Secrets and gratitude

I would just like to brag and whine a bit about the weekend I'm in the midst of. Besides my brain counting down until the end of school, I have (as we all do at times) needed some time of solitude. I realized this earlier this afternoon when I showed up to something with a friend to decide that I didn't really want to do what I had planned. (There were multiple things going on in my brain at that time and so I do not feel that my brain was properly working but that's beside the point.) Why didn't I come full circle with that concept before? Gratefully, she was not heart broken over it by any means and went ahead with what we had planned. I ended at home next to the pool for a good 2 1/2 hours with a book. I read about half of it this afternoon. I love love stories.... add the teenage drama love story and I love it even more... add sitting next to the pool on a perfect afternoon... I would say that I'm pretty low maintenance (sometimes). This was after my overdramatic thought process had already taken over for a few hours. Sometimes I need to leave my life decisions and become the character of a book and indulge myself for a little while. I am, after all, the award winning actress in every good film I watch, not limited to but including the role of Lizzie in "Pride and Prejudice" as well as Katherine Heigl's character in "27 Dresses," but that's really beside the point.

Hanging out with friends this weekend has given me some time to process through a few different things going on in my life. It has also given me multiple times to be vulnerable, ask for wisdom, and ask for prayer in specific areas... as well as pretend quit my life a few times :) (There's no reason to be completely serious at all times.) It has given me space to confront fears, open up about the place I've been repentant over the last couple of years, and dream dreams. Sitting next to the pool this afternoon, I was thinking again about the book One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp. She confronts this reality that she spends days highly grateful and days where she feels there is nothing to be grateful for.

Often times, when I feel this way, it is because I feel I need to hide my ugly days. My days when things aren't good.... when I yell at my kids, don't wear makeup to school, over exaggerate something that was unnecessary, blame someone for something that was my fault, I'm short tempered, I say things I don't mean, and I make up nightmares of worst case scenarios where there should be no worries. When I live in this place, I am not fun to be around, I am not nice. I am short and snappy, my sass increases by about a million percent, and I am easily offended over things that make no difference. So I'm choosing to be honest about my gross days and, YET, be honest about my grateful days and allow those grateful moments to overtake my mood swings and hyperventilational moments on life (I realize that's not a real word and my sass at the moment could care less :) ). So here's the beginning of my grateful list from this weekend...

1. Africa and the pieces of my heart that will be shortly recovered there
2. Listening ears of wisdom who listens more than speaks
3. Glimmering cobwebs to remind me the sun is shining
4. Blue skies
5. Patio furniture and beautiful nights
6. Facebook messages read early in the morning to think about during the day
7. Tan lines and sunshine
8. Text messages from dramatic friends
9. Free smoothie and VIP rewards
10. The hymn "It is well with my soul"
11. Ariana's prayer request notes in her phone
12. Love stories
13. Amazon Prime movies to watch while going to bed
14. Homemade chocolate chip cookies
15. Leftover pizza
16. Journals and Sharpie pens and written poems and letters I'm still learning from
17. A couch to nap on
18. Washing machines with a quick wash
19. Pinterest quotes and Instagram inspirations

...and that is all for now, my friends... hoping your gratefulness overwhelms your secret bad days and helps us see the good in the bad somehow and in some way. Going to sit outside and enjoy the rest of the evening! Love you (and my sincerest gratitude for reading this-- especially if you read all the time!) and happy Memorial day weekend. - Melis