It's been a while... I know. I have stopped having as many weekly visits to Panera (even though that's where I am at the moment). Since I have returned from Africa, I have read a lot and by a lot I mean I completed my 10th book this morning, and that doesn't even include the 2 I am in the middle of. I have, over the last year or so, fallen in love with memoirs. People who tell their stories... the good, the bad, the ugly... their secrets, the well-known parts of them, and day to day life. Well I have a confession to make... I am ready to be that honest. In reading these books, I have found a new part of me that I have been able to admit over the last few weeks so I thought I would share it with you.
When I first moved to Las Vegas, I knew life would be different. I knew that life wouldn't be easy (not that it had been before that, but now I was considered an adult). I had no family in Vegas, except for adopted families and they still never knew me as well as my blood family does. I knew some people and had some friends but I left all my best friends on the East Coast and they were getting ready or had already packed up their lives and started over too. Jenn was in Colorado... Diana was getting ready to move to India after spending part of a semester in Greece... Abby was trying to decide what to do and where to go and she still had a year or so to finish up so she stuck it out in good old Cleveland (brave her). So I left and moved west and figured that I had a lot waiting for me in Vegas... boy, was I right about that! In that first year, I moved twice, had 3 roommates, started a new job, served a good bit in my new home church, got baptized and traveled out of the country to Africa for the first time.
A lot of my mindsets and life changed while working in inner city Las Vegas with kids who had nothing and were in gangs, and then going to Africa gave me a completely different view of the world and what God had in store for me. Upon my return from Africa that fall, a lot of me changed. I didn't know how to be around people. I didn't want to be around some people. What I saw in Africa made me realize that I wanted to choose wisely who brought me up and down and in the process, I lost some people very close to me. I also saw what God was going on the other side of the world in the most simplistic way and I couldn't understand why it couldn't be duplicated in my world in Las Vegas. Candace (my amazing roommate at the time) had just gotten engaged in the summer and had to move out a little sooner than she thought and so I ended up being at home quite a bit by myself. During that time though, I sunk into what I will call a shallow depression. I felt like people didn't want me around anymore (I know now that it wasn't true or even close now) and I really just didn't want to be around people. I would sleep, watch movies, eat at home and sometimes just not eat. I lost weight, lost sleep at night because I was sleeping so much during the day and I became more of a hermit than I had ever been.... and really, I'm definitely already an introvert. I lost people that I loved and I was also dealing with stepping out of church ministry (which was totally what I needed to do at the time) for the first time in almost 7 years... I had been in it since high school. What was I going to do with all my time? How was I going to spend my time? Who was I going to be friends with? Did I still want to go to the same church? The answer was confusing... and still is confusing. In that following year, God brought me a new roommate who was loving and helpful, as well as great friends to work with and become close to.
I think I thought that if people knew I felt that way they would definitely not want me around but I realize now that God truly does place people in our lives for a reason. He knows us so much better than we knows ourselves and He is more than willing to listen, be a shoulder to cry on, and provide people to encourage and strengthen us. That year, I became so close to my kids at school and they knew me better than the year before.... they knew me so well that it was a little dangerous. I still keep in touch with those kids and that year brought me closer to the next year's group of kids. I think it's okay at the end of the day to be honest. I think it's okay to be honest enough to say that I know what depression feels like and the beginnings of the depth of it looks like. My confessions are just me... and there's nothing wrong with that.
May you be real enough with yourself to realize how someone else can or does feel-- it changes everything! I'm living there... Melis
Friday, October 28, 2011
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
One word.
I am always asked when I return from Africa (or anywhere else for that matter), "How was it?" Really... it's absolutely impossible to describe 8 weeks of your life in one word. That's like making it equivalent to asking what I ate for lunch or how my last class was, so I have chosen the word "overwhelming." I have chosen this word because it adequately describes general, specific, negative and positive. It is all encompassing. Think about it... don't you agree? I chose wisely, my friends.
I was overwhelmed with God's goodness, His faithfulness to me, His sufficiency, His unwavering love for me and for the world we live in, His generosity and willingness to give. I was overwhelmed with the amount of books I read, the poverty that I saw and experienced and the goodness that is left in people by His grace. I was overwhelmed with the willingess of people to be real, vulnerable, genuine, and authentic. I was overwhelmed with how much we consume in America, how little we actually need and how simple life could be if we really wanted it to be. I was overwhelmed with the lack of concern of time and my overconcern for time and my very little ability to bend to other's expectations. Those are just a few things but I thought
I should write at least a little bit because I haven't in like a month.
Being in Africa was completely overwhelming for me and I hope to explain more of that in detail in the future. Much love and peace to you on this journey of loving Jesus.
-Melis
The picture is Andrew, one of the cutest 3rd graders I met at Nakoli Community School in Kabwe, Zambia. Tell me this smile doesn't just take your heart away :)
I was overwhelmed with God's goodness, His faithfulness to me, His sufficiency, His unwavering love for me and for the world we live in, His generosity and willingness to give. I was overwhelmed with the amount of books I read, the poverty that I saw and experienced and the goodness that is left in people by His grace. I was overwhelmed with the willingess of people to be real, vulnerable, genuine, and authentic. I was overwhelmed with how much we consume in America, how little we actually need and how simple life could be if we really wanted it to be. I was overwhelmed with the lack of concern of time and my overconcern for time and my very little ability to bend to other's expectations. Those are just a few things but I thought
I should write at least a little bit because I haven't in like a month.
Being in Africa was completely overwhelming for me and I hope to explain more of that in detail in the future. Much love and peace to you on this journey of loving Jesus.
-Melis
The picture is Andrew, one of the cutest 3rd graders I met at Nakoli Community School in Kabwe, Zambia. Tell me this smile doesn't just take your heart away :)
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Lessons Learned in South Africa
I have been in South Africa for the last 6 weeks.... and today I leave for the long, extensive, border-controlling journey to Zambia. It will take 3 days. It's like driving across the states from Atlanta to Las Vegas, except there are cities on the freeway. There are mostly only villages here. (If you can even call some of what you see a village, maybe a lone hut.) It is truly Africa. I will be travelling with Coen, Suria, their daughters, and Anita, a German girl who works for OM. It should be a good drive with lots of reading time and maybe even a herd of elephants or something. There is one thing that I have learned about life in order to make the future better... and that is reflection. As I leave places, parts of life, or even events I consider what could have been better, what was learned, and how I would do things differently in the future so I thought I would share a few of those with you...
1. God made it very clear to me that teaching at Mack in Las Vegas is where He wants me now. There is no need to "worry about tomorrow, because tomorrow has enough worries of its' own." This past year of teaching brought a lot of new things in me and a lot of those things I didn't like but I learned so much. There were so many kids who drove me crazy but I had some huge, defining moments and huge strides that I have not seen for the last 4 years. I'm excited to jump into this next year. With that comes graduations from my first year of students and a new class that has never been taught before but God has chosen me for this (sometimes I wonder why) and I think the new year will bring about more hope than I could ever imagine.
2. Life is not to be lived alone. After living by myself for the last year, I really began to wonder if I could even function living with other people because I have in some ways become entirely selfish. Thank the Lord that He knows me so much better than I know myself. He allowed me to travel to Kimberley and experience real community and a new sense of belonging and he has allowed me to live with very Godly, wise people over the last 6 weeks who have challenged my thoughts and passions and have encouraged me that Godliness is worth striving for. Esmarie, who has been my roommate, has showed me time and time again that life is about giving and thinking of others. She consistently puts others before herself and Jesus shines through her in every moment of it. Anneretha, who I met a couple of summers ago, has just reminded me that it is okay to go through tough times, as well as question what God is doing in my life. He wants to tell me but sometimes I have to ask and listen. AND even though I am so introverted, it's ridiculous, I need people to be around and others to live life with.
3. Give, give and give some more. Week after week, on garbage pickup day, I saw Coen and Suria's family running around in order to give to someone who just needed some food and was digging through their "rubbish" in the front. It wasn't like it was second thought. It was bottom line. That's just what you do and I love that. There are also so many "beggars" here who stand at traffic lights... Esmarie kept snacks in her car to give them so she didn't have to think about whether she had money or not, or whether she should give that or not. It's just what you do. I want to be more like that.
4. Crossing the Jordan. I think I have mentioned this before because I have thought so much about it. Coen gives the picture of particular young people who God gives the opportunity to cross the Jordan River with Him and so many stand at the edge peering in. How I long to be a person who crosses, trusting Jesus at every moment.
May you think of what you have learned and change things in your life so that you reflect Godliness, wisdom, and humility. That's what I've seen here. That's what I want.
"Attraversiamo"-- let's cross over. -Melissa
1. God made it very clear to me that teaching at Mack in Las Vegas is where He wants me now. There is no need to "worry about tomorrow, because tomorrow has enough worries of its' own." This past year of teaching brought a lot of new things in me and a lot of those things I didn't like but I learned so much. There were so many kids who drove me crazy but I had some huge, defining moments and huge strides that I have not seen for the last 4 years. I'm excited to jump into this next year. With that comes graduations from my first year of students and a new class that has never been taught before but God has chosen me for this (sometimes I wonder why) and I think the new year will bring about more hope than I could ever imagine.
2. Life is not to be lived alone. After living by myself for the last year, I really began to wonder if I could even function living with other people because I have in some ways become entirely selfish. Thank the Lord that He knows me so much better than I know myself. He allowed me to travel to Kimberley and experience real community and a new sense of belonging and he has allowed me to live with very Godly, wise people over the last 6 weeks who have challenged my thoughts and passions and have encouraged me that Godliness is worth striving for. Esmarie, who has been my roommate, has showed me time and time again that life is about giving and thinking of others. She consistently puts others before herself and Jesus shines through her in every moment of it. Anneretha, who I met a couple of summers ago, has just reminded me that it is okay to go through tough times, as well as question what God is doing in my life. He wants to tell me but sometimes I have to ask and listen. AND even though I am so introverted, it's ridiculous, I need people to be around and others to live life with.
