God-Anxious

I feel super God-anxious. Like what's next, why not now, what am I waiting for, is the waiting over yet? It's like my kids will be tomorrow when we travel 5 hours by bus to California-- "Are we there yet? Where are we going first? When do we eat? I have to use the bathroom!"

After all that's gone down over the last few weeks and the changes that have come quickly and gone, after doors have opened and closed and opened and closed again, I am left to wonder, what in the world am I doing? Maybe I'm not even making the right decisions? I'm hiring anyone who will make good decisions for me! (Sort of kidding... but not)

I'm unsettled and I'm not sure if it's multiple reasons or just one. I'm not sure if it's my personal life, my job, people I'm around, I just am not sure. I do know one thing though-- that I trust God. A few weekends back, I had the sweet honor of MCing the Refresher Conference in Las Vegas. As I was praying for the weekend and especially the Friday of, I kept being reminded of this quote:

"Rarely, but probably once in each of our lives, He will back us into a corner where He will hurt us with His piercing questions. Then we will realize that we do love Him far more deeply than our words can ever say." (Oswald Chambers)

I told the ladies there that I felt like a lot of them were in that place. I know they were. Sometimes Satan uses the corners to tell us how worthless and despicable we are and Jesus uses the corners to remind us how much we love and trust Him. I had no idea that as I spoke those very words, I, myself, would be backed into a corner in the following week. That week has seemed to turn into an onslaught of weeks instead. It has been rough. I have gone to school several days (more than ever) not wanting to be there, not wanting to care and not wanting to please anyone. That is not like me AT ALL. I have a crazy genetic work ethic, an overwhelming perfectionistic nature and the ability to lie, I'm a great faker :) (Unfortunately, everything I've said here is true.) Even yesterday, I was having a conversation about God calling me to say yes in my life and that sometimes the yes closes and leads to another yes and so on. That yes turned into a closed door today and I had to stand back with tears in my eyes, and say, "God, I do trust you, more than anything, I trust you."

Even in the car while driving back and forth tonight, He just reminded me of how much He loves me and how much He wants a relationship with me. He is using these yes and no moments to beg me to talk to Him and spend time with Him. I am overwhelmed with not knowing but I must trust Him. I do trust Him. Please pray with me over the next few weeks for peace where there is anxious but more than that, my anxious would be used to make peace with those around me and those in my path. I have been able to share about what Jesus is doing in my life numerous, surprising times and I have been grateful for the response. Thank you for your prayers- I truly, honestly covet them as Jesus continues to see my corners as places of hope and peace. Love, Melis