Daymakers and Depression. Why they need to compromise or why depression needs to be conquered.

So here's the thing. I've admitted I really struggle with depression, so we're over that Great Wall of the Entire World and not just China thing. 

Stop with the under your breath talk about it. Stop with your booing and hissing and dirty looks and all. Let's move on.

I've decided that a match made in Heaven is obviously Jesus over depression but I've also decided that He gives us a lot of things to be thankful for too. I'm all about gratitude. I'm all about telling people how thankful we are for them. I'm all for making people's days. And you know what else I'm all about? Having my day made when it sucks. And sometimes it does. Sometimes we have bad life hours, bad life days, bad life weeks, and bad life months and years. I agree with whoever said that laughter was the best medicine. It is one of the very best and loving Jesus is right there too. Those are the best but in the process of loving Jesus in the middle of an on-again, off-again relationship with depression, I've had some down right day makers. Daymaker giving away their whole life things. That's the good stuff. That's the stuff I want to cover up my life disasters. I want those things to think about and dream about and live about and BE about.

Here's what else I know... I want a daymaker desperately sometimes. And so do other people. So I'm challenging myself this week to make people's days. I don't know what I'll do every day but I do know what made this start. Here's a few things that have made my days over the last week or so...

1. Friday night, I sent an e-mail to a co-worker thanking him for all his help last week preparing for the assembly. When you say thank you, you don't expect anything in return. There's no reason for you're welcome really but sometimes people say it and sometimes they really mean it and you're really grateful that they're really grateful and it starts this awesome day making game. So I get this funny e-mail back this morning saying thank you for the thank you and to let him know if I need any help for anything. That wasn't required AT ALL. No gift was necessary. Appreciated? Yes. So normally when people send e-mails, it's this underlying notion that no one has to actually verbally say anything... but sometimes people do. And I appreciate that too. A face to face conversation. So he comes to my room during my prep and says something like, "I didn't know what to write in that e-mail... I really wanted to write 'I'm speechless' but didn't want that to be taken the wrong way." Excuse me, you're talking to the girl who culturally offends people in other countries while they're in line for their dinner... there are very few things that I'm so easily offended by. He said people rarely say thank you. NO KIDDING. So when people do, no one knows what to say because they're so taken back by what you did say. #truthteller He was, quite frankly, shocked for someone saying thank you for just doing what he needed to do. Between me and whoever reads this, sometimes people just need a day maker. I got to make his day and he made mine by talking face to face with me about it all. Let's make days of people who make ours too... did you follow that?

2. My heart. My kids. They are CRAZY. Today, I jokingly asked my 4th period who was paying them at lunch to act like they don't know what was going on. One kid said he was paying everyone well. I told him it was apparently working and he had good employees. I heard from one of my boys-- little brothers-- today too... DAY MADE. I love knowing what's going on (because I'm nosey and ask a million questions) and I love they check in every once in a while. True family. Maker of days. and days. and days.

3. Teri. You could say my home away from home. Or my mom away from mom. My mom is sure thankful for her. Last Tuesday, she was sitting at Starbucks and invited me over for an hour or so. I love her heart that follows Jesus and is obedient to Him. I love her determination and the way she sticks up for people. She has been known more than once to convince me to meet up with her even when I am having a bad life-life. When I arrive, inevitably, a Starbucks chai (my favorite in case you didn't know) is there already for me to drink out of. She even has the straw in place! One day (a couple of weeks ago), I came home to a book I had wanted outside my door with a ribbon on it that said, "Happy Birthday Quarter!" It's the little things she does... and checking on me when she thinks there's something wrong. She is an all the time day maker. I want to be an all the time day maker! 

4. My boss is awesome. I would work for him any day of the week in any school in any place. As I was walking out last week taking a deep breath, I had stopped to ask him something totally unrelated to anything he was discussing. So interesting that I can't even remember what it is... oh yeah-- water for the assembly since it was outside and a million degrees the following day. He made sure to look me straight in the face and give this word hoarder of a girl (aka me) some words of affirmation that I needed. I don't know how he knew I needed them but I did. He said he was glad I was there, working for him. I'm SO thankful, overwhelmingly thankful that people see when days need to be made and they just make them.

5. Jamberry is going well. I'm constantly encouraged by my team and thankful for the ladies that invest in the business but also invest in others. I'm also super excited that I have a consultant that's now on my team, a sweet, Godly young woman who is with me on this! Hoping for a few more too :) But until then, I have a highly successful, very fun party going on at the moment. Makes my morning, day, night, not just because of money but because making other peoples' days make mine! I don't know how much more I can emphasize that!