3. Give, give and give some more. Week after week, on garbage pickup day, I saw Coen and Suria's family running around in order to give to someone who just needed some food and was digging through their "rubbish" in the front. It wasn't like it was second thought. It was bottom line. That's just what you do and I love that. There are also so many "beggars" here who stand at traffic lights... Esmarie kept snacks in her car to give them so she didn't have to think about whether she had money or not, or whether she should give that or not. It's just what you do. I want to be more like that.
4. Crossing the Jordan. I think I have mentioned this before because I have thought so much about it. Coen gives the picture of particular young people who God gives the opportunity to cross the Jordan River with Him and so many stand at the edge peering in. How I long to be a person who crosses, trusting Jesus at every moment.
May you think of what you have learned and change things in your life so that you reflect Godliness, wisdom, and humility. That's what I've seen here. That's what I want.
"Attraversiamo"-- let's cross over. -Melissa
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Dreams and Plans.
Over the last couple of weeks, I have spent quite a bit of time thinking and dreaming about what I would like to see happen within my lifetime. I think that God has been sovereign in giving me things to process and things to think about at the same time. I have found myself dreaming about what my dreams are... maybe it's the malaria medicine. :) Who knows? Anywho, there are so many dreams and desires I have for life and more than anything, I so desire to make God the center of it all and really more than that, that he would be the center of me so that every decision I make is what He wants for me. I'm not worried or stressed about this... I just want him to be at the center of it all. Psalm 119:37 says, "Turn my eyes from looking at what is worthless; give me life in your ways." (Holman Standard)... another version or paraphrase I've read says, "Turn me away from wanting anything but you." ....sigh.... anything but you.... anything. That is my prayer, as I pursue dreams, desires, wants and loves for my life.
May Christ be the center of You. May He be seen and pursued by You... Him above all else. Just a thought. ;)
-Melis
May Christ be the center of You. May He be seen and pursued by You... Him above all else. Just a thought. ;)
-Melis
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
To Belong...
Maybe my next few blogs will be titled "To (something)" because I just feel like it! For those of you who read my blog on a regular basis, you know well that I enjoy lists maybe too much... I had almost forgotten (I know you're wondering how I could forget!) and then I journaled the other day and I was so excited to make a list about what was going on in my life... I know that I'm completely OCD and out of control, two of my favorite characteristics about myself (if I can say that without being arrogant). I'm also maybe too okay with both of those things... however, I'll carry on with my blog, for your sake of course :)
This past weekend, I traveled to Kimberley, South Africa to visit Wagener and Jane and just hang out with them for the weekend. I had no idea I would meet so many other wonderful people as well! I'll give you a very brief history of how I know he two of them! I met Wagener three years ago in Zambia at the pastor's conference (the first time I came to Africa and before I realized how much my heart would love it!)... he was at the conference again last summer and so we have just kept in touch since. Jane and Wagener are co-workers and are both architects. Wagener's dad had written a Bible study that we began in the fall having kind of a cross-cultural/cross-planet cell group (online) and Jane was also a part of it (as well as Vanessa--aka my BFF in Vegas) so we just talked quite a bit and I hadn't actually met Jane until this past weekend, but she is completely wonderful and it was great to spend time with her.
I took a 7 hour bus trip to Kimberley, which ended up being more like 9, but either way... it was late. Thank you African transportation for that. When I got to Kimberley, I felt like I had been ran over by the bus as well, but that is beside the point. Wagener and Jane picked me up at the stop and took me back to the house to have some tea (if you are American, you have no idea how valuable this time is to them... and I'm being completely serious) and then we went to Jane's house for dinner with her family. I met her parents, both of her brothers, enjoyed a fabulous dinner, and had some great conversation with her family. I really felt like they had invited a close friend over... it was so great and her family was more than kind. On Saturday, we went to see "The Big Hole," the main tourist attraction of Kimberley. It began as a diamond mining town and so the big hole is the place where they literally made a giant hole (completely by hand) to search for diamonds. It was pretty cool, I have to admit... I was impressed with the enormity of this thing! Crazy! Frances, one of their friends, also joined us and we just took some fun pictures and chatted... what a complete sweetheart she was as well! We had lunch, talked, looked through the mall and just had a relaxing afternoon, which was really nice! Later that night, Wagener hosted a braii (South African barbeque or cookout) and had some friends over to play games and eat dinner. Sunday was full of meeting more of their friends and also seeing some of the places where they do minstry there in Kimberley. It was so good for me to meet these people earlier in the weekend and then see them in action in the things they love... they fed a group of homeless guys breakfast and coffee and shared the gospel and then I also got to see a church that has begun (mostly for kids) in an "informal settlement" right outside of Kimberley. They also have some initiatives and dreams and visions that have not started yet but they are all dreams simply because they trust Jesus and I just loved that!
All of that to say this.... to belong in a place and to feel that you belong is incredibly important. There were very, very few moments this past weekend when I felt out of place (and it was normally because I overanalyzed something or I was being ridiculous!). Otherwise, it was like I was a friend that they had known for a while and cared about. I think that this group of people represents an incredible picture of the church and of what community is about. Whether I was from Kimberley, or even from South Africa for that matter, seemed to make no difference to any of these people... it was the fact that we all had one thing in common... Jesus being the center of our lives and what we do. At the core of every conversation, every tea break, everything was Jesus. It didn't mean that they stood at the corner and preached a message everywhere or wore Jesus t-shirts... they just live out what they believe and they do it together, in a place where people can belong.
My question for myself was... where do I live this out? or rather, do I live this out at all? If people joined in with my group of friends, would they see that? Do people see that community in your life? This past weekend had some big moments for me and they were all centered around what God wants for me... that is the very best. I pray that you find your place "to belong" and may you be completely surrounded with people that love you and more importantly love Jesus with their entire being! Have a great week! -Melis
This past weekend, I traveled to Kimberley, South Africa to visit Wagener and Jane and just hang out with them for the weekend. I had no idea I would meet so many other wonderful people as well! I'll give you a very brief history of how I know he two of them! I met Wagener three years ago in Zambia at the pastor's conference (the first time I came to Africa and before I realized how much my heart would love it!)... he was at the conference again last summer and so we have just kept in touch since. Jane and Wagener are co-workers and are both architects. Wagener's dad had written a Bible study that we began in the fall having kind of a cross-cultural/cross-planet cell group (online) and Jane was also a part of it (as well as Vanessa--aka my BFF in Vegas) so we just talked quite a bit and I hadn't actually met Jane until this past weekend, but she is completely wonderful and it was great to spend time with her.
I took a 7 hour bus trip to Kimberley, which ended up being more like 9, but either way... it was late. Thank you African transportation for that. When I got to Kimberley, I felt like I had been ran over by the bus as well, but that is beside the point. Wagener and Jane picked me up at the stop and took me back to the house to have some tea (if you are American, you have no idea how valuable this time is to them... and I'm being completely serious) and then we went to Jane's house for dinner with her family. I met her parents, both of her brothers, enjoyed a fabulous dinner, and had some great conversation with her family. I really felt like they had invited a close friend over... it was so great and her family was more than kind. On Saturday, we went to see "The Big Hole," the main tourist attraction of Kimberley. It began as a diamond mining town and so the big hole is the place where they literally made a giant hole (completely by hand) to search for diamonds. It was pretty cool, I have to admit... I was impressed with the enormity of this thing! Crazy! Frances, one of their friends, also joined us and we just took some fun pictures and chatted... what a complete sweetheart she was as well! We had lunch, talked, looked through the mall and just had a relaxing afternoon, which was really nice! Later that night, Wagener hosted a braii (South African barbeque or cookout) and had some friends over to play games and eat dinner. Sunday was full of meeting more of their friends and also seeing some of the places where they do minstry there in Kimberley. It was so good for me to meet these people earlier in the weekend and then see them in action in the things they love... they fed a group of homeless guys breakfast and coffee and shared the gospel and then I also got to see a church that has begun (mostly for kids) in an "informal settlement" right outside of Kimberley. They also have some initiatives and dreams and visions that have not started yet but they are all dreams simply because they trust Jesus and I just loved that!
All of that to say this.... to belong in a place and to feel that you belong is incredibly important. There were very, very few moments this past weekend when I felt out of place (and it was normally because I overanalyzed something or I was being ridiculous!). Otherwise, it was like I was a friend that they had known for a while and cared about. I think that this group of people represents an incredible picture of the church and of what community is about. Whether I was from Kimberley, or even from South Africa for that matter, seemed to make no difference to any of these people... it was the fact that we all had one thing in common... Jesus being the center of our lives and what we do. At the core of every conversation, every tea break, everything was Jesus. It didn't mean that they stood at the corner and preached a message everywhere or wore Jesus t-shirts... they just live out what they believe and they do it together, in a place where people can belong.
My question for myself was... where do I live this out? or rather, do I live this out at all? If people joined in with my group of friends, would they see that? Do people see that community in your life? This past weekend had some big moments for me and they were all centered around what God wants for me... that is the very best. I pray that you find your place "to belong" and may you be completely surrounded with people that love you and more importantly love Jesus with their entire being! Have a great week! -Melis
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Confident?
