You can STILL have it.

Because I'm a really awesome friend, about a year ago, I gave a teacher friend of mine this activity that I had for my class. Well, he didn't use it and I decided I wanted it back. Don't judge me. I know what you're thinking. Who does that? Oh wait... that would be me. I do that. I asked for it back, and then, of course, acted like I had never given it to him to begin with. I know that sounds ridiculous but I promise you that Roger would tell you that it's the Truth.

Don't you hate love when the words of God on a page make you rethink everything? As in, every single thing  you're going through or experiencing. You constantly just say, "I don't know" about everything because you can't quite put your finger on what it is He's doing but you also are scared because if you put your finger on it, SOMETHING (or maybe everything?) has to change. How often do I find myself this way, you ask? Pretty much almost every. single. time. ((and am willing to listen)) I pick up my Bible. All the time.

This morning, I'm sitting at Starbucks, wishing I would have chosen a different part to read. A VERY different part because it was so clear to me and it wouldn't have (/won't) made sense to anyone else in that moment. In coming back from Zambia this year, I have felt constantly on edge, uncomfortable, uneasy, wavering, basically, a hot mess. Worse than usual hot mess. A blazing hot mess. From depression and pits to anxiety and nerves to complete days of bliss and laughing and friends to feeling completely alone. My multiple personalities and voices in my head gets the best of me sometimes. I have been so so relaxed and so so stressed within minutes. I can carry on a coherent conversation out loud, while simultaneously carrying on 45 to 52,375 other conversations inside my head. I came back to the states and PROMISED God that He could just have my whole heart. So over the last 3 months, I've done what many of you have done, I've taken some of it back. I've held on to some of it while He's captured the rest. He has destroyed some of my heart and rebuilt them and refurnished the whole thing with what He believes looks best. It has been a painful refining of fire. I don't always think it looks best but I don't see what He sees. (That was also my prayer this summer.) After I came back, I wrote this blog... You Can Have It.

In thinking and talking through this tonight with a friend, I realized how much I've taken back. How much I let the things I didn't want to change me change. How much I gave to God willingly over stars and letters and loves and how quickly I'm holding my fist to shake at him because I'm just mad over it. He didn't give me what I wanted exactly when I wanted it. So I don't completely retract my original prayer, but if I could change it, it would say...

Jesus- Take my fancy and un-fancy things. Take all my things. Every single piece. Take my time and attention and relationships. And while you're at it, take the time I use to think about relationships. It's really making me crazy. Take my focus and eyes and ears and mouth and speak into them and around them what only You would have. (P.S. Can you make sure I'm doing the same for those around me?? I could really use the help in this area as you know I have "foot in mouth syndrome.") Take my Starbucks and turn those fierce iced Chai's into conversations about You. Or use the time I drink them to make me ponder a lot of really deep things I don't understand. Just do that so I stop thinking about myself so much. Take my need for attention and starve it and set my attention and affection on You. You've definitely been doing this. Have I really tried to pull the brat card with you? I have. And I'm sorry. Take every Target shopping trip, even for the necessities and let me slow down and SEE other people. Make me relational more than a task/go-er/do-er constantly. Because it's really not about me at all. It was always you. I have all these things but you know what? You can have them. Take it. You can have it all. The speaker at church tonight was right when he called me up on the stage and exposed every dark secret of my heart and then told me that you plus everything equals nothing. Okay, he didn't call me to the stage or send me to a confession booth but I just want to be real honest that I'm struggling with this. (And I know I'm not the only one.)

And when I ask you why I'm hurting, allow me to think outside of myself and let someone else have my compassion and empathy and tears so they can hurt harder. And when I ask you if it's worth it, remind me of Sunday, Golden, Nelson, Dorothy, Peggy, Holly, Charles and Helen, Lorrin and Christopher, Kennedy, artistic Erick and Dennis the Menace. Remind me of the teachers we trained and the kids who put rocks on my feet. Remind me of the selfless service of Christopher and the dancing feet of Gabriel. Remind me of Olivia's arms around my waist and Kennedy's squished face against mine. Remind me of Meka's toothbrush and Kairos' grin. Remind me of the little boy who I "fought" with daily in Makwati just to make him smile. Remind me of Simon's wit and Richard's laugh and the fact that Derek barely understands whether I'm joking or not (and now those roles have reversed). Remind me of Keith's listening ears and verbal processing too that reminds me that we all need each other to talk through things in an honest, non-embarrassing way. Remind me to pray for Ofentse and Moshibudi and the new work you are using them for in southern Africa. Please remind me that you are ALWAYS doing a new thing in each of us, in the world we live in, around us and through us. You are ALWAYS at work, when our eyes are opened or closed and when we hear or don't hear. Those things are what it's about. Caring so much about others that I forget me in the process. So take what you want from me and set me apart for you because I want YOU to have it more than anyone else. I want to mean that more. In the process, remind me of how bad you want this for me and how bad I want it for me too. I make a lot of promises I don't keep and take back a lot of things I've given but I want to tell you that you can still have it. You can have it all. I just need some help, your tireless compassion and a reminder of your constant and beautifully woven faithfulness to me. The stars remind me. And so does Your Word and Your people. I love you. A lot. Thank you for choosing to love me. Love-Melissa