Out with the old, in with the new!

Here's to a new year full of change and newness. I was trying to figure out the best way to compile the good and bad of the last 12 months and have narrowed them down to the following. A list would be the only appropriate way to share.  

1. Quitting my job: I never imagined I would leave Mack. I had pretty much assumed that I would teach there for the entirety of my teaching career in Vegas. But that didn't happen and I was extremely anxious about what felt like starting over. 

2. Changing schools: Who knew it would be the best decision for me!!?? (Well apparently there were a lot more people than I thought.) I love my kids and am grateful to be able to actually teach, have students who are interested and spending a lot of time actually caring about kids who reciprocate the feeling. One told me that he had never had a teacher who treated him like he was a human being before. I felt honored to be the one but embarrassed that he's a senior and has thought that of so few people in his life. 

3. Kids in DC: One of my life dreams is to take kids I know from school with me to Africa. Planning the DC trip with Katie and Sara helped me realize that it is possible to take groups of students to brand new places and have them be aware of places before they leave. It was also proof that students could walk for 10 miles without complaining. 

4. Sister's wedding: There's so much excitement when people you love have dreams come true-- that was Trista's wedding for me. It was beautiful. I sang at the wedding, which has become a rare occasion for me, and enjoyed being a bridesmaid with my crazy cousin and friend from high school. I love Trista and am grateful to be a part of her big day.

5. Said yes to Africa again for 2014: I stood on the beaches of Southern California and laughed and dreamed with girls for Africa. I'm thrilled to know that I'll be taking a few of those students across the world in July of this year to play with kids, sing and dance, and continue to say YES to what God is leading me to. 

6. Said yes to student ministry: After being out of student ministry in a church building for almost 4 years, I jumped back in to a small group of senior girls who were feisty, funny and loved Jesus. 

7. Been as tired as ever: Kristi finally looked at me a couple of months ago and did not hesitate to tell me I needed to stop doing something and I needed to figure out what that was. So I'm doing that. Currently. 

8. Completed the most exhausting internship on the planet: It is literally beyond me how people student teach and work a full time job. They should be paid double time. After surviving, like barely not drowning for a whole semester, I am thankful to say that 200 hours, on top of a full time job, a personal life and being super involved at church, is completed. 

9. Refresher Girls' Event: I am grateful to say that 150 girls and leaders were changed by the Gospel of love and restoration at the beginning of November. I served with some of the most incredible women on the planet and I was grateful to lead this event. 

10. The realization of the clear voice inside of me that's effective when it comes out: I was told by one of my students that for the first week of school, I turned red everytime I talked to them. Speaking in front of people scares me to no end but I've realized that once I open my mouth, it works. I can do it and do it well. At the Refresher women's event and at Refuge, I've been given multiple times to share tidbits of what God is changing and refining in me. The realization that I'm not alone in 90% of those emotions has been a propeller for me to say yes to this more. 

11. Completion of my Master's degree: finally!! After only a year and a half, I have completed my Master's Degree in Education specializing in Administrative Leadership. Basically, I can be an assistant principal or principal one day. If that's not scary, I don't know what is. 

12. I Belong: It was the last series Hope had for 2013 but it is at very least, an adequate description of the last year of my life. I am now in a small group of women who encourage me and share honestly and genuinely. I am a small part of an upcoming church plant of people who are in similar life stages and seasons and make me feel like I am missed even if they know I'm running late. I love both of these groups, as well as the multiple people I have reconnected to and those who spend their lives sharing with others, like me. 

2013 was a somewhat semi-lonely and hard year but it was also a fulfilling and overwhelming year and I'm looking forward to a fabulous 2014 with sweet changes and big dreams!! What are you dreaming of this year?? Love you all and grateful for your prayers, encouragement and thoughts to get me here! 

#bringiton2014 -Melis

Why I Didn't Know Anything 10 Years Ago... And Still Don't.

