Worth.

In "The Attributes of God," Tozer writes, "Not "Look at me. I am wonderful; I am happy, happy, happy." No--the Lamb, the Lamb is worthy."

We live in a world that is obsessed with how happy we are as individuals. The world would tell me if I'm not happy, stop doing what I'm doing, pursue something different, find someone else, etc. Maybe our urgency for happiness has ruined us because it turns out we don't know how to be happy at all. We are miserable in our own skin. We believe we're ugly, worthless, helpless, victimized, and so on. But are we really those things?

The most recent Dove ad proves otherwise. It shows that people see better in us than we see in ourselves and I have to be honest and say that I agree with it in its entirety. People see things in me and call things out in me that I would have NEVER in a million years taken a second look at. NEVER. I sat across the table at Starbucks from Vanessa today having a conversation about this very topic. I had a horrible day. I've literally been in tears at least five times. I'm overly disappointed, my feelings are hurt A LOT and I don't know what to do in this awkward situation I am facing. There was a situation where I was under the impression that one thing was going to happen and now it's not going to and I'm very confused. I feel broken and I wonder why this "thing" that was going to happen is not going to anymore. Is it something I did wrong or something I said? Did I just misunderstand? Was I too naive? I've ran through the conversations that I had about this situation and I literally feel like I'm living in a dream, like this is not real.

I told Vanessa that my struggle so much is that I'm just not good enough. Was I actually not good to be in a different place or doing a different thing? She talked about a girl in her after school program today and how the girl felt like she was annoying because she talked too much and her brother told her she was annoying. So she believes it. What is it in my life that causes me to go back, lose my worth and value, and feel not good enough? Why is that my last resort? Vanessa said that the interesting thing is that she wouldn't look at the situation and say that it has anything to do with whether I'm good enough. She sees it differently.

We never see ourselves the same way others see us, whether that be good or bad. I have often sold myself short while so many of my sweet friends wonder what in the world I'm doing. They've been so encouraging and have reminded me of my true worth. I am valued and loved by the God who runs the universe, as Tozer reminds us. God knows that everything is not going to make me happy and I'm not always going to feel like following Him. Yet, He gently wipes my tears, reminds me how much He loves me, and places incredible people in my life to do the same.

I'm not sure this is a lesson that I'll ever completely learn. I'm sure there will be more tears where the ones from today came from. I'm sure that I'll have days where I don't know why I'm doing what I'm doing and I'm sure at some seasons, it will be more than others. Like now and that's okay. I get to shed some tears, long for the beach, beg God to show me what He's doing and keep going. I do trust Him. I do believe that He's doing what's best for me.

I hope that you see the same thing in your life. He's doing what's best for us. He knows what He's doing and we can trust Him.
-Melis

Trade

Today, Vance spoke about a life from old to new. Tonight, Scott talked about being convinced and assured of the faith we have in Christ.

It was a long day. It has been a long week and it was a long weekend. It just happens. It's life. Not always easy, not always happy. Then I find myself slipping into a place in my life where I want to sleep all the time. I want to just watch TV, go to and from my job and do nothing but the bare minimum. I don't want anyone to think there's anything wrong with me but at the same time, I do want someone to care. I sat in bed tonight and began reading 1 John 4. I'm speaking on this in a month and what's going on in me is exactly what I'm speaking on. I was thinking of how I lack being convinced sometimes and how often I walk in the old. I made a lengthy list of what "I am no longer..." That list became this... My trade.

I'll trade my slavery for Your freedom.
I'll trade my depression for Your Joy and my loneliness for the promise You'll never leave.
I'll trade my singleness for the wait and unworthiness to Your Worth.
I'll trade my high standards for Your perfection and my abandonment for Your constant Presence.
I'll trade my lack of love and unloved moments for Your vast Love for me.
I'll trade my unwanted life to be Your Chosen Treasure.
I'll trade my lack of being good enough for the fact that You are ALWAYS good.
I'll trade my regrets for Your desires.
I'll trade the times I feel stupid to moments of humility.
I'll trade my ugliness for Your beauty and my weakness for Your strength.
I'll trade my inconsistency to hold on to Your Anchor.
I'll trade my old for new, my lack of love to loving You.

May you be encouraged. We must reframe to walk in Him. We are not who we were when He rescued us and my life does not reflect the pit. It reflects the rescue and the redemption of a girl who desperately needed it.

Ben sang tonight: "And on and on and on and it goes, for it overwhelms and satisfies my soul. I never ever have to be afraid, this one thing remains. Your Love never fails, never gives up, never runs out on me."

I am convinced He is good and He has changed me from old to new out of His incredible love. I don't deserve it but I'll trade my mess for His life in me. -Melis

Running Red Lights

Sunday morning, I took the usual route to church. I was going to the earlier service so maybe that's what threw me off. Either way, I completely ran a traffic light that was red and by red, I mean everyone from my direction had stopped and I clearly missed the memo. Gracious Jesus-- there was nothing coming from a different direction and I was completely okay in every way that I could be safe but the fact that I completely missed it made me think.

What exactly was I doing that would make me so distracted? I'm normally doing a million things at once and can handle stopping at a light, but I just didn't. I read in some article a while back where they suggest you drive a different way to work every once in a while so you're fully conscious and fully aware of what you are doing. We usually don't make time to do such things so we rush out and run red lights because as a friend of my family used to say, "You've seen one. You've seen them all."

The question is really not which way do you drive to work or how many red or yellow lights do you run a day, it's really are you aware of what's going on in your life?? We have desensitized to the world an often just ignore things that should plague our hearts and minds. Because we have seen these movies and shows so many times, we act as if it doesn't affect us but it does in way that we do not notice immediately.

I encourage you- take a different route. Be conscious. You could be missing an opportunity that you wouldn't get otherwise because we are so used to our routine! You're not in this alone! I'm with ya! -Melis