Those five things... defeat my depression. They have a love/hate relationship. Depression doesn't like daymakers but daymakers can't stand depression. But I think they need to compromise or the daymakers need to take over. It is the grace of God and the love and compassion of my Savior who places people in my life that speak Truth and aren't afraid to speak up. People who aren't afraid to make days for other people and not just themselves.

Take this challenge with me! Let's make someone's day... in the small things. Buying them an ice cream or telling them you love that color on them. Speak up for them. Speak up to them and say something that will... make.their.day. World changers are day makers. I want to see a changed world, even if it's just small and around me so I want to make days. You in? I'm assuming you just answered yes out loud to the computer screen. Okay, maybe that was just me. Regardless. I'm daymaking.

-Melis

My eagerly awaited Life Decisions (x2)... They're probably not what you think.

About a week ago, I posted on Facebook that I had made two big life decisions that I was pretty excited about. {Pause-rant. I do not apologize at all for this one because I'm annoyed enough to say some pretty intensely rude things here.}

One of the life decisions was not that I'm getting married at the moment. I will get to the life decisions in a minute. One day? Yes. Is there someone at the moment? No.... and really, is it any of your business? Possibly not, depending on who you are. I guess we all get to decide what we share and what we don't share. And while we're on this topic, let me say something and I absolutely mean this. Please consider before you say anything or ask when I'm getting married or why I'm not married. I realize that not everyone means to be offensive but most of the time, it is not taken the way you mean it, so please stop asking. Telling me that I'm such a great girl and you can't believe I'm not married does NOT encourage me. When I know when I'm getting married, you will know. When I know who I'm marrying, you will know. So please (as I told one of my kids today), open up your purse/wallet and get a chill pill and take it. For Heaven's sake, I have to chill out about it and, quite frankly, I'm ready for you to do the same. I'm insecure enough on my own without a million questions being asked about something I'm already super insecure about. I know I'm not the only single girl that feels this pain so PLEASE RECONSIDER BEFORE YOU SAY ANYTHING. 

Now, with that being said, the great news is that I have successfully made two big decisions in the last couple of weeks that I'm pretty excited about. Back to the positive attention and news. 

1. I am quitting stress. If whatever you're saying or doing is unnecessary and causing me extra thinking over nothing, do not think twice about me bowing out of the conversation or excusing myself. I am choosing not to listen to this. I know that sounds insane. How do you quit something that you're addicted to? Well, it will be a process, but I have to move in that direction. No reason really for anyone to be stressed all the time and I'm so over it. So I'm quitting. There, I said it, more publicly than before. I'm quitting my addiction to stress.

2. I have decided to be an independent consultant with a small company named Jamberry. It's a nail wrap company that allows me to get extra income, while throwing parties for people who love pretty, fancy nails. I'm just starting and am looking to throw parties for family and friends, who don't just want to support me, but also want to try the nail wraps. I was super excited when I first tried them back in June and have gotten lots of compliments on them. After hosting a party on Facebook in August, I decided that I, too, wanted to sell the nail wraps (and the lacquers and the application fun stuff) in order to help pay off student loans in a faster way, as well as pay for travel and getting to do some extra stuff that I sometimes don't do. My lead has been very supportive and loves Jesus and Africa so I feel like we will continue to get along well and she has been EXTREMELY helpful in so many little things.

I'm thrilled to be doing things I love with less stress and more encouragement and support for myself. If I have learned anything in the last year, it's that I have to take care of myself and both of these things are not selfish but they do help me stay healthy (in general-stress causes my physical body ridiculous amounts of sickness) and they help me accomplish goals I have set, while also getting to be who I am and getting to do what I love.

For those of you who are always supportive and encouraging, thank you from the bottom of my heart. I absolutely love and adore many of you and am grateful for the time I get to spend with you and the way you care for me and about me. I know so many people who put others ahead of themselves and I'm just thankful that sometimes that person is me who gets to be thought of. If you have a specific question about anything here, please just message me on Facebook or contact me. I look forward to sharing more about this in the coming months!

Love, Melis

By the way, this is my web site if you want to look at the nail wraps :)
Melissa's Jamberry Nails Site

It matters more that I care than I teach.