In a few short hours, I celebrate 29. What the heck has happened with my life?

I feel like I should be sitting in a Starbucks doing homework trying to figure out what I'm supposed to do with my life. Oh wait... I still am. I'm in the last 2 weeks of completing my Master's Degree. (Let's have a moment of celebration of that, shall we????!!!) Ten years ago, I was praying I made it through my first year of college without failing out. High school DID NOT prepare me for college regardless of what everyone in my life told me. They were convinced that I would be fully successful in college and it would change my life. Well it did and not in the way I thought it would. And so did the rest of my life.

Let's make some comparisons:
19: Thought I would sin less as I grew up and "matured."
29: Realizing that I am intellectually smarter now than I was then but I justify more sin, there's not less sin in my life.

19: "Note taking queen"(yeah freakin' right.)
29: My journals are in various colors and I've assumed that everyone uses my system of outlining and note taking in their church sermons. Oh, you don't?

19: Naive as ever
29: Naive as ever

19: Ready to be independent and be a "grown-up"
29: Taking back all of my words that I wanted to be a grown-up. Growing up sucks.

19: Wanted to be around people who just fluffed me up and encouraged me.

29: Want to be around people who tell me the truth and encourage me.

19: Thought I had my life figured out. Married at 22. Kids by 25. Teaching and being Teacher of the Year by 23.
29: My life is a hot mess. Adequate. Not married. 1,000 kids over the last 6 years. I actually was chosen as Teacher of the Year during my 3rd year of teaching (25) and I was completely floored and shocked when I realized exactly what it was.

19: In a few years, I'll be living in Chattanooga or Atlanta. Probably won't leave the country.
29: Living in Las Vegas. Been to Africa 4 times and I'm planning my 5th trip for next summer. Will I ever leave Las Vegas? What am I doing with my life?

19: Have relationships figured out.
29: Let's refer back to the hot mess account. Nothing in relationships is figured out.

19: My professors have no idea what types of obstacles I've created for myself.
29: My kids have no idea what types of obstacles they create for themselves.

19: I'm amazing.
29: I'm an idiot.

So, as you can see. Most things are different. I'm still ridiculous. Clearly. I still don't know much of anything. Clearly. And I hope that your life is never what you hope and more than what you dream. Happy last year of 20's to me!

-Melissa

You keep painting white walls.

This past summer at camp with high schoolers from Hope, I heard a speaker share this story (apologize that some of the details may be a little different as I remember it!):

There was a painter who gave a man a room. The painter told the man, "You can paint the room any color you would like but I promise that you will like white best." At first the man agreed and enjoyed the white walls but after a while, he realized that he would like a new color so he begged the painter to paint his room red. The painter reminded the man of how beautiful the room was in white and how disappointed the man would be with a red room. The man changed his mind and decided to keep the white room. After much time, the man again approached the painter and begged (even more this time) to paint the room red. The painter tried to persuade the man but the man would not and could not be swayed. The room had to be red. The painter reluctantly painted his white room very red. After the walls were completed, the man realized he didn't like the red walls and really agreed with the painter that white was best for the room. The painter patiently repainted the room white. The man was at peace again but the painter had been hurt the man had asked for the room to be red. The painter knew the best color was white.

This is one of the best and most beautiful pictures I've ever had shared with me about Gods best. In the story, God is the painter and I (and you) are represented by the man. God insists that we have white walls and His likeness. We beg him to please give us what we want and, in turn, paint the walls red time and again. The amazing thing about God is He always repaints. He warns us that we wil not like the red paint and even begs us not to choose the color; yet we do. Over and over again. After the walls are red, we run back to God crying and asking why our walls are red, as if it's His fault that we chose sin for ourselves. 

I'm guilty of painting red walls with my selfish choices, sinful thoughts and unclear vision of what He wants. I paint red with my blatant disobedience to the small and big things. I paint red when I don't tell the Truth and I don't approach people with love. I choose red walls when I live in an impure mindset and beg God to let me have what I want. 

