that I probably need a few other items while there (emotional buyer, anyone?) aka I bought half of a new outfit because I was now crying and sweating profusely, and then felt utterly dehydrated. (Am I the only one that is literally a HOT mess like this?) On the way to Target, I looked straight up Bonanza in eastern Las Vegas to Sunrise Mountain and God began calmly speaking to me. He knows that I'm crazy in the head when I'm that emotional and therefore will not listen to a whisper and will ignore a shout. So He just started bringing up all this stuff in my head while I'm staring at this colossal giant of rock. I keep thinking, what does any of that have to do with this? I don't know how God makes connections the way He does, maybe because He is the best teacher of all time.

I lived next to Sunrise Mountain for a year with RaeLynn and Katie. It was a crazy and busy year for all of us but it was a change that I had needed to start over in a few areas of my life. I had spent the year before that a messed-up, messy mess and RaeLynn had been the encouraging friend who had constantly invited me to go places with her and meet new people. Invitations to which I refused all the time but I knew that her invitations meant she cared. She continued that throughout the following year when we lived next to the mountain. During that first summer, I had spent 6 weeks in Africa, had been stuck in an airport in the Middle East for 24 hours, and had gotten some type of weird throat sickness. I had lost weight the year before because I was depressed and refused to eat really anything that had any nutritional value or supplement for me and because I had been in Africa for 6 weeks. The year in the Sunrise Mountain house had allowed me to re-enter teaching with a best friend next door at school, while also rebuilding friendships because I had very few at that point. That year was an incredible restoring point that has followed me until now and so as God was speaking to me about the mountain. He reminded me that He can move a mountain whenever He so chooses but He sometimes leaves them there so I can trust Him more because He loves me enough to be patient with me while still chasing and healing my aching heart. That year moved a few mountains for me, with many more to come after, but it was fresh beginning. It was a redemptive act. It was nothing besides love.

God dearly loves to redeem my mountains. He walks me up and around, He hoists me to the top and lets me leave my baggage there, and then as I walk toward the valley, He walks ahead of me and sometimes carries me when I just do not have the courage or strength to do it anymore. He pushes me up the next mountain and walks beside me reminding me that He is with me and will not leave me. He leads when I ask him to. He is faithful to walk behind when I'm stubborn to run in front.

Today, I received a note that talked about how much this person wanted to give up but felt that "God keeps pushing me forward." I cried when I read that because I know how much I fight God sometimes to choose to give up and He keeps on and does not let up. 

Praying that He uses your mountain(s) to remind you of how dearly you are loved beyond comparison, how much He desires to use you where you are, and that even when you give up and run back down the mountain, He gathers you and throws you on His shoulders so you can also see what's up ahead. 

I get it. You're not alone. -Melissa

The deafening of insignificance.

There is something in all of us that says, "You are important! You are unique!" 

 

There is something inside of me (and many of you) that counteracts that with, "When will you be done with this? Why do you think anyone should ever listen to you? When do you think you'll be counted as significant? Do you really matter?"

In a world that is screaming, we are often found screaming as well, rather than stopping to listen or care or show kindness or be compassionate. I spend so much time focused on why people aren't listening to me that I too have stopped listening. Isn't it interesting the way that works?

In my begging to be made significant, I make others feel insignificant. If that is not selfish, I really don't know what is. 

I shut people out of my life because I am fearful to ask questions or be honest or just listen sometimes. I shut people out of my life before they have a chance to shut me out of theirs. Before I have the chance to be hurt, I hurt others. That is the making if insignificant people everywhere-- is it not?

I'm on a quest to make others feel significant. To let them know they matter. To let them know they, too, make a difference. 

This is something I'm willing to share so much that others will be deafened and have no choice but to be done or join in. 

Hoping you join me. Start now.

Tell someone in your life why they matter to you and deafen them with encouragement, honest talk and sweet significance. It will change your world. 

#bringiton2014

-M

Desperate but Overwhelmed.

I went into this weekend with lots of hesitation and the fear of what God would and could do.

On my flight back to Las Vegas from Michigan, I’m writing and thinking of the many moments that I had myself this weekend, while teaching and speaking. The only word I can think of to describe a weekend like I just had is “overwhelming.” When I left Africa and I came back to the USA a few years ago, it was the realization that everyone didn’t want to know every detail of my trip and therefore, I had to figure out how to describe the entire 8 weeks in one word and I used that same one: OVERWHELMED. ((So if that’s all you want to know, you can stop reading here J But I promise that the best is yet to come!!))

Isn’t that what happens when you’re in the presence of the Living God? Becoming overwhelmed?

Isn’t that what happens when our worlds get turned upside down, as one of the girls described it—‘sledgehammered’—and turned back over to the One we love most? Becoming overwhelmed?

I needed this weekend maybe more than any girl there. And not ironically at all, I think many of us felt that way.  It wasn’t the appeal of nature and her scenery or the appeal of speaking to a group of 50 college girls, although those things were definite bonuses. It wasn’t the appeal of travel or spending time with some sweet friends and their families, although those things were absolutely wonderful. I needed DESPERATELY for Jesus to speak into my very broken heart. I needed the questions they asked, and the reassurance that I wasn’t alone in this journey. I needed the encouragement and reminder of the significant life change that I too experienced as a college student. I want more Jesus in me. I craved Jesus then and I want to crave Him again.

In lunch lines, at breakfast tables, moving through small groups, and speaking and listening in large group sessions, I was constantly faced with the reality of my own wanderings and my own redemptions. I shared of my deep depression a few years back, anxiety attacks, and the forgiveness I walked through with a family I deeply admire. I shared of my fear of the unknown and my walking out on belonging to the church and barely showing up and the restoration God brought to me by placing me in co-leading a group of senior girls who LOVED Jesus well. I shared story after story of the way God has redeemed me by placing me with some of the craziest kids in Las Vegas both at Mack and now at Global.

One thing I know for sure: God continues to redeem my story and I have not arrived.

One thing I am sure of: I need to figure out what dreams I have and get moving. Starting now.

One thing I want: more of Jesus, less of me. More Him speaking and me listening. More Him reviving and me receiving. More grace and more response.

I knew there was something about 2014 that would blow my mind completely and I can’t even begin to think that this is all there is.

I am thrilled to be a part of what God is doing. He is worth it and I'm excitedly overwhelmed.

-Melis