"Have no fear of sudden disaster or of the ruin that overtakes the wicked, for the Lord will be your confidence and will keep your foot from being snared." -Proverbs 3:25-26
Last night, I was tired and then I wasn't tired... I felt amazing, I felt horrible... it was just one of those things that just happens to me often. I am pretty easy-going (most of the time) and am not usually high maintenance (again, most of the time)... or maybe I say "most of the time" because I know who I am in front of people and how easy it is to pretend to be someone else that I'm actually not. (That was just a sidenote.) Anyways... when I have moments like this... I think a little too much about EVERYTHING. As in... I overanalyze EVERYTHING... so I was thinking about what I'm doing this weekend and what I know and what I don't know and I just think it to pieces... oh yeah... and I forgot to mention that Bank of America decided to deactivate my debit card.. that made me freak out a little... and I could go on and on of things that I overthink but I won't bore you to death (maybe just partially). So I'm laying there, freezing FYI, its a million below zero here at night, or it feels like it.... thinking and thinking and God just said to me, "How about you act a little more ridiculous and overdramatic?" And then, I thought, "Thanks for the invitation! At least I know we're on the same page! :) " (That smiley face is there to indicate that I smiled at God when I thought that, just so you know.) But really, I just told myself... stop being so crazy and actually open your Bible and read there.... a much better place to start than typing smiley faces at God, right?
I'm reading through the Old Testament and am just beginning 2 Kings and am continually shocked at the things that happened to people in the Old Testament... boys are walking down the road, they mock and make fun of a prophet and he calls down a curse and bears come out of the forest and maul them... really? Just catches you a little off guard, even if you've read it before! So that obviously made me pray against wild animals and their attacks but it didn't really speak to the matter of my heart... except it did remind me that God is so in control of all things! What a wild story to remind me of that, right? I have had Psalm 67 on my heart this week so I read that and 66 as well... that's good stuff and then just kept feeling like I needed to read Proverbs 4... I know that I need to guard my heart and I just need to read it again to remind myself. I read that and then went backwards (I know that absolutely makes no sense... but then again, a lot of my thought processes don't.). I read Proverbs 3 and just stopped at the verses that I've printed above. God will be confidence? My security? My protector and shield? That's the promise I read there! I am insecure, sometimes so much so, that I am literally falling apart at the seams and I have hope! God will be my confidence! I don't have to worry about all of these small things because God loves the details of my life and is in control. I don't have to worry about the big things because God is taking care of and loving all the people on the planet and He still takes time to speak clearly to me! This was good news... a God of hope, love, and peace. I needed that. Maybe you need that?
May you rest in the fact that God is so in control... He loves the small and big things in your life... and He loves you enough to be your confidence and security. May you sleep well in that, may you walk well in that, and really, may you love well in that. Praying for the way that God is speaking to you!
"Dear friend, guard Clear Thinking and Common Sense with your life; don't for a minute lose sight of them. They'll keep your soul alive and well... No need to panic over life's alarms or surprises, or predictions that doomsday's around the corner, Because God will be right there with you; he'll keep you safe and sound." -Proverbs 3:21, 25-26 (The Message paraphrase)
Confident that He is it! -Melis
Last night, I was tired and then I wasn't tired... I felt amazing, I felt horrible... it was just one of those things that just happens to me often. I am pretty easy-going (most of the time) and am not usually high maintenance (again, most of the time)... or maybe I say "most of the time" because I know who I am in front of people and how easy it is to pretend to be someone else that I'm actually not. (That was just a sidenote.) Anyways... when I have moments like this... I think a little too much about EVERYTHING. As in... I overanalyze EVERYTHING... so I was thinking about what I'm doing this weekend and what I know and what I don't know and I just think it to pieces... oh yeah... and I forgot to mention that Bank of America decided to deactivate my debit card.. that made me freak out a little... and I could go on and on of things that I overthink but I won't bore you to death (maybe just partially). So I'm laying there, freezing FYI, its a million below zero here at night, or it feels like it.... thinking and thinking and God just said to me, "How about you act a little more ridiculous and overdramatic?" And then, I thought, "Thanks for the invitation! At least I know we're on the same page! :) " (That smiley face is there to indicate that I smiled at God when I thought that, just so you know.) But really, I just told myself... stop being so crazy and actually open your Bible and read there.... a much better place to start than typing smiley faces at God, right?
I'm reading through the Old Testament and am just beginning 2 Kings and am continually shocked at the things that happened to people in the Old Testament... boys are walking down the road, they mock and make fun of a prophet and he calls down a curse and bears come out of the forest and maul them... really? Just catches you a little off guard, even if you've read it before! So that obviously made me pray against wild animals and their attacks but it didn't really speak to the matter of my heart... except it did remind me that God is so in control of all things! What a wild story to remind me of that, right? I have had Psalm 67 on my heart this week so I read that and 66 as well... that's good stuff and then just kept feeling like I needed to read Proverbs 4... I know that I need to guard my heart and I just need to read it again to remind myself. I read that and then went backwards (I know that absolutely makes no sense... but then again, a lot of my thought processes don't.). I read Proverbs 3 and just stopped at the verses that I've printed above. God will be confidence? My security? My protector and shield? That's the promise I read there! I am insecure, sometimes so much so, that I am literally falling apart at the seams and I have hope! God will be my confidence! I don't have to worry about all of these small things because God loves the details of my life and is in control. I don't have to worry about the big things because God is taking care of and loving all the people on the planet and He still takes time to speak clearly to me! This was good news... a God of hope, love, and peace. I needed that. Maybe you need that?
May you rest in the fact that God is so in control... He loves the small and big things in your life... and He loves you enough to be your confidence and security. May you sleep well in that, may you walk well in that, and really, may you love well in that. Praying for the way that God is speaking to you!
"Dear friend, guard Clear Thinking and Common Sense with your life; don't for a minute lose sight of them. They'll keep your soul alive and well... No need to panic over life's alarms or surprises, or predictions that doomsday's around the corner, Because God will be right there with you; he'll keep you safe and sound." -Proverbs 3:21, 25-26 (The Message paraphrase)
Confident that He is it! -Melis
Friday, July 1, 2011
To Being Domestic... (and maintaining my American identity at the same time)
(apologies for the long title... I just became a little crazy with it)
Today, I had the simple pleasure of going to the mall all by myself. I went to the grocery store with Suria to get some groceries and then she graciously took them back to the flat and dropped me off at the mall. I have to admit that at first I was like oh great, crazy American girl by herself in another country and then, of course, I came to my senses and realized that it was fine... I'm in South Africa for Heaven's sake, not the middle of a desert where there's a random mall being guarded by people wearing little clothing and holding guns. I'm fine... right in the middle of quite Western civilization in Pretoria. So anyways... I went to the mall, hoping to find a few small pieces of clothing to realize that when things are made in their own country and are not imported, they do cost a bit more and I just thought about my $4 shirts on clearance at Old Navy or Target and I couldn't even talk myself into buying a $32 jacket (this is awful, I know-- because most of my clothes are imported and I'm just hoping that there is some secret fair trade law that the people that made my cheap clothing really do make fair wages and work decent hours a day).
I went into several stores and mindlessly converted rand into US dollars and thought about how much I would spend... clothes just seemed expensive here. Needless to say, I didn't buy any. I bought food. Unfortunately, they don't have all of these easy, frozen meals that I normally buy for $2 in the states so I have to actually make things while I'm here if I have any hope of eating anything besides cereal, fruit, and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. (I'm talking about supper/dinner here... Suria cooks lunch and I eat with them which is SO fantastic.) I would like to say I'm becoming domestic. My friend, Wagener, who lives here in South Africa was telling me the other day that I am a "modern woman" because I don't cook very much and I'm not usually that great at it! I just eat ready-made meals and cereal... it's kind of ridiculous I know. So all that to say that Suria told me about this place at the end of the mall that is a large fruit and vegetable store... she didn't tell me how many other things they had! She also didn't tell me that the name of the place is "Food Lover's Market." Umm...hello. She has no idea how much I love food. If you look at this place from the inside of the mall, you think that it is only a fruit and vegetable store until you start to look for the cash register... then you have to walk through flowers, wines, the bakery, a gelato place, a market fresh lunch place, sushi trays, and so much more... I was a little overwhelmed to say the least! They had giant cookies... thank you Jesus and all these cupcakes and yes, I do plan on going back there! Oh yeah... I did buy some fruits and vegetables so that I can actually cook in the next couple of weeks. Ha. Forgot to mention that... and THEY were super cheap which I'm a fan of. And I bought two cookies that I'm savoring every bite of, even though they're a little hard.... and I bought a coke (thank you for sugar and caffeine that is not tea or coffee).... and last, but not least, I ended my rendevous of a morning by once again, remembering my American identity and stopping at Seattle's Best Coffee (I thought it was weird too) and having an iced chai. Yes, and amen.
And that my friends, is what I call an American domestic at her best :) Have a good day! -Melis
Today, I had the simple pleasure of going to the mall all by myself. I went to the grocery store with Suria to get some groceries and then she graciously took them back to the flat and dropped me off at the mall. I have to admit that at first I was like oh great, crazy American girl by herself in another country and then, of course, I came to my senses and realized that it was fine... I'm in South Africa for Heaven's sake, not the middle of a desert where there's a random mall being guarded by people wearing little clothing and holding guns. I'm fine... right in the middle of quite Western civilization in Pretoria. So anyways... I went to the mall, hoping to find a few small pieces of clothing to realize that when things are made in their own country and are not imported, they do cost a bit more and I just thought about my $4 shirts on clearance at Old Navy or Target and I couldn't even talk myself into buying a $32 jacket (this is awful, I know-- because most of my clothes are imported and I'm just hoping that there is some secret fair trade law that the people that made my cheap clothing really do make fair wages and work decent hours a day).
