Stealing a million bucks.

This year I am struggling to connect to students. I stress about it, it makes me feel like I'm not doing my job. I feel like I have become the wicked witch/dictator of the west. It's not really an okay feeling. I think it's funny sometimes that the kids mention they are scared of me to me but for goodness' sakes, this group of kids need to be scared of something or someone!!

My third year teaching I had a phenomenal group of kids. I know I've mentioned them in several blogs- faces and names that I will never forget because they made me and allowed me to love my job. On my birthday that year, I received more love than I had felt in a long time, it wasn't just gifts- they were thoughtful. It wasn't just chocolate cake- it was Ms. Gillespie likes chocolate and we think she would like this. There were sweet cards and flowers and songs. It was maybe one of the best birthdays of my life thus far. I felt loved most of the time that year. When I talked and shared something personal, there wasn't an expression that said I was lying... There were moments of "she was me 10 years ago." She's not really that different. She's human. They made me feel like a million bucks most of the time.

I realized tonight in my personal weekly reflection that I struggle with kids the most when they don't make me feel good about myself, my teaching, or my personal choices. They steal my million bucks. They will rarely return it or give part of it back and I just get irritated, lose patience, and flip the heck out like nobody's ever seen. They don't pay because they've never been paid. Somewhere along the line, someone else stole their million bucks. They can't seem to find it or convict the person who did it so what better way to deal with that than stealing others' million bucks?

I find that I am sometimes the victim and many times the thief using my insecurities as an excuse to take what is not mine, I cannot make myself feel better so why should anyone else?

I am committing to working on this area. I am bound and determined to stop stealing others' million bucks and return those I have stolen, to get mine back and not let anyone else have it unless they need it... Then I'm willing to give it up.

What or who has stolen your million bucks? Are you willing to join me in the search for it? In the meantime, will you join me in paying those who need it more than we do?

As usual- I'm living there. Melissa