He knows best. Without question. He doesn't miss a beat. He always paints white, even when my walls are deeply stained and engrained in red. He lovingly paints white while I sit in my sin. He pursues me and does not stop. I must get to the end of myself and choose white walls. I know Gods best but I don't always choose. It's like I've looked at the white walls and enjoyed them but played the "What if?" game with the walls and questioned whether white is actually the best. It is. It always is.

Thank you Jesus that you always choose white walls for me. You paint white walls over the red I have chosen for myself. Thank you for the process and the endurance in which you pursue me. 

-Melissa 

A book, a rescue, and a message.

“How can you turn and walk away from the oppressed and wounded once they stare back into your eyes?” –Christine Caine, Undaunted

This is similar to a question I’ve asked myself multiple times before. How do I go to school, teach students who desperately need a mom/aunt/nurse/counselor/sister/care-giver/provider/etc. every day and just walk away and leave that? The truth is I can’t. I still can’t shake Kevin’s eyes when he told me his story in my first year of teaching. I still can’t shake the look on one of my girls’ faces when she brought me a note to tell me she was pregnant. I can’t shake the look of devastation on one of my girls’ faces when she found out her brother had been killed in another country. I can’t even shake from today the stories my students told me in conversations about their family, culture, belief system, and daily life. I can’t shake the plea of so many of my kids who have just been desperate to have someone care about them for a moment. To have someone genuinely ask how their day was. I do my best to do this all the time. But sometimes I fail. Sometimes I lose a student’s trust. Sometimes I apologize. Sometimes I gain the trust back. Sometimes I don’t do anything. I fail. I can’t recount the multiple times that I’ve responded in a way that was disobedient to what God had asked. I can think of so many times where I’ve said things that shouldn’t have been said. I’ve overstepped my boundaries numerous times. I am so hard on myself. I’m realizing that more and more and also realizing more and more how much other people see that in me.

I’ve been an insane lady lately and to my detriment. I’m literally exhausted but cannot lie down and sleep. My mind (as usual) runs a million miles an hour and it rarely turns off, including when I am actually asleep. Then I just dream about it! So I’ve felt this super amount of stress and pressure to do more and be more and do the right thing and go back and correct every wrong. There’s no possible way for me to do every one of those things. God, in His grace and endless mercy, doesn’t ask me to. During the message tonight at WALK, Pastor Brian spoke about how the church often acts as orphans. We do not act like sons and daughters of God. If we all leave and wander aimlessly, in fear, and always taking and hiding, NO ONE will ever want to become like Christ! If we begin to walk as sons and daughters, instead of orphans, people will see that light and want it. Pastor Heiden spoke a bit after that and just asked us to think about what God wants of us. Ultimately, God wants us to raise disciples, but in the process, He wants us to know Him and walk with Him.

After the service tonight, I stayed and spoke with several friends (basically my family!) about a bunch of different things. J I am amazed at the way God uses that sweet WALK family of mine to deeply encourage and love me well. As I was leaving, Heiden just told me he wanted to share something with me. Yesterday, as he was studying in his office, he was thinking and reading the Word and it was basically talking about our faith (how we know Jesus) and our works (what we attempt to do for Jesus—I say attempt because I am processing how we do anything FOR Jesus). He reminded me the Word says that more than our works and deeds, God wants us to know Him well. Heiden said I came to mind and he just felt that God wanted him to share with me that God is well pleased with me. The craziest thing about this is that I was reviewing my orphaned failure list during the response time earlier in the service. I closed my mind and before me, I saw this image of handing a book to Jesus. The book was filled with all the mistakes I had made. At first, it seemed Jesus was silently reading them and I sensed that I was deeply ashamed. Jesus quickly looked at me and gently took the pages of the book and begin ripping them out. Page by page. Every page was removed. No longer to stay stuck in my head. Nothing for me to re-read and dwell on. It was the past. Nothing for him to look at. They were not staying in a recycle pile for Him to pick up and hold against me. They disappeared never to be seen again. Every mistake and failure was written in the book. He was silent. There was no need for words. There were only tears and they turned from fearful tears to faithful tears. The tears of a grateful heart devoted to a sweet Savior who rescued His daughter from a great pit. He smiled and then finally said, “Melissa, I am well pleased.”