I went into several stores and mindlessly converted rand into US dollars and thought about how much I would spend... clothes just seemed expensive here. Needless to say, I didn't buy any. I bought food. Unfortunately, they don't have all of these easy, frozen meals that I normally buy for $2 in the states so I have to actually make things while I'm here if I have any hope of eating anything besides cereal, fruit, and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. (I'm talking about supper/dinner here... Suria cooks lunch and I eat with them which is SO fantastic.) I would like to say I'm becoming domestic. My friend, Wagener, who lives here in South Africa was telling me the other day that I am a "modern woman" because I don't cook very much and I'm not usually that great at it! I just eat ready-made meals and cereal... it's kind of ridiculous I know. So all that to say that Suria told me about this place at the end of the mall that is a large fruit and vegetable store... she didn't tell me how many other things they had! She also didn't tell me that the name of the place is "Food Lover's Market." Umm...hello. She has no idea how much I love food. If you look at this place from the inside of the mall, you think that it is only a fruit and vegetable store until you start to look for the cash register... then you have to walk through flowers, wines, the bakery, a gelato place, a market fresh lunch place, sushi trays, and so much more... I was a little overwhelmed to say the least! They had giant cookies... thank you Jesus and all these cupcakes and yes, I do plan on going back there! Oh yeah... I did buy some fruits and vegetables so that I can actually cook in the next couple of weeks. Ha. Forgot to mention that... and THEY were super cheap which I'm a fan of. And I bought two cookies that I'm savoring every bite of, even though they're a little hard.... and I bought a coke (thank you for sugar and caffeine that is not tea or coffee).... and last, but not least, I ended my rendevous of a morning by once again, remembering my American identity and stopping at Seattle's Best Coffee (I thought it was weird too) and having an iced chai. Yes, and amen.
And that my friends, is what I call an American domestic at her best :) Have a good day! -Melis
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Quick Thoughts on Mom's
Thought I would write a quick tribute to Mom's today because it is my mom's birthday! Although I'm not in the states at the moment, I have thought a lot this past week about how important Mom's everywhere really are! Maybe this is because I had the chance to exercise my ability (?) to be a mom this past weekend with the girls while their parents were out of town. I know that they have an incredibly loving mom and I can't imagine ever trying to fill her shoes!
My Mom has meant a lot to over the past few years moreso maybe because I realized just how big of a responsibility she has had. She truly has been a person who prays for me daily, wonders how I am and wants my best. I know that I can call and complain to her and gripe for an hour straight and she will still see what my best interest is in the situation. She is quick to remind me that things are for a greater purpose and that I'm not always the center of that! She is probably my biggest cheerleader and my number one go to (here on Earth obviously ;) ). I'm on another continent and am so thankful that back at my home and in the place where I grew up that there is a lady, my Mom, who is pursuing Jesus for me, her daughter, and praying for my best and wanting my best in the future, today, and always.
I hope that you have a Mom and a set of people behind you who encourage you today!
Happy Birthday Mom! Love you lots! -Melissa
My Mom has meant a lot to over the past few years moreso maybe because I realized just how big of a responsibility she has had. She truly has been a person who prays for me daily, wonders how I am and wants my best. I know that I can call and complain to her and gripe for an hour straight and she will still see what my best interest is in the situation. She is quick to remind me that things are for a greater purpose and that I'm not always the center of that! She is probably my biggest cheerleader and my number one go to (here on Earth obviously ;) ). I'm on another continent and am so thankful that back at my home and in the place where I grew up that there is a lady, my Mom, who is pursuing Jesus for me, her daughter, and praying for my best and wanting my best in the future, today, and always.
I hope that you have a Mom and a set of people behind you who encourage you today!
Happy Birthday Mom! Love you lots! -Melissa
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Facelift Time
I felt like my life is receiving a sort of facelift so maybe my blog needed one too :) In all seriousness, I feel like the new look and everything has come at just the right time. God is literally doing a brand new thing in my life and I am a nervous wreck and completely thrilled at the same time. So I feel like my blog actually fits me now... maybe the bird on my last template was a sample of me running (or flying-- same difference) from something, rather than the freedom I had hoped it would encourage. I could say that this weekend has been somewhat crazy for me and not making any sense but then I might just add that to the last year of my life. I feel like life has kinda turned upside down in a lot of ways. The last group of kids I had at school was so heartbreaking for me. I turned 26 which means that I am past a quarter of a century and I embarked on my second 6-7 week Africa trip... so praying about that while I'm here. What I have also realized over the last 6 months is that maybe I'm not as self aware as I had hoped. I'm sure I've talked about this before here before in one way or another. I've had even more realizations over the last week in reading this book called Every Thought Captive. I think the book was probably written for someone a little younger than me but either way, it totally applies to anyone at almost any stage.
At the end of every chapter, there are questions and so I have been journaling my thoughts on some of those questions. Part of taking captive thoughts is getting rid of the lies of Satan and dwelling on the Truth of Jesus so that's what I've been doing. The other day I wrote down this statement and I realized that it was actually profound for me in my recent thought processes. I wrote: "For me to find myself in Christ means to look to him first and long for Him most." Whoa for me there... in the midst of some of my confusion, God restores my ability to see Him more than anyone and anything else. I've spent some time over the last few months trying to figure out who I am and what my purpose is... and just not fully doing that in Jesus, which is exactly where I need to find it most. I see and understand more now than maybe ever before that my identity can never be wrapped up in me but Him first. Me being in Africa makes no difference, Him being in me and my longing and pursuit of Him in Africa makes all the difference. The same applies to my family, relationships, work, kids and everything. I can want to see change and do everything I can to get there but it will make no difference if Jesus is not in me and He doesn't make a change. I have got to realize that. You have got to realize that you alone do not make a difference. Your pursuit of Jesus, and more importantly His pursuit of you grants you an authority that you would not have otherwise.
May you seek to find all your identity in Him alone. May He make the difference in you.
Love you... Melis
At the end of every chapter, there are questions and so I have been journaling my thoughts on some of those questions. Part of taking captive thoughts is getting rid of the lies of Satan and dwelling on the Truth of Jesus so that's what I've been doing. The other day I wrote down this statement and I realized that it was actually profound for me in my recent thought processes. I wrote: "For me to find myself in Christ means to look to him first and long for Him most." Whoa for me there... in the midst of some of my confusion, God restores my ability to see Him more than anyone and anything else. I've spent some time over the last few months trying to figure out who I am and what my purpose is... and just not fully doing that in Jesus, which is exactly where I need to find it most. I see and understand more now than maybe ever before that my identity can never be wrapped up in me but Him first. Me being in Africa makes no difference, Him being in me and my longing and pursuit of Him in Africa makes all the difference. The same applies to my family, relationships, work, kids and everything. I can want to see change and do everything I can to get there but it will make no difference if Jesus is not in me and He doesn't make a change. I have got to realize that. You have got to realize that you alone do not make a difference. Your pursuit of Jesus, and more importantly His pursuit of you grants you an authority that you would not have otherwise.
May you seek to find all your identity in Him alone. May He make the difference in you.
Love you... Melis
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Giving and Living Generously.
Living in Africa is always interesting and you know what else is interesting? Teaching 2 girls who grew up primarily in Zambia and placing them in the city with a big back yard and moreso a big imagination. I'm sure that I am completely crazy, but felt that my family may think that I'm even crazier because after reading a few chapters of a book, Little Britches, which is about a farming ranch in the early west, the girls decided they should tie one another up with a rope. Yep, that's what happening here. I have had some very funny moments with them and I'm learning a lot about myself, as well as them which is good.
Today, I was personally challenged and didn't even mention it to them but I will share it with you. If you read my last blog post, you know that Coen and Suria are so incredibly generous and giving. After having the other American girl stay here, they told story upon story of times they had opened up their homes to people and also about people who would look for their house because they knew that they would find refuge nowhere else. This morning, the girls and I were in the middle of a break from school when one of them had ran outside. She ran back in and told me that there was a man who was asking for food at the gate. Her mom was in a meeting and her dad was on the phone but it became a very urgent issue. She and one of the other sisters ran outside to ask Suria what they should do. By this time, the man was literally digging through their garbage in the front that had not been picked up yet. I watched as Chara and Toto (Rachel) ran out to ask Suria what should be done. It became more urgent as the girls received an answer and ran back to the house and into the kitchen. Chara said, "Mum said give him as much as we can... a lot." They grabbed fruit, bread, canned meat and milk and even a couple of other things and placed them in bags to take out to them.
You may be thinking, what's the big deal? That is a small amount of food and you would be right. It's not very much... to think of how much I sometimes eat in America sickens me at the moment because I am never that hungry, I just eat to eat and that is actually an embarrassing thought for me now. And you would also be right in saying that it's not a big deal that they gave the man food... people do that kind of stuff all the time all over the planet. What really stuck out to me though was the attitude in which it was done... it was urgent, required, and needed. It was also normal. The kids here have been taught that it is what you do as a part of this household. I'm blessed to be able to be here.
So I challenge you to not just think about what you do but more of the attitude in which you do it. That means way more than what you did. It's like the saying that I tell my 8th graders all the time, "If you don't have anything nice to say, then don't say anything at all." I would say to you if you can't do something with the right heart attitude and motivation, then just don't do it. Harsh maybe yes, but truth is better and good :)
May your attitude and heart reflect that of Christ Jesus and may that change your actions into nothing less than glorifying your Father in Heaven.
