Getting ready for what should have been a really busy day,I went to my new school to set up my room. Except they're cleaning the carpets. So yes I did pack everything in my car and got there and then I couldn't do anything except look at my room, go back to my car, and drive home. I was supposed to have an appointment at 11:30 with this guy for a curriculum I'm teaching this year. Oh. Nope to that too. He got called into work. So I drank my Starbucks chai that I had planned on indulging in during all of those things and stayed home finishing a couple of projects that have needed to be finished, working on my portfolio for my Online/Blended Learning certification, and figuring out how to terminate my current Internet to get cheaper Internet. I met Neena at Starbucks and by that time Vanessa was already at the hospital getting ready to have her baby, so the afternoon was a little chaotic too.
Through all of that, I kept thinking of the Bible study I went to last night. It's a church plant that will be launched in a year called WALK. I met Heiden and Neena a few weeks ago when we all led small groups at camp. Neena and I led together and she was a Godsend for me so when she asked me to come to the Bible study that Heiden, her husband, was leading, I was not hesitant about my want to attend. Now I say my want to attend because I did want to go. However, I woke up Tuesday with a feeling that I should not go. I had the strangest dreams and felt so awful about it that I really didn't want to go anywhere. I felt like people knew what I saw in my dream and it was so uncomfortable for me. I decided that I would go to Bible study finally when a friend and I were going together. I confirmed with Neena and then I got a message from my friend that she wasn't able to go after all.
I get it God. For whatever reason I knew He wanted me there so I went, a nervous wreck and an anxious case about it. I was immediately greeted and welcomed and felt like I could take a deep breath. I was in a place where I felt like it was okay for my heart to be a mess and still want Jesus. I did want Him. I just felt that I did not and could not deserve Him. So of course, Jesus would have Heiden speak right into that when Heiden told the vision of WALK Church and the story of the Samaritan woman at the well in John 4.
It's the story of the woman at the well that Jesus talks to and basically spells out exactly what her life is all about. She had 5 husbands previously and was currently in a relationship with a man who was not her husband. When Jesus calls her out on this, she basically says, "Who the heck is this man and how does he know this about me???!" I'm sure she was on edge, anxious to hear about what He would say next about her. She tried to pull the religious card and Jesus wasn't having any of that WHATSOEVER. Typical. He doesn't like our rules and procedures of Christianity. He shut that down in a loving, gracious way and the woman goes on to tell her whole town about who Jesus is because she finally gets it. She finally understands who He is.
He was her redeemer, forgiver, cleanser, and healer. He knew everything about her and YET He loved her deeply. He pursued her despite her. He was compassionate but honest. That's who He was. That's the man she was asking about. Who knew that the very man she would be skeptical of would turn out to be the Messiah who she was patiently waiting on?
I thought about this so much today. My very messed up dreams are not a surprise to Him. He knows me and He knows me so well. He knows my thoughts before I think them and my words before I say them. He is that man to me. A sweet rescuer from a deep pit of a thought life and a continual guard for my restless heart. The one who has walked with me to constantly restore my soul and soak my heart in His love to call me back to Himself. He chased me. He does not let me run away or bury myself without a redemption bell to ring. He chases me and removes the skepticism when I'm not sure what I believe with the merciful reminder of His faithfulness.
On the way home from the hospital tonight, I was listening to Shane & Shane's latest album and the song "You Loved My Heart to Death." I so love the harmony in the song and am just waiting for an invitation to sing it with someone (okay- that's also me being super anxious) but really... The song says: "I chose my pride instead of the Glory of Your Name, oh the wrath of God that I deserve with every breath, fell upon Him and He loved my heart to death."
He gives us life, as undeserving as we once were. He gives us the same living water He offered the Samaritan woman. That is the Man. WALK stands for "What A Loving King" and I could not think of anything more true about the God I love and serve. May you trust Him in this way and know the man that pursues you as I am doing. I'm not there yet. You're not alone in this. -Melis
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