Sometimes I eat chocolate cereal for dinner.

Sometimes the days are long. Sometimes the nights before are long too. Sometimes you wake up and realize how ridiculous you are. Sometimes you go to work and do ridiculous things. Sometimes you over-apologize and over think and then you can't decide what to eat for dinner and you decide you don't want to spend money so you go home and eat Cocoa Krispies and watch "Full House" re-runs that you watched when you were in elementary school and now you're 29 and you're still watching and eating the same things.       

And then you beg, "Do things really change?" "Do things always stay the same?" "What do you do to change it? What stays the same in the process?" And then I (being the you in all the above statements) sit and write a blog. I'm not sure that it always helps me right then but I think it does in the long run. (Side note: Sometimes I write these for myself more than to be read!!)

I had the most bizarre pedicure earlier. I swear they took a cheese grater to my foot, followed by a plastic bag of lotion. I've never had that happen. All the while, I'm attempting to read a book for my small group but am somewhat unsuccessful. And I'm thinking. A lot. A lot a lot. 

A lot of change has happened for and to me over the last year. I expect more again in the upcoming year but I sometimes wonder if I'm anchored enough to handle it. Can a broken heart be repaired completely and can a messed-up mind think straight? 

My inadequacies are mostly due to the lie of the Enemy. I sleep and wake worried, whether it is necessary or not. I'm reading One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp and she says this:

"...I know all our days are struggle and warfare (Job 14:14) and that the spirit-to-spirit combat I endlessly wage with Satan is this ferocious thrash for joy. He sneers at all the things that seem to have gone hideously mad in this sin-drunk world, and I gasp to say God is good. The liar defiantly scrawls his graffiti across God's glory, and I heave to enjoy God... and Satan strangles, and I whiten knuckles to grasp real Truth and fix that beast to the floor." (p. 90)

Over the last few weeks, I've felt like God has spoken clearly about a few different areas of my life but I'm scared out of my mind that what He is saying could be true (and believe me, I know it is!). It means I have to let someone in, to be myself to someone who doesn't know anything about me, to speak Truth in love, to speak Truth to a group of people I know nothing about, and to be okay with failing. To risk and to get up and to not let myself be won over by insecurity and inadequacy. 

To sometimes eat chocolate cereal for dinner and breakfast and be okay with a slight change. 

Praying selfishly for some peace, but not always patience :) -Melis

"...God chooses to cut into my ungrateful heart to make me whole." -Ann Voskamp