I'm praying that I'm living there... Melis
Today, I was personally challenged and didn't even mention it to them but I will share it with you. If you read my last blog post, you know that Coen and Suria are so incredibly generous and giving. After having the other American girl stay here, they told story upon story of times they had opened up their homes to people and also about people who would look for their house because they knew that they would find refuge nowhere else. This morning, the girls and I were in the middle of a break from school when one of them had ran outside. She ran back in and told me that there was a man who was asking for food at the gate. Her mom was in a meeting and her dad was on the phone but it became a very urgent issue. She and one of the other sisters ran outside to ask Suria what they should do. By this time, the man was literally digging through their garbage in the front that had not been picked up yet. I watched as Chara and Toto (Rachel) ran out to ask Suria what should be done. It became more urgent as the girls received an answer and ran back to the house and into the kitchen. Chara said, "Mum said give him as much as we can... a lot." They grabbed fruit, bread, canned meat and milk and even a couple of other things and placed them in bags to take out to them.
You may be thinking, what's the big deal? That is a small amount of food and you would be right. It's not very much... to think of how much I sometimes eat in America sickens me at the moment because I am never that hungry, I just eat to eat and that is actually an embarrassing thought for me now. And you would also be right in saying that it's not a big deal that they gave the man food... people do that kind of stuff all the time all over the planet. What really stuck out to me though was the attitude in which it was done... it was urgent, required, and needed. It was also normal. The kids here have been taught that it is what you do as a part of this household. I'm blessed to be able to be here.
So I challenge you to not just think about what you do but more of the attitude in which you do it. That means way more than what you did. It's like the saying that I tell my 8th graders all the time, "If you don't have anything nice to say, then don't say anything at all." I would say to you if you can't do something with the right heart attitude and motivation, then just don't do it. Harsh maybe yes, but truth is better and good :)
May your attitude and heart reflect that of Christ Jesus and may that change your actions into nothing less than glorifying your Father in Heaven.
I'm praying that I'm living there... Melis
Saturday, June 18, 2011
Beginnings of an African Adventure
Hope all is well wherever this may find you! It is safe to say that I made it to the continent of Africa in one piece, very exhausted yes, but well. There are so many stories already that I could tell about God's sweet, loving faithfulness to me but I will tell you just a few. It is a crazy thing to be honest enough to say that I have had some really rough patches and moments in life and God sincerely brings me through each and everyone with enough courage to help someone on the other side.
While flying from Vegas to D.C., I found myself begging God to show me evidence even then that He wanted me in Africa. I already had my yes on the table and I was completely willing but still somewhat fearful that I could somehow miss something else that He actually wanted for me. However, He always sees fit to take care of me in every small detail. I prayed and prayed that there would just be mission teams on the plane on the way to Ethiopia from D.C. I didn't even ask for a conversation, I just asked for there to be proof that God is alive and at work all over the world. When I arrived in D.C., I didn't have a boarding pass to get to Addis Ababa, Ethiopia and so I went to the desk to ask and as I walked away, I saw an entire group of women wearing shirts with the continent of Africa (anyone who has ever been on a church trip knows that at some point, there will always be matching outfits or t-shirts and so this was a clear sign ;) ). I walked over and just asked where they were from and what they were doing-- missions, yep, thank you Jesus for your evidence. I almost started crying when I saw them and realized how good God is to me in every single thing I ask. After I got myself settled there, I was charging my phone when another lady, Vicki, who was part of another team going to Uganda came over. She was a sweet mom, with a 16 year old daughter also going on the trip. We talked about different places we had traveled, differences between places and how God really is at work all over the world. I met her daughter, Lizzie, after that for just a moment and then they sat with their team. Later on, Lizzie came back over and we talked about her going to college after she finishes her last year of high school and what missions could look like for her. I was thrilled to share my heart for Africa and people to love Jesus with Lizzie and was so compelled by her passion to see change in the world.
Anyways, I know I am sharing so much detail but feel that I must especially because I am able to easily communicate now.... I board the plane to Ethiopia and we leave DC about 45 minutes to an hour late. There was very little time between when I landed in Addis and when I left for Johannesburg but I felt sure I would make the flight. The closer that we got to Ethiopia, the more I realized that I was probably going to miss my flight and I was already thinking of a million worst case scenarios about what could happen because of it. Little did I know that by the time I had left the plane, a worker from Ethiopian Airlines was waiting for me because they had already booked me onto Johannesburg (going through Nairobi, Kenya mind you--the homeland because this is my name and all-- haha). However, there was another girl, Leah, who was going to miss her flight to Jo'burg which would also set her back from getting to Botswana to see her brother and sister-in-law. I am standing there witnessing this sweet American girl be told that she can stay in Addis overnight and they will cover her hotel expenses and everything and tears from her eyes... I flashed back to 2 years ago that this same thing happened to me in the UAE and I was stuck there for 24 hours waiting for a flight out (another story for another time if you do not already know this). God spoke so clearly and said tell her to go to Jo'burg with you and she can stay there for the night and fly out of Jo'burg tomorrow to be with her brother. I said those words out loud and it was a clear calm. This was a much better solution than going into a city unprepared alone. I called Suria to confirm that she did not mind and she, of course, was fine with it. They picked us up from the airport that night and Coen was able to take Leah to the airport on Friday for her to go on to Gaborone. In that time, we were all able to share just through the overflow of our lives what God has been doing and what has caused us to walk away, as well as walk toward Jesus. It was interesting to spend time with her in the airport, on the plane, and back at Coen and Suria's house for her to just sit back and relax and us to just chat. I think it was beneficial for all of us. Who knew that I would have to take a 35 hour trip to get to Africa for that?? Yet, so worth it... and some good moments at the beginning of my trip.
I will try to make this as short and sweet as possible but I do want to share just another moment I had with Jesus on the way over. A lot of you reading this know that I have an incredible passion for genocide and the causes of it, as well as the effects (I continue to wonder how this will play out for me) and so flying over the Sudan is like a hidden treasure for me. We had approached Europe and the Mediterranean at night and began toward the continent of Africa as the sun was rising. I don't know if you have ever seen the deserts of Egypt and Sudan as the sun is rising but it is truly incredible.... so much so that I'm sure that my mouth was wide open the entire time as I stared across the vastness of it all. As I watched the colors change, I was reminded of a clip of Beth Moore that I have recently been listening to. She describes the sun setting over her subdivision on the way home from a conference and how much love she had for Jesus in those moments. In her message, she shares that she just begs of God, "Why do you love me so much? Why?" In her moments of realization, she understood that God is and was love, that He is the creator of love but that more than anything, He is the epitome and description of all that love could every imply. As she watched the sunset over her subdivision, she felt that God was just teaching her to just love Him too... He already loved her, she needed to love Him too. In the moments I watched the sun rise over the desert of Africa, there was so much love that God poured into me and all I felt my response could be was, "I love you too." What a faithful Jesus I serve.
I am praying that your heart may be overwhelmed with God's love for you in every small and slight detail, and in every big picture. May you see Him, hear His voice, and follow Him every step of the way. Thank you so much for your prayers for me. I am looking forward to sharing Africa with you soon. Love you all.
-Melis
While flying from Vegas to D.C., I found myself begging God to show me evidence even then that He wanted me in Africa. I already had my yes on the table and I was completely willing but still somewhat fearful that I could somehow miss something else that He actually wanted for me. However, He always sees fit to take care of me in every small detail. I prayed and prayed that there would just be mission teams on the plane on the way to Ethiopia from D.C. I didn't even ask for a conversation, I just asked for there to be proof that God is alive and at work all over the world. When I arrived in D.C., I didn't have a boarding pass to get to Addis Ababa, Ethiopia and so I went to the desk to ask and as I walked away, I saw an entire group of women wearing shirts with the continent of Africa (anyone who has ever been on a church trip knows that at some point, there will always be matching outfits or t-shirts and so this was a clear sign ;) ). I walked over and just asked where they were from and what they were doing-- missions, yep, thank you Jesus for your evidence. I almost started crying when I saw them and realized how good God is to me in every single thing I ask. After I got myself settled there, I was charging my phone when another lady, Vicki, who was part of another team going to Uganda came over. She was a sweet mom, with a 16 year old daughter also going on the trip. We talked about different places we had traveled, differences between places and how God really is at work all over the world. I met her daughter, Lizzie, after that for just a moment and then they sat with their team. Later on, Lizzie came back over and we talked about her going to college after she finishes her last year of high school and what missions could look like for her. I was thrilled to share my heart for Africa and people to love Jesus with Lizzie and was so compelled by her passion to see change in the world.
Anyways, I know I am sharing so much detail but feel that I must especially because I am able to easily communicate now.... I board the plane to Ethiopia and we leave DC about 45 minutes to an hour late. There was very little time between when I landed in Addis and when I left for Johannesburg but I felt sure I would make the flight. The closer that we got to Ethiopia, the more I realized that I was probably going to miss my flight and I was already thinking of a million worst case scenarios about what could happen because of it. Little did I know that by the time I had left the plane, a worker from Ethiopian Airlines was waiting for me because they had already booked me onto Johannesburg (going through Nairobi, Kenya mind you--the homeland because this is my name and all-- haha). However, there was another girl, Leah, who was going to miss her flight to Jo'burg which would also set her back from getting to Botswana to see her brother and sister-in-law. I am standing there witnessing this sweet American girl be told that she can stay in Addis overnight and they will cover her hotel expenses and everything and tears from her eyes... I flashed back to 2 years ago that this same thing happened to me in the UAE and I was stuck there for 24 hours waiting for a flight out (another story for another time if you do not already know this). God spoke so clearly and said tell her to go to Jo'burg with you and she can stay there for the night and fly out of Jo'burg tomorrow to be with her brother. I said those words out loud and it was a clear calm. This was a much better solution than going into a city unprepared alone. I called Suria to confirm that she did not mind and she, of course, was fine with it. They picked us up from the airport that night and Coen was able to take Leah to the airport on Friday for her to go on to Gaborone. In that time, we were all able to share just through the overflow of our lives what God has been doing and what has caused us to walk away, as well as walk toward Jesus. It was interesting to spend time with her in the airport, on the plane, and back at Coen and Suria's house for her to just sit back and relax and us to just chat. I think it was beneficial for all of us. Who knew that I would have to take a 35 hour trip to get to Africa for that?? Yet, so worth it... and some good moments at the beginning of my trip.