This morning in our regular staff meeting to begin school, my principal started by reading a RAVE Review. A RAVE Review is an award given to a teacher or staff member who does something outstanding and can be nominated by a student, teacher, administrator, parent, etc. They are pretty cool awards and I had never received one before last year when one of my colleagues who is very kind wrote one up for me. I was incredibly grateful and thought it was of the utmost sincerity. When my principal began to read this one this morning, my brain racked thinking, "Who wrote that?? Which student was that? It had to be a student who gave it! Was it at Global? Could it be from Mack?" I was floored and if I wouldn't have been sitting in a room full of people, I would have just wept. The words were beyond kind. They were written from the truest form-- a tender heart of a previous student, one whom I had for 3 years in my Leadership program at Mack. I absolutely still adore this student as she begins her sophomore year of high school eager to do well in her magnet program and continuing her long lasting legacy of a Student Council career. I sent her a message to tell her thank you and see how she's doing and she reminded me that she "truly" meant everything she had written. Can I just share what she wrote with you? Not to brag. Not to draw attention to myself. Not to act like I'm better than other people and not to make you compare your career or calling to mine. I want to share it for a different reason but just read it first...

"Ms. Gillespie has been the most welcoming, spirited, loving, involved, dedicated person I have ever encountered. Nobody can compare when it comes to her passion for the children she leads and teaches. Her endless love and hope brought me to a place that I never really dreamed of; she makes her life revolve around her students and she touches the hearts of so many. Never could I put together the words to say thank you for all she did. She has forever changed my life because she made me a better person. I am thankful for every second I spent with her. She deserves the best and I wish her the best and all the recognition in the world." 

You have no idea how many times I flat out failed with this girl, with this group, with those kids. How many times I left school in failure tears, not joyful tears. You have no idea how many times I stopped in the middle of a Leadership class to chastise them and make them think and then make myself think as a part of my punishment. You have no idea how many times I had to apologize for saying the things I said and doing the things I do. It is always amazing to me that, often, those are the things I remembered. The times I totally screwed up and why every kid I've ever taught should dislike me more than like me.

Gratitude has a way of reminding us of the things that were done well in the midst of feeling like utter messes. It doesn't remember the failures but it sometimes laugh as if they were a silly joke that wasn't real. No one follows up with those. No one who cares anyways. They remember the positive things, the things that made a difference, the moments that mattered. When I think about this sweet girl, I think about how she came in as a timid 6th grader with her best friend at her side. He was in my Leadership class too and they remained best friends throughout middle school (and still are VERY good friends!). I took them to Disney twice for a Leadership series and they traveled to Washington, DC with my group of kids in 2013. They were in my class all three years of teaching Leadership at Mack. I have a video of them at a fundraiser when they were in 6th grade and they looked so very little. Now, they're mature and independent and very well-versed.

Seeing her dream come true in DC as she stood
at the site of JFK's grave and thought about her
roles models and dreams. Beautiful thoughts.

When we went to Disney, she had their entire trip completely mapped out between both parks and the order of rides based on times and locations, including where they would eat lunch and their group of friends ran along. There were also days where she was incredibly heart broken and cried. She struggled with many different things, which will remain nameless for her heart's sake and my mind's sake. She was optimistic and always hopeful. She wanted more. Her older sister inspired her and her younger sister followed their footsteps and their parents were happy they were all doing well. When I picture all of the things we did together as a group, I see multiple times where both of them (my two kids) would laugh. They would laugh so hard, they would cry. Sometimes in the middle of class. Sometimes after school in my room at 4:30. Sometimes in the middle of a very serious event. Sometimes at a camp where none of us were sure what was going on. Sometimes when someone hid under a table and when another one of the girls acted completely ridiculous. Playing games, making fun of each other, normal every day things. Lots of laughter. Lots and lots and lots of laughter.

I think more than any of that, her letter to me, in a very personal (but public) form made me realize something very important. KIDS CARE MORE THAT I CARE THAN WHAT I TEACH THEM. I can teach them every piece of factual information in the world and be the smartest person on the planet but without any type of love or kindness or compassion for them, I can forget it, there's no point in doing what I do. I realized in teaching my little author of sweet letters that who I am in the classroom matters more than what I teach. The things my kids still remember are the funniest moments, the most embarrassing moments, or their happiest moments and they had nothing to do with teaching Social Studies, or even Leadership. They were just moments that mattered. What I do every day matters. Taking 3 minutes to listen to a personal story matters. Taking an extra interest in my kids' families matters. Going to extra events and wishing them the best on whatever they are working on Matters. I pray that as God continues to call me to teach in a public school system that He would continue to use me to bring hope to the hopeless, peace to the fear-ridden one and laughter to the one who's never enjoyed life before.

