“How can you turn and walk away from the oppressed and
wounded once they stare back into your eyes?” –Christine Caine, Undaunted
This is similar to a question I’ve asked myself multiple
times before. How do I go to school, teach students who desperately need a
mom/aunt/nurse/counselor/sister/care-giver/provider/etc. every day and just
walk away and leave that? The truth is I can’t. I still can’t shake Kevin’s
eyes when he told me his story in my first year of teaching. I still can’t
shake the look on one of my girls’ faces when she brought me a note to tell me
she was pregnant. I can’t shake the look of devastation on one of my girls’
faces when she found out her brother had been killed in another country. I
can’t even shake from today the stories my students told me in conversations
about their family, culture, belief system, and daily life. I can’t shake the
plea of so many of my kids who have just been desperate to have someone care
about them for a moment. To have someone genuinely ask how their day was. I do
my best to do this all the time. But sometimes I fail. Sometimes I lose a
student’s trust. Sometimes I apologize. Sometimes I gain the trust back.
Sometimes I don’t do anything. I fail. I can’t recount the multiple times that
I’ve responded in a way that was disobedient to what God had asked. I can think
of so many times where I’ve said things that shouldn’t have been said. I’ve
overstepped my boundaries numerous times. I am so hard on myself. I’m realizing
that more and more and also realizing more and more how much other people see
that in me.
I’ve been an insane lady lately and to my detriment. I’m
literally exhausted but cannot lie down and sleep. My mind (as usual) runs a
million miles an hour and it rarely turns off, including when I am actually
asleep. Then I just dream about it! So I’ve felt this super amount of stress
and pressure to do more and be more and do the right thing and go back and
correct every wrong. There’s no possible way for me to do every one of those
things. God, in His grace and endless mercy, doesn’t ask me to. During the
message tonight at WALK, Pastor Brian spoke about how the church often acts as
orphans. We do not act like sons and daughters of God. If we all leave and
wander aimlessly, in fear, and always taking and hiding, NO ONE will ever want
to become like Christ! If we begin to walk as sons and daughters, instead of
orphans, people will see that light and want it. Pastor Heiden spoke a bit
after that and just asked us to think about what God wants of us. Ultimately,
God wants us to raise disciples, but in the process, He wants us to know Him
and walk with Him.
After the service tonight, I stayed and spoke with several
friends (basically my family!) about a bunch of different things. J
I am amazed at the way God uses that sweet WALK family of mine to deeply
encourage and love me well. As I was leaving, Heiden just told me he wanted to
share something with me. Yesterday, as he was studying in his office, he was
thinking and reading the Word and it was basically talking about our faith (how
we know Jesus) and our works (what we attempt to do for Jesus—I say attempt
because I am processing how we do anything FOR Jesus). He reminded me the Word
says that more than our works and deeds, God wants us to know Him well. Heiden
said I came to mind and he just felt that God wanted him to share with me that
God is well pleased with me. The craziest thing about this is that I was
reviewing my orphaned failure list during the response time earlier in the
service. I closed my mind and before me, I saw this image of handing a book to
Jesus. The book was filled with all the mistakes I had made. At first, it
seemed Jesus was silently reading them and I sensed that I was deeply ashamed.
Jesus quickly looked at me and gently took the pages of the book and begin
ripping them out. Page by page. Every page was removed. No longer to stay stuck
in my head. Nothing for me to re-read and dwell on. It was the past. Nothing
for him to look at. They were not staying in a recycle pile for Him to pick up
and hold against me. They disappeared never to be seen again. Every mistake and
failure was written in the book. He was silent. There was no need for words.
There were only tears and they turned from fearful tears to faithful tears. The
tears of a grateful heart devoted to a sweet Savior who rescued His daughter
from a great pit. He smiled and then finally said, “Melissa, I am well
pleased.”
God doesn’t want our works. He wants us. More than anything
else. Just us. We are the wounded and oppressed. We are the students who need
their faithful Teacher to stop and care and ask how we are. We are the
desperate eyes peering out of the worn out souls. He is the restorer. He takes
the pages. He replaces them with new pages that only He writes and He sits. He
sits and reads with us. When we are done with the new page, He stops and we
must act in obedience. Then He calls us to sit with Him again, to see if we
should go right or left. He pauses and lets us ask questions. He gives us clear
directions again. He is patient with our faults and the times we choose the
wrong path. Yet, He is well pleased with our willing hearts and faithfulness to
continue to follow Him. He does not need us. He wants us.
Thank you Jesus for stopping and taking much more than a
moment to restore the desperation You saw in my eyes. -Melissa
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