I will try to make this as short and sweet as possible but I do want to share just another moment I had with Jesus on the way over. A lot of you reading this know that I have an incredible passion for genocide and the causes of it, as well as the effects (I continue to wonder how this will play out for me) and so flying over the Sudan is like a hidden treasure for me. We had approached Europe and the Mediterranean at night and began toward the continent of Africa as the sun was rising. I don't know if you have ever seen the deserts of Egypt and Sudan as the sun is rising but it is truly incredible.... so much so that I'm sure that my mouth was wide open the entire time as I stared across the vastness of it all. As I watched the colors change, I was reminded of a clip of Beth Moore that I have recently been listening to. She describes the sun setting over her subdivision on the way home from a conference and how much love she had for Jesus in those moments. In her message, she shares that she just begs of God, "Why do you love me so much? Why?" In her moments of realization, she understood that God is and was love, that He is the creator of love but that more than anything, He is the epitome and description of all that love could every imply. As she watched the sunset over her subdivision, she felt that God was just teaching her to just love Him too... He already loved her, she needed to love Him too. In the moments I watched the sun rise over the desert of Africa, there was so much love that God poured into me and all I felt my response could be was, "I love you too." What a faithful Jesus I serve.
I am praying that your heart may be overwhelmed with God's love for you in every small and slight detail, and in every big picture. May you see Him, hear His voice, and follow Him every step of the way. Thank you so much for your prayers for me. I am looking forward to sharing Africa with you soon. Love you all.
-Melis
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
"Eat. Pray. Love." Addiction
I was just standing in my bathroom thinking to myself (and actually not aloud which will surprise you if you know me at all) about Liz. Before you call me crazy because I think about characters (who happen to be real this time around) from the book I’m reading in my spare time, consider what I’m saying here. I was pondering (because that sounds like it has more depth than just thinking which could be a good change for me) a comment that Elizabeth Gilbert makes about David in her book. David is the guy that she falls unabashedly into the arms of right after she declares that she wants/needs a divorce from her husband. There is nothing about this story that I can truly identify with. I have not gone through a divorce. For Heaven’s sake, I have not even been married…. And that would lead me to saying that I also have not fallen crazy in love with someone in the process of getting divorced because neither a marriage nor a divorce has taken place in my life. In her writing and talk of David, she boldly makes this statement, “The fact is, I had become addicted to David… and now that his attention was wavering, I was suffering the easily foreseeable consequences. Addiction is the hallmark of every infatuation-based love story.” (p. 20) Addicted to a guy? Is that possible? How shallow do you have to be to be addicted to a guy? Do you have to be shallow at all? Is it actually something that happens to everyone at some point? More importantly, because this blog is about me (and I am currently feeling a little shallow and possibly a little arrogant)… have I been addicted to a guy? (and because I am quite dramatic, it would be more like “HAVE I (me, myself, I) EVER, EVER, ever in my entire life possibly EVER been addicted to a guy?!!??)
What if I just ended the blog there? I laugh as I type that because I would actually tell a person who would make a choice similar that I may end up punching them. (On that note, I have to say that Michelle from last season of the ABC show “The Bachelor,” featuring Brad Womack as the bachelor, actually was hilarious for me because she commonly made statements like this.) I think the answer is I am addictive. I have more than likely been addicted to a guy in my life, more than likely more than one. I actually have quite an addictive personality. I will insert a list here of things that I am currently addicted to:
Love of people, things, Jesus
Pei Wei Honey Seared Chicken and Crab Wontons
Panera Caesar salads
Chai Tea (not homemade though, I cannot figure out this homemade crap)
Books (mostly memoirs)
Movies about social justice
The Bachelor/Bachelorette
Romantic comedies
Baked White Cheddar Cheetos
Dr. Pepper
Twitter
Staring at people and making up stories about their lives especially if I don’t know anything about them
Talking to myself
Frozen Yogurt: preferably cheesecake flavor with Reese’s topping
That’s just to name a few. If you were honest (because clearly that’s one of the things I do best), you would probably be able to list as many, if not more, things that you are addicted to. I don’t think an addiction is always something that you just can’t live without. We think of an addiction in relation to an alcoholic or a drug-addict. That’s not always the case. Our addictions are almost like secret love affairs that break the very heart of God when our addiction is not Him and Him alone. My addictions are mostly shallow. They will never change the world or my world and therefore, I should not spend a lot of time feeding these addictions, yet I do on a daily basis. Liz spent so much time with David that she had become infatuated and addicted, and ultimately (whether you believe it or not) fell in love with him. Now is it wrong to fall in love with someone? Oh, I think definitely not and I’m hoping that I get the opportunity to take that risk at some point in my life. Until then, I must focus my sole attention and heartbeat on Jesus alone. The words of “How He Loves Us” come to mind when it says, “He is jealous for me. Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree.” The God of the universe has sent His only Son to be a sacrifice to prove His love for us. He asked that we become addicted, consumed, and more than infatuated with Him. He desires our very being and life, more than we could ever offer or possibly give. He asks for it all, and to truly give up everything for something, I think that could be considered an addiction.
May you become completely addicted and fall completely head over heels in love with God, who loves you more than you could ever fathom or imagine and more than we could ever dream.
Letting go of my shallowness for His glory-Melis
P.S.—I think I’m becoming addicted to blogging lately too ;)
What if I just ended the blog there? I laugh as I type that because I would actually tell a person who would make a choice similar that I may end up punching them. (On that note, I have to say that Michelle from last season of the ABC show “The Bachelor,” featuring Brad Womack as the bachelor, actually was hilarious for me because she commonly made statements like this.) I think the answer is I am addictive. I have more than likely been addicted to a guy in my life, more than likely more than one. I actually have quite an addictive personality. I will insert a list here of things that I am currently addicted to:
Love of people, things, Jesus
Pei Wei Honey Seared Chicken and Crab Wontons
Panera Caesar salads
Chai Tea (not homemade though, I cannot figure out this homemade crap)
Books (mostly memoirs)
Movies about social justice
The Bachelor/Bachelorette
Romantic comedies
Baked White Cheddar Cheetos
Dr. Pepper
Staring at people and making up stories about their lives especially if I don’t know anything about them
Talking to myself
Frozen Yogurt: preferably cheesecake flavor with Reese’s topping
That’s just to name a few. If you were honest (because clearly that’s one of the things I do best), you would probably be able to list as many, if not more, things that you are addicted to. I don’t think an addiction is always something that you just can’t live without. We think of an addiction in relation to an alcoholic or a drug-addict. That’s not always the case. Our addictions are almost like secret love affairs that break the very heart of God when our addiction is not Him and Him alone. My addictions are mostly shallow. They will never change the world or my world and therefore, I should not spend a lot of time feeding these addictions, yet I do on a daily basis. Liz spent so much time with David that she had become infatuated and addicted, and ultimately (whether you believe it or not) fell in love with him. Now is it wrong to fall in love with someone? Oh, I think definitely not and I’m hoping that I get the opportunity to take that risk at some point in my life. Until then, I must focus my sole attention and heartbeat on Jesus alone. The words of “How He Loves Us” come to mind when it says, “He is jealous for me. Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree.” The God of the universe has sent His only Son to be a sacrifice to prove His love for us. He asked that we become addicted, consumed, and more than infatuated with Him. He desires our very being and life, more than we could ever offer or possibly give. He asks for it all, and to truly give up everything for something, I think that could be considered an addiction.
May you become completely addicted and fall completely head over heels in love with God, who loves you more than you could ever fathom or imagine and more than we could ever dream.
Letting go of my shallowness for His glory-Melis
P.S.—I think I’m becoming addicted to blogging lately too ;)
"Eat. Pray. Love." Chaos & Empathy
I would like to be the first to admit that I am crazy obsessed with the movie, “Eat.Pray.Love.” The other day I was watching it (go figure), and a friend asked what I was doing. I told him and he made a comment that led me to believe he didn’t really care for it. He didn’t and that’s fine. I’m not so obsessed that I’m offended when people don’t like the same things I do. He asked me why I liked it and I told him that it’s because I can see so much of myself in her. Can you? Maybe I’m too empathetic. Actually, I am. I can watch almost any movie and read almost any book and find so much of myself in a few of the characters in it. I’ve realized over the last couple of years that not everyone does that and again, that’s fine. We do not all live in the same bubble where we see things the same… thank God, right? I can see myself as Liz (and maybe this is directly related to my obsession with “Pride & Prejudice” and the main character, Lizzie-just putting that out there). Aren’t we all on a search for something? Don’t we all want something more? We all want to understand the “art of doing nothing” because as Americans we are not good at this and we can be okay with recognizing that. Sorry, off subject… back to the point of this blog. I’m doing things a little backwards (clearly) so after watching the movie several times and staring at the sequel to the book in Target, I decided that I should read the book and make sure that the movie is correct (since Hollywood asks my opinions on these things-bahaha) so that I can read the sequel.