As usual, I'm overwhelmed, but so grateful for the great responsibility God has given me. Where is your influence? Who are you when they're around? Do they have even an inkling that you care? Praying you get it too as I continue to learn.

Love, Melis

The Night Before Returning to School.... Officially Returning.

Teacher dreams are real my friends and if you are a teacher, you know what I'm talking about, and if you're not, then I can't think of an equivalent but bear with me. ((Sarcastic me would just like to point out that you clicked to read this-- so basically, you're welcome! :) ))

The other night I had a dream that I was a substitute teacher in an elementary school. The teacher who left must have been the most amazing teacher on the planet. My dream lasted the span of multiple days in class and, yes, I was only asleep for a few hours. I'm pretty sure we went on a field trip to a creek nearby and saw a snake but none of the kids were bit or drowned so I felt successful. Unfortunately, when we go back to this classroom, which was just a really weird room isolated from every other classroom at this dream school, I overheard one of the little boys tell another kid that his teacher had said I would be good, but I wasn't.

BOOM. Wake up right then. WHAT?!?!?!? How do these types of dreams happen?? I don't know but I'm sure that I'll have about a million more before students show up in my classroom next week. For now, I will just prepare myself for time spent in my room decorating. Which for me means hanging up enough pictures of myself that students realize I have a life outside of school but I still have a job. I'll do a few bulletin boards for their learning benefit too. I'll have time spent in meetings on new initiatives and new ideas and new things that the school district is doing that we are all figuring out how to use after we yell at the technology specialist at the school on why our printer is not working. I'll get the list of my students and some names I will recognize but most I will not and I will wonder if they like me or if they know me already or if they have brothers or sisters or if, if, if, if...

But you know what? Tonight is my last official night of non-freedom/freedom because I start work tomorrow. Promptly, my staff breakfast will begin at 7:30 am. I will have been awake for about 2.5 hours by then and should surely have enough caffeine and sugar in my system to last me for the 3 hours of morning meetings. So tonight, I will write a blog, stare at the ceiling, wonder what I've forgotten, yell at Facebook because I can't beat this level of Candy Crush and I'll use all my extra lives that have been sent to me, and then I'll attempt to sleep but probably wake up nauseous because I just seem to do that these days.

Here's to a new school year. Meetings, new co-workers, coffee trucks and classroom decorations. New ideas, gift card giveaways, teaching students how to make posters, and making kids cry. Here's to celebrating successes, birthdays, promotions, and overcoming obstacles. Here's to moving mountains, watching mountains move, speaking English to my sweet Anthony with the biggest grin on his face and morning talks with my boys this year. Jokes, practical jokes, observations and visitors, and me giving the death stare to someone who says something ridiculous to me. Here's to sarcasm and kindness, compassion and fear, and another school year for the books where I can make a student laugh, smile, be kind, and show leadership.

I'm probably not going to sleep without normal teacher nightmares or wondering where I put my dry erase markers, but regardless, I'm ready for a routine and I'm excited to see my new and old kids.

Happy school year! -Melis

You can have it.

I've been back in America officially for 1 week and 3 days. They have been a little bit... hmm... what's the word(s)? Crazy...overwhelming...mean...heartless...loving...MUCH. Maybe the word I'm looking for is much. In between the pool days and afternoons, the meals with close friends, the birthday parties, the church going, the long drive to work one morning, and the sleep, and the stomach hating everything I eat, it has been much. And I knew it would be.

I literally got on a plane and left a caring group of people who I smiled with each day, made jokes with, laughed with, and who felt compassion when I got the worst 24 hour stomach virus I've had since I was in high school. (I seriously had not thrown up in like 15 years until this Africa trip... who am I anymore.) It's not that the group of people that I came back into didn't care or love me the same as they did when I left but I've learned something important in traveling. Life. Goes. On. Whether I'm on the other side of the country for a family vacation, a few days with students in another city, or in Africa, life doesn't stop for everyone else. It. Goes. On. So coming back into a life that has gone on while mine has with a different heartbeat on the other side of the planet can be a little much as well.