God doesn’t want our works. He wants us. More than anything else. Just us. We are the wounded and oppressed. We are the students who need their faithful Teacher to stop and care and ask how we are. We are the desperate eyes peering out of the worn out souls. He is the restorer. He takes the pages. He replaces them with new pages that only He writes and He sits. He sits and reads with us. When we are done with the new page, He stops and we must act in obedience. Then He calls us to sit with Him again, to see if we should go right or left. He pauses and lets us ask questions. He gives us clear directions again. He is patient with our faults and the times we choose the wrong path. Yet, He is well pleased with our willing hearts and faithfulness to continue to follow Him. He does not need us. He wants us.

Thank you Jesus for stopping and taking much more than a moment to restore the desperation You saw in my eyes. -Melissa

Perfect Ponytails and Prom Dresses

At some point or another in your life, more than likely, looks have meant something. I was a cheerleader when I was younger and therefore you had to have a "perfect ponytail." This was so the ribbon looked just right when you jumped up and down (in pictures that will never be cute-- sorry ladies) and so you could see your name monogrammed perfectly down one side. That was probably more of a Southern thing than anything else. REGARDLESS. My dream was to have a great, jump-swooshing, hot ponytail. It didn't happen when I was younger. The other day it happened and you know what.... NO ONE CARED. Be honest. If you saw me, you thought either nothing or "Oh, she pulled her up and probably didn't wash it." HA-- I did wash it so there's that. The point of the previous paragraph is to say, "Most of the time people don't care about the things I care about." Like the way I look or dress or whether I brush my teeth-- no one really cares. They just don't. (I keep saying this to myself-- sorry, you're having to read it multiple times as well.)

At the beginning of the week, I posted a picture of my Senior Prom. I'm not going to lie-- the dress I wore was stunning. I felt like a million dollar mermaid in it (whatever that even means). Yes, people told me I looked pretty in it and that was fine. That's not really the point. Prom and the way I looked was the way I thought I would look for the rest of my life (without the feeling of a million bobby pins in my head-- that was just painful). You know what? No one remembers that dress except me. And Trista, my sister. She loved that dress so much that when I was at home last year or the year before, she INSISTED I try it on again. The dress was still beautiful. Still one of my favorite colors. It was way too expensive (thanks Mom and Dad!) but it was beautiful for a day.

I am vain. The song was probably written about me. Literally. I'm always floored with the things people say to me or about me because it gives me a lot more credit than I am worthy of. My mind often centers around what I look like, what people think about me, and what compliments I should or could receive. That's ridiculous. I'm not above anyone else or better than anyone else. After I finally get over the vanity concept, maybe then I can work more on my comparison ordeal. I'm not sure if you can identify with this need for acceptance. Maybe more this need for acceptance in the way you look.

In reading Proverbs, I'm constantly floored with the idea that to be focused on vanity is purely foolish and if I would take a minute to stop looking in the mirror and focus on my character and what God looks at--my heart-- I would be more patient, more compassionate, more caring, etc. with the people around me. I would actually care consistently and I would love well. Jesus was able to love well because he wasn't vain. He wasn't worried about the way he looked or what the crowds of people listening to him thought. Yet, He approached all things with grace more and more. May I do the same. Will you pray for me? I'm grateful I'm being redefined in this area of my life. -Melis

So now I'll brag, part 2.

An assembly of 200 students is VASTLY different than 1300 students.
High schoolers are so different than middle schoolers.
When you know everyone in a small school, you just talk to the person on the stage next to you- nothing's formal.