Needless to say, I bought the book today and started reading. The movie is not all right (shocking, I know) and that is always a little disappointing for me, almost like I thought they would be exactly the same. The book is detailed and specific and gives me visuals and yet, I can still appreciate that I can hear Julia Roberts in my head reading the book to me (if that weirds you out, don’t read the book… Elizabeth Gilbert talks to herself A LOT, just one of the many reasons why I am quickly becoming a fan). The movie is in a little bit of a different order because of the way the book is written (which is really interesting) and I like her preface to the book. She makes some bold statements about the discoveries in her life and I appreciate that she is that honest. Not many people are willing to be honest anymore because no one wants to hurt anyone’s feelings and I am of the belief that people are literally dying for us to be honest and use our voice to speak so yes, I like her honesty and the authenticity in which she writes the book. The book is divided into three sections, obviously based on the three places that she traveled to: Italy, India, and Indonesia. Mind you… I have only read through half of the Italy section and it has given me so much to think about that I needed to write to get it out because living by yourself doesn’t exactly allow for much reflection with others (if you get my drift).
In the movie and the book, she visits the “Augusteum” and tells the story of the Augusteum. It was built originally to house the remains of Augustus and his family from the Roman Empire but we know that didn’t last forever, so the remains were stolen… the city of Rome built up around it and it was used for a few different things after that (a Jewish hideaway, a public bathroom, a bullring, a concert hall, etc.). Elizabeth Gilbert makes this statement, “I look at the Augusteum, and I think that perhaps my life has not actually been so chaotic, after all. It is merely this world that is chaotic, bringing changes to us all that nobody could have anticipated.” (p. 75 just so that I’m not stealing what she wrote, I’m merely quoting her) What a statement! Hit me between the eyes somebody! I look at my life so often and my search for satisfaction and contentment and pleasure and find that life is just chaotic sometimes. I (as a Believer) find myself sometimes looking and asking God how in the world He could allow chaos to take place and I’m sure that He often looks at my life and says, “Hey Melissa! It’s the world in which you live that is chaotic! In Me, you find peace, satisfaction, contentment and fulfillment beyond belief!” The question is, what do I choose? As I’m overanalyzing, overthinking, and being dramatic (the usual), I realize that I must realize that the world is chaotic, it’s not always flattering and it doesn’t always feel good. However, I love the Maker of chaos, but the Maker of healing; the Author of contentment and peace, the Calmer of every storm and the Mender of every heartbreak. May your search end there. May you find a love like no other. May you love the God that created, blesses, takes away, and gives. He is willing, even in the chaos.
I’m willing to live there! Melis
“Even in the Eternal City, says the silent Augusteum, one must always be prepared for riotous and endless waves of transformation.” –Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat.Pray.Love.
Needless to say, I bought the book today and started reading. The movie is not all right (shocking, I know) and that is always a little disappointing for me, almost like I thought they would be exactly the same. The book is detailed and specific and gives me visuals and yet, I can still appreciate that I can hear Julia Roberts in my head reading the book to me (if that weirds you out, don’t read the book… Elizabeth Gilbert talks to herself A LOT, just one of the many reasons why I am quickly becoming a fan). The movie is in a little bit of a different order because of the way the book is written (which is really interesting) and I like her preface to the book. She makes some bold statements about the discoveries in her life and I appreciate that she is that honest. Not many people are willing to be honest anymore because no one wants to hurt anyone’s feelings and I am of the belief that people are literally dying for us to be honest and use our voice to speak so yes, I like her honesty and the authenticity in which she writes the book. The book is divided into three sections, obviously based on the three places that she traveled to: Italy, India, and Indonesia. Mind you… I have only read through half of the Italy section and it has given me so much to think about that I needed to write to get it out because living by yourself doesn’t exactly allow for much reflection with others (if you get my drift).
In the movie and the book, she visits the “Augusteum” and tells the story of the Augusteum. It was built originally to house the remains of Augustus and his family from the Roman Empire but we know that didn’t last forever, so the remains were stolen… the city of Rome built up around it and it was used for a few different things after that (a Jewish hideaway, a public bathroom, a bullring, a concert hall, etc.). Elizabeth Gilbert makes this statement, “I look at the Augusteum, and I think that perhaps my life has not actually been so chaotic, after all. It is merely this world that is chaotic, bringing changes to us all that nobody could have anticipated.” (p. 75 just so that I’m not stealing what she wrote, I’m merely quoting her) What a statement! Hit me between the eyes somebody! I look at my life so often and my search for satisfaction and contentment and pleasure and find that life is just chaotic sometimes. I (as a Believer) find myself sometimes looking and asking God how in the world He could allow chaos to take place and I’m sure that He often looks at my life and says, “Hey Melissa! It’s the world in which you live that is chaotic! In Me, you find peace, satisfaction, contentment and fulfillment beyond belief!” The question is, what do I choose? As I’m overanalyzing, overthinking, and being dramatic (the usual), I realize that I must realize that the world is chaotic, it’s not always flattering and it doesn’t always feel good. However, I love the Maker of chaos, but the Maker of healing; the Author of contentment and peace, the Calmer of every storm and the Mender of every heartbreak. May your search end there. May you find a love like no other. May you love the God that created, blesses, takes away, and gives. He is willing, even in the chaos.
I’m willing to live there! Melis
“Even in the Eternal City, says the silent Augusteum, one must always be prepared for riotous and endless waves of transformation.” –Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat.Pray.Love.
Sunday, May 22, 2011
What I Want
(I will preface this blog by apologizing because I am so brutally honest that I cannot help but inserting my own personal life here, I mean isn't that what a blog is for? And if you're a part of my life, you're taking a chance, just saying :) )
I was talking to my mom earlier today about this very subject. It has become a laughing matter for me that people think that I'm more intelligent, wiser, smarter, or even "brilliant"... that I should write a book, make a movie, or be an actress (okay, that was a little dramatic). I am not really any different than you. I grew up in a bedroom that I shared with my sister, my whole family shared a bathroom, and I played in my backyard in the dirt. My dad worked construction and my mom worked in some type of accounting for most of my life. We weren't rich. I didn't have more clothes or shoes or books than any other kid that I went to school with. I went to the same classes, I had the same teachers, there was nothing in my life that really "set me up" for what people now think is brilliant. I could sit with you at Panera right now and we could compare life stories and honestly, yours are probably more outrageous than mine... you were smarter than I was, you made better grades, had more friends and wore nicer clothes. Maybe that's where we became different though, a lot of those things never really mattered to me at all. I do have to be honest and say that I'm now overly sensitive to kids who are made fun of because I was in middle school, I just didn't know any different and I apparently was unaware of things that all of these other girls knew.
But maybe... just maybe... that's what set me apart. I was innocent, naive even (still am--thank God). I didn't know any different. I didn't WANT to know any different. I didn't want to feel stupid and I didn't want to experience all these things that girls experienced in middle school or high school. I liked being innocent. I also liked being in control. Therefore, I liked knowing what I wanted. It was in the moments that what I wanted was questioned that I felt stupid or unintelligent and being naive became a problem. I was given an incredible gift of empathy, which sometimes fleshes itself out as sarcasm and sometimes compassion (I know that doesn't even seem possible). I can see what you're going through and realize what it must feel like, I can put myself in your shoes. I know what I would want you to say to me and do for me and where I would want you to be, I can do those things, I can feel those things, I can hear those things. Maybe it's some sort of crazy (fabulous) gift that God decided to give me. So maybe I'm considered smart or wiser or something along those lines because I know what I want.
Here's a hint on living your life... stop settling. What do you want? What fills in your blanks? What makes you excited? Where are you passionate? Why are you not living there? My life is better knowing that I know what God wants for me... to glorify Him... He gave me passions to love kids, love Africa, and love people... by being honest, by being real, by being authentic. It doesn't mean I have to be completely vulnerable with every single person in my life but it does mean that I can be me. What do you want? You want to know what I want?
...to love God with wreckless abandon, to pursue Jesus passionately and to love Him with all of me, to be satisfied in what He gives me, to understand the situations that my students are in and meet them where they are, to open my arms and heart and life to the prodigal child, to stop being the prodigal child, to love my family and share with them what is going on in my life, to have friends who are always friends-- who I can pick up and call at anytime and they do the same, to feel like I matter, to make a difference, to change my world, to change someone else's world... or actually a lot of others worlds, to run an orphanage, to be a foster parent, to love the man that God gives me, to be pursued by the man God gives me, to be honest enough to say that I'm not okay, to see Kevin, Steven, Jocelyne, Maythe, Valerie, David, Keisha, and so many more of my kids graduate high school, to take a group of students to Africa, to work for IJM, to be comfortable in my own skin...
I could go on and on all day. At least you have an idea of where I'm coming from, now think... for you... what is it that you want? What do you see or feel that you know you don't want? And more importantly, it's not what we want or don't want... it's what we do about it. What is your next step? I say.. go for it, jump, and land in the place where you are in love with Jesus as He whispers His desires for you into who you are.
I'm living there... Melis
I was talking to my mom earlier today about this very subject. It has become a laughing matter for me that people think that I'm more intelligent, wiser, smarter, or even "brilliant"... that I should write a book, make a movie, or be an actress (okay, that was a little dramatic). I am not really any different than you. I grew up in a bedroom that I shared with my sister, my whole family shared a bathroom, and I played in my backyard in the dirt. My dad worked construction and my mom worked in some type of accounting for most of my life. We weren't rich. I didn't have more clothes or shoes or books than any other kid that I went to school with. I went to the same classes, I had the same teachers, there was nothing in my life that really "set me up" for what people now think is brilliant. I could sit with you at Panera right now and we could compare life stories and honestly, yours are probably more outrageous than mine... you were smarter than I was, you made better grades, had more friends and wore nicer clothes. Maybe that's where we became different though, a lot of those things never really mattered to me at all. I do have to be honest and say that I'm now overly sensitive to kids who are made fun of because I was in middle school, I just didn't know any different and I apparently was unaware of things that all of these other girls knew.