I cried when I left church the other day because I was so overwhelmed with how loud but quiet it was around me. Part of that is my introverted nature. Part of that is being alone in a crowd, a feeling that is not new for me. Part of that is sometimes (mostly ME) get so caught up in ourselves, we say, "Did you have a good trip?" But we really don't mean it. #guilty #sosoguilty 

This is what I saw in Zambia: a group of people who have nothing except Jesus and each other. And I want that. I. so. desperately. want. THAT. To love Jesus and other people and have everything else work itself out because I am so focused on the relationships. So focused on how compassionate and loving I can be to others. So not focused on the tasks or the checklists.

My stuff is in my way. My Target addiction and my love for Starbucks Chai with a million extra pumps so it almost sets my throat on fire is in my way. My unrighteous anger at other people when they don't care about others is in my way. My need for attention and for people to constantly check on me is in my way. And you know what? You can have it. Because I want it but I don't and there's this internal battle that is beating me up most days because what I so badly want is not what I have and what I so badly have is not what I really, truly want. 

So this is my prayer... and I'm not even going to ask you to pray the same because I feel insane in this enough on my own. (So if you do pray this, it's not because you were asked, it's because you were willing :) )

Jesus- Take my fancy and un-fancy things. Take my time and attention and relationships. Take my focus and eyes and ears and mouth and speak into them and around them what only You would have. Take my Starbucks and turn those fierce iced Chai's into conversations about You. Take my need for attention and starve it and set my attention and affection on You. Take every Target shopping trip, even for the necessities and let me slow down and SEE other people. Because it's really not about me at all. It was always you. I have all these things but you know what? You can have them. Take it. You can have it all. And when I ask you why I'm hurting, allow me to think outside of myself and let someone else have my compassion and empathy and tears so they can hurt harder. And when I ask you if it's worth it, remind me of Sunday, Golden, Nelson, Dorothy, Peggy, Holly, Charles and Helen, Lorrin and Christopher, Kennedy, artistic Erick and Dennis the Menace. Remind me of the teachers we trained and the kids who put rocks on my feet. Remind me of the selfless service of Christopher and the dancing feet of Gabriel. Remind me of Olivia's arms around my waist and Kennedy's squished face against mine. Remind me of Meka's toothbrush and Kairos' grin. Remind me of the little boy who I "fought" with daily in Makwati just to make him smile. Those things are what it's about. Caring so much about others that I forget me in the process. So take what you want from me and set me apart for you because I want YOU to have it more than anyone else. Love-Melissa

Depression.

Depression is often so silent that we did not even notice it's return. We did not see the signs of it's arrival. We knew something wasn't quite right but we just weren't sure why. Something unsettling, something causing the waiting to be more difficult, the friendships to be more strained, the listening ear to be closed and the eyes to be distant. 

"I'm tired."

"I don't feel well."

"I'm exhausted." 

And every. single. one. of those things are true. 

We begin to point out all the sad and disappointing things in others to realize how badly they are hurting others and then the flood of emotion hits us at THE MOST inappropriate, unwelcomed, and uninvited time. In a restaurant at lunch. At a birthday party or dinner with a friend. We run as fast as we can home and close the curtains because the beast has reared it's ugly head and we don't want anyone to know. 

So we hide and sometimes people feel compassion or pity or both and they check on us and we are angry with them while also being extremely thankful.

Slide a peek through the curtains dear. Go sit outside and take in some fresh air. Stare at the moving clouds and take a deep breath because we feel our head is spinning. Because we understand the way the clouds feel. Runaways. Cowards. We felt that too but the clouds remind us there's a whole group of us fighting that depression/loneliness/isolation monster. And we don't have to. 

Never alone. Always with me and in me and using my story. Which seems like a beat up car in a junkyard on most days. But it's actually the prized possession, the trophy. The sought after gem that will not be sold because the price is much too high. 

To Jesus. You are a divine rescuer, my great redeemer and the lifter of my head. 

-Melis

"For you, O Lord, have delivered my soul from death, my eyes from tears, my feet from stumbling." Psalm 116:8

You remain near.

My prayer today.... 

Jesus-

Thank you for your unchanging faithfulness to me. Thank you that you do not leave or forsake me. You do not walk away when I give up for a minute or cry or when I find myself so discouraged. You remain near. So beautifully near. When I distance myself and I run. You are a patient chaser, so gentle with my thoughts, insecurities, inadequacies, and short comings. When I drop everything to pursue momentary pleasures- you still love me. Deeply. With kindness and compassion. 

You let me be real and raw and honest and authentic. You are truly "loving toward all You have made." Thank you for what you are doing in me, even when I fear it and I don't understand it and I, sometimes, don't even like it. You remain near. So beautifully near and I absolutely love that about you. 

Love, Melissa