It's been a while... I know. I have stopped having as many weekly visits to Panera (even though that's where I am at the moment). Since I have returned from Africa, I have read a lot and by a lot I mean I completed my 10th book this morning, and that doesn't even include the 2 I am in the middle of. I have, over the last year or so, fallen in love with memoirs. People who tell their stories... the good, the bad, the ugly... their secrets, the well-known parts of them, and day to day life. Well I have a confession to make... I am ready to be that honest. In reading these books, I have found a new part of me that I have been able to admit over the last few weeks so I thought I would share it with you.
When I first moved to Las Vegas, I knew life would be different. I knew that life wouldn't be easy (not that it had been before that, but now I was considered an adult). I had no family in Vegas, except for adopted families and they still never knew me as well as my blood family does. I knew some people and had some friends but I left all my best friends on the East Coast and they were getting ready or had already packed up their lives and started over too. Jenn was in Colorado... Diana was getting ready to move to India after spending part of a semester in Greece... Abby was trying to decide what to do and where to go and she still had a year or so to finish up so she stuck it out in good old Cleveland (brave her). So I left and moved west and figured that I had a lot waiting for me in Vegas... boy, was I right about that! In that first year, I moved twice, had 3 roommates, started a new job, served a good bit in my new home church, got baptized and traveled out of the country to Africa for the first time.
A lot of my mindsets and life changed while working in inner city Las Vegas with kids who had nothing and were in gangs, and then going to Africa gave me a completely different view of the world and what God had in store for me. Upon my return from Africa that fall, a lot of me changed. I didn't know how to be around people. I didn't want to be around some people. What I saw in Africa made me realize that I wanted to choose wisely who brought me up and down and in the process, I lost some people very close to me. I also saw what God was going on the other side of the world in the most simplistic way and I couldn't understand why it couldn't be duplicated in my world in Las Vegas. Candace (my amazing roommate at the time) had just gotten engaged in the summer and had to move out a little sooner than she thought and so I ended up being at home quite a bit by myself. During that time though, I sunk into what I will call a shallow depression. I felt like people didn't want me around anymore (I know now that it wasn't true or even close now) and I really just didn't want to be around people. I would sleep, watch movies, eat at home and sometimes just not eat. I lost weight, lost sleep at night because I was sleeping so much during the day and I became more of a hermit than I had ever been.... and really, I'm definitely already an introvert. I lost people that I loved and I was also dealing with stepping out of church ministry (which was totally what I needed to do at the time) for the first time in almost 7 years... I had been in it since high school. What was I going to do with all my time? How was I going to spend my time? Who was I going to be friends with? Did I still want to go to the same church? The answer was confusing... and still is confusing. In that following year, God brought me a new roommate who was loving and helpful, as well as great friends to work with and become close to.
I think I thought that if people knew I felt that way they would definitely not want me around but I realize now that God truly does place people in our lives for a reason. He knows us so much better than we knows ourselves and He is more than willing to listen, be a shoulder to cry on, and provide people to encourage and strengthen us. That year, I became so close to my kids at school and they knew me better than the year before.... they knew me so well that it was a little dangerous. I still keep in touch with those kids and that year brought me closer to the next year's group of kids. I think it's okay at the end of the day to be honest. I think it's okay to be honest enough to say that I know what depression feels like and the beginnings of the depth of it looks like. My confessions are just me... and there's nothing wrong with that.
May you be real enough with yourself to realize how someone else can or does feel-- it changes everything! I'm living there... Melis