But maybe... just maybe... that's what set me apart. I was innocent, naive even (still am--thank God). I didn't know any different. I didn't WANT to know any different. I didn't want to feel stupid and I didn't want to experience all these things that girls experienced in middle school or high school. I liked being innocent. I also liked being in control. Therefore, I liked knowing what I wanted. It was in the moments that what I wanted was questioned that I felt stupid or unintelligent and being naive became a problem. I was given an incredible gift of empathy, which sometimes fleshes itself out as sarcasm and sometimes compassion (I know that doesn't even seem possible). I can see what you're going through and realize what it must feel like, I can put myself in your shoes. I know what I would want you to say to me and do for me and where I would want you to be, I can do those things, I can feel those things, I can hear those things. Maybe it's some sort of crazy (fabulous) gift that God decided to give me. So maybe I'm considered smart or wiser or something along those lines because I know what I want.
Here's a hint on living your life... stop settling. What do you want? What fills in your blanks? What makes you excited? Where are you passionate? Why are you not living there? My life is better knowing that I know what God wants for me... to glorify Him... He gave me passions to love kids, love Africa, and love people... by being honest, by being real, by being authentic. It doesn't mean I have to be completely vulnerable with every single person in my life but it does mean that I can be me. What do you want? You want to know what I want?
...to love God with wreckless abandon, to pursue Jesus passionately and to love Him with all of me, to be satisfied in what He gives me, to understand the situations that my students are in and meet them where they are, to open my arms and heart and life to the prodigal child, to stop being the prodigal child, to love my family and share with them what is going on in my life, to have friends who are always friends-- who I can pick up and call at anytime and they do the same, to feel like I matter, to make a difference, to change my world, to change someone else's world... or actually a lot of others worlds, to run an orphanage, to be a foster parent, to love the man that God gives me, to be pursued by the man God gives me, to be honest enough to say that I'm not okay, to see Kevin, Steven, Jocelyne, Maythe, Valerie, David, Keisha, and so many more of my kids graduate high school, to take a group of students to Africa, to work for IJM, to be comfortable in my own skin...
I could go on and on all day. At least you have an idea of where I'm coming from, now think... for you... what is it that you want? What do you see or feel that you know you don't want? And more importantly, it's not what we want or don't want... it's what we do about it. What is your next step? I say.. go for it, jump, and land in the place where you are in love with Jesus as He whispers His desires for you into who you are.
I'm living there... Melis
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Disheartening World
3 years ago… I wrote the following poem.
1.12.08
I’m falling, hurting, aching.
You’re flying, soaring, breaking
Down barriers in my heart.
You are tearing me apart
And it hurts.
Building ruins and restoring
Devastation—that’s what
Your love is about.
Tearing down to rebuild better,
Breaking places to make
Me stronger.
Breaking my heart and
Piecing together the aches
And the pains of yesterday.
How have I allowed myself
To stay this way?
In all my stubbornness,
Pain and pride—I reach
Only toward the outside.
Not toward you—where I
Find relief.
A refuge, a home, comfort, peace.
Love me Jesus, love me deep.
Love me deeper, love me please.
It’s crazy that my life runs in cycles. I’m sure yours does the same if you were being honest. A few minutes ago, I heard a 13ish year old girl tell her BFF who was standing beside her, “Life is just like that sometimes.” I’m sure she’ll walk out of Panera believing that completely and being okay with it, right? I doubt it… it’s actually one of those things that Keisha and I and so many others and myself talk about… it’s easier said than done. I have found that in the middle of immense blessing comes immense pain and I have also found the opposite. I have found that sometimes it feels like my life must be the picture of Hell on earth, only to find that Heaven is a little bit sweeter because it has been a little bit harder before that point. I find that the peace of God is sweeter when I have felt like a storm has been completely wrecking my life. Do you? I’m sure that you, just like me, just like the 13ish year old girl… we find that life is “just that way sometimes…” and yet we grumble and complain and absolutely know it will get better. It’s just harder getting to that point.
This week has been crazy. Monday, my school campus was saturated with Jesus. Twenty college students from a university in Michigan who are all believers walked into classrooms, worked with students, talked with teachers, and were Jesus. What an incredible beginning. Tuesday, around 20 students whom I love dearly chose some very poor decisions and therefore, faced some really hard consequences, totally deserving, yes and some even received the grace that I prayed for specifically—behavior school and not complete expulsion. What kind of disheartening world do I live in? Students who I have spent time with, loved on, invested in… threw away everything they had going for them to make a mistake that they thought would only last an hour, not an entire semester. I go back to the poem I wrote above, feeling the same way that when God so often devastates the people I love around me, I am devastated too. It’s been a hard week and it’s been an interesting weekend. To top off the week, the rest of my students who I love and trust as well… one took something very costly from my room. What a great way to end the week, right? In the midst of all of this, God is really showing me my own heart and that just sucks sometimes. My heart that is selfish and thinks I know what’s best for every kid in my classroom, a heart that chooses sometimes what is so evil and wicked because my mind chooses to be in a bad mood…. What am I doing? It’s almost like my deceptive heart is challenging God. Totally uncalled for I know and totally where I’m at.
And so I ask myself the question, “What is my place in this disheartening world?” Well, God decided that I should find out that answer this morning at about 4 AM. And he didn’t let me go to sleep until He knew I understood it. My place is what is described in Proverbs 31:8-9 (here I am thinking it’s Isaiah), “Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves; defend the rights of all those who have nothing. Speak up and judge fairly, and defend the rights of the poor and needy.” (This is beside the fact that I was dreaming literally names of countries in the Middle East and I woke up with a huge urgency to pray for them.) My place with my students, even when I am hurting and do not understand, is to speak up for them. They are broken and needy in so many ways, and although they have done things repeatedly that have hurt me, I have done so much more to break the heart of the Jesus that I absolutely love. So yes, this world is disheartening, but for some reason knowing that I have a place that God has completely called me to in this world… makes it a little bit easier. May you find His peace and understanding and incredible love to be more than enough for you in a world that is completely broken. He is it.
-Melis
1.12.08
I’m falling, hurting, aching.
You’re flying, soaring, breaking
Down barriers in my heart.
You are tearing me apart
And it hurts.
Building ruins and restoring
Devastation—that’s what
Your love is about.
Tearing down to rebuild better,
Breaking places to make
Me stronger.
Breaking my heart and
Piecing together the aches
And the pains of yesterday.
How have I allowed myself
To stay this way?
In all my stubbornness,
Pain and pride—I reach
Only toward the outside.
Not toward you—where I
Find relief.
A refuge, a home, comfort, peace.
Love me Jesus, love me deep.
Love me deeper, love me please.
It’s crazy that my life runs in cycles. I’m sure yours does the same if you were being honest. A few minutes ago, I heard a 13ish year old girl tell her BFF who was standing beside her, “Life is just like that sometimes.” I’m sure she’ll walk out of Panera believing that completely and being okay with it, right? I doubt it… it’s actually one of those things that Keisha and I and so many others and myself talk about… it’s easier said than done. I have found that in the middle of immense blessing comes immense pain and I have also found the opposite. I have found that sometimes it feels like my life must be the picture of Hell on earth, only to find that Heaven is a little bit sweeter because it has been a little bit harder before that point. I find that the peace of God is sweeter when I have felt like a storm has been completely wrecking my life. Do you? I’m sure that you, just like me, just like the 13ish year old girl… we find that life is “just that way sometimes…” and yet we grumble and complain and absolutely know it will get better. It’s just harder getting to that point.
This week has been crazy. Monday, my school campus was saturated with Jesus. Twenty college students from a university in Michigan who are all believers walked into classrooms, worked with students, talked with teachers, and were Jesus. What an incredible beginning. Tuesday, around 20 students whom I love dearly chose some very poor decisions and therefore, faced some really hard consequences, totally deserving, yes and some even received the grace that I prayed for specifically—behavior school and not complete expulsion. What kind of disheartening world do I live in? Students who I have spent time with, loved on, invested in… threw away everything they had going for them to make a mistake that they thought would only last an hour, not an entire semester. I go back to the poem I wrote above, feeling the same way that when God so often devastates the people I love around me, I am devastated too. It’s been a hard week and it’s been an interesting weekend. To top off the week, the rest of my students who I love and trust as well… one took something very costly from my room. What a great way to end the week, right? In the midst of all of this, God is really showing me my own heart and that just sucks sometimes. My heart that is selfish and thinks I know what’s best for every kid in my classroom, a heart that chooses sometimes what is so evil and wicked because my mind chooses to be in a bad mood…. What am I doing? It’s almost like my deceptive heart is challenging God. Totally uncalled for I know and totally where I’m at.
And so I ask myself the question, “What is my place in this disheartening world?” Well, God decided that I should find out that answer this morning at about 4 AM. And he didn’t let me go to sleep until He knew I understood it. My place is what is described in Proverbs 31:8-9 (here I am thinking it’s Isaiah), “Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves; defend the rights of all those who have nothing. Speak up and judge fairly, and defend the rights of the poor and needy.” (This is beside the fact that I was dreaming literally names of countries in the Middle East and I woke up with a huge urgency to pray for them.) My place with my students, even when I am hurting and do not understand, is to speak up for them. They are broken and needy in so many ways, and although they have done things repeatedly that have hurt me, I have done so much more to break the heart of the Jesus that I absolutely love. So yes, this world is disheartening, but for some reason knowing that I have a place that God has completely called me to in this world… makes it a little bit easier. May you find His peace and understanding and incredible love to be more than enough for you in a world that is completely broken. He is it.
-Melis
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