These are the things I experienced today as we hosted our Back to School Assembly. It has rained everyday this week EXCEPT today. I was so grateful for a clear sky this morning and a venti iced chai on my way to school. Sometimes God just gives us His goodness. I'm so thankful.

These are a few things I've experienced over the last couple of weeks at school...
1. I have one student who's goal this year is to teach me Spanish, teach me to dance, and says genuine nice things asking for nothing in return.
2. My thug child is maybe one of my favorites. He reminds me so much of a past student but he just likes me for some reason and He's smart. He's so smart and he doesn't mind being smart. Although he was upset that I didn't tell him happy birthday, even though I didn't know it was his birthday. Sorry!
3. The girls in Student Council have the strongest personalities but they are really coming around. I think they've decided they liked me but don't tell them because then they will probably change their minds.
4. They are calling me Ms. Gillespie- not Miss, miss, miss.
5. I was asked last week why I was not wearing a dress. I've worn one almost every day since school starts. They just pay attention.
6. Did I mention they do their work and they don't complain? Except this one. And I'm going to defeat that monster ASAP. THEY DO THEIR WORK. I just want to make sure that's clear. They want to make good grades. They ask for help if they don't understand.
7. Oh yeah, and I just need to say for the record. Krista did the worm at the assembly. The kids went nuts. It was AWESOME.
8. I've received a candy bar from one of my sweet girls twice.
9. My Juniors are such perfectionists. They color in the lines, outline everything, and always use a ruler. I hate to even ask them to hurry as I think it will make them feel bad. They are so sweet.

I think that's enough. Enough to brag about. I get up in the morning and I don't want to be awake but IF I am, I'm glad I get to work with these kids. Seriously so glad. Just love them. Also a great staff to work with.

What do you have to brag about?? Hope it's more than the fact that it's just the weekend!
-Melis

You. Are. Mine.

I have struggled with insecurity today. 

I have fought with the enemy.  

He won a few small battles but that's it. 

I have been anxious and have cried.

I have confessed and have been honest. 

I have been alert and have been watchful.

I have stepped back in humiliation for God to tell me how in humility He served me.

I have set my eyes on Jesus while the enemy has fought to remove my sight.

I have shaken the hand of my adversary and God has fought him in a war that only He wins. 

I have held my shield of faith against me while I waged one-on-one with my sword of Truth.

I have prayed out loud and have also reminded the enemy how weak He actually is.

He has told me I am not to be trusted,

But my God speaks that I am trustworthy.

The enemy has confronted me with how weak I am and My God's strength finished the sentence. 

The enemy has said I am inadequate and God has reminded me how fearfully and wonderfully I have been made. 

The enemy has reminded me of how unworthy I am to have a job I love and God sweetly spoke to me of how deep a call He has placed in me.

I have called a friend and they said everything will be fine.

I asked Jesus and He said when I wander, He will search and find me. 

In my worry and anxiety and fear, I give the enemy steps to gain.

In my declaration of God's glory and my good over everything in my life, I have given supreme authority to the creator of all things and I have given Him the full range of the battlefield. 

Make no mistake, the enemy is not set back by my own misgivings and imperfections. He thrives there.

And yet, as I sat worried and a little shaken by how hard the enemy has fought today. God yelled over all my shortcomings and faults and worries and stresses and He said something that finished the war completely...

"You. Are. Mine." 

Those three words were enough to silence the enemy. 

He cannot wage war any longer. 

It has been won. Jesus is victorious. 

He takes the battleground singlehandedly  and carries His trophy across the field. 

From the pit I jumped in.

From the roads and hills I wandered.

From the deep place of isolation.

He kept me. I am His. 

Or as He speaks softly close enough that only I can hear, 

"You. Are. Mine."

I pray those words speak life and that only. May the enemy be silenced in Jesus's name. 

 -Melis