At least one. To be undone.

The little girl sat quietly outside Ba Lorrin's classroom. She said nothing, just looked at me if I looked at her and maybe smiled. I cannot stop wondering what her story is. I cannot stop asking questions about why she is not in a classroom and why she is not wearing a uniform. 

One day she was given a piece of paper and a pen. She sat and drew by herself for several hours. She watched people walk by. She would sometimes get a glance at me helping the grade 6 students who are struggling with long division. Boy, are they struggling but there was something so innocent. She continued to sit and work. One day, she had a bad outbreak of a rash on her arms. I noticed and mentioned it to the nurse who was unable to check until the next day. I sat with another little girl who was struggling during remedials one afternoon and helped her with numbers and adding, as well as the alphabet. Realizing the little girl I noticed before knew no English whatsoever, she came to sit. (She really wanted to write with the marker, as did every other child that walked by-- truth be told.) I wrote out the alphabet for her to copy the letters. Many other kids were still present and were gathered around. 

(Let me stop for a second and add that Zambian kids raise their voices rather quickly. I cannot truthfully figure out why, except to say they want to be heard more than anyone else. So they tend to "yell" at one another often, especially if someone messes up or does something incorrectly. They are very competitive and very hard on one another.)

This group of kids started yelling at little M that she was not doing something right and she was writing the letter the wrong way. I finally raised my voice as she was looking more and more insecure. I invited the kids who could be kind to stay and those who wanted to remain unkind- please go. Most left because they were confused by my loud voice also. She stayed and continued writing. The few kids who were there-- calmly and patiently spoke to her in Bemba and told her what to do and what to write. I had to look up to avoid the tears that were to come. A few letters were quite difficult, so I put her hand in mind and traced the letter and then allowed Little M to work independently. 

There are some things that just someone tell undo me. That was one. Just bottled me up like a big tear drop and let me go. Oh- my heart. To watch a sweet little beautiful girl belong for the first time since her arrival. 

 A teacher noticed her rash and asked her older cousin to walk her home to her aunt (considered a mother according to family traditions in Zambia) as she has recently begun staying with them. She didn't return for a few days. And I worried that she would be forgotten but she returned with more joy and passion than before. She wasn't afraid to let her eyes met mine and she wasn't afraid to grin and laugh and try new things. 

I sat with her this morning and practice numbers and addition. Be still, my heart. May I stop for those who need the extra mile and who just need ordinary people to give them a moment and a hand to trace the letters. 

How covered we are by the grace hand of Jesus who does the same for us. I am in awe. So undone. Willingly. 

-Melis

"I choose you because I love you."

We arrived in Lusaka, Zambia Friday afternoon. I was so exhausted because I did not sleep well on the longer flight and I felt so confused about the time of day it was and what the actual day was. I went to lie down in order to take a nap but had a hard time going to sleep. 

The truth is I miss a lot of things. And when you're that tired, you become a little more emotional than you would be in a normal state. The even bigger truth is that over the last year- I have questioned much. The only thing that has seemed to be the most consistent is the faithfulness of Jesus to me. That faithfulness whispers to me in the deepest pits when the tears are many and on the highest peaks when it seems that I'm closer than ever. Lying on the bed that afternoon, Jesus reminded me of something I have questioned seriously-- why did He choose me to do the things I do? Why did He choose me to come to Zambia for a length of time? Why did He choose me to walk with students who have felt abandoned? Why did He choose me to love them well and mess up a lot? Why did He choose me to be the one they called mom on hard days? I mean I could go on and on and on. 

He silenced my curious heart with the Truth- 

"I choose you because I love you. You don't earn it. You don't deserve it but I promise to be unwavering in my love for you and I promise to remain faithful to my choice." 

The tears have been about as consistent as my questions recently so I just laid there listening to Him repeat that phrase time and again. 

Maybe you need to know that His love is consistent for us- it does not change or flee on impulse. It doesn't abandon. It rights wrongs and makes sense of nothingness. It pleas with us to believe. It begs that we live differently. It consumes and I pray that knowing that His choosing me is a result of loving me will impact every area of my life. 

How well He knows me. Okay with the questions-- a gentle conquerer. A mighty caretaker. A choice maker. And a consistent one. 

-Melis

Zambian prayers...

So my bags are packed (well mostly) and I'm just sitting on my couch calmly watching HGTV. What is wrong with me? I'm not sure.

I'm excited to be in Zambia in a couple of days. So much so that I may cry when I see so many of the people I just adore and am overly thrilled to see. Feel like I've missed a few brothers over the last ten months so I am so excited to see them and hear them laugh. (Maybe I'll just cry now.)

I'm asking for prayers for a few things because God is giving me some really cool opportunities and I'm not at all being arrogant but I'm a little nervous and need some Jesus in the middle of every single one of them!

1. My health-- last year, I got sick three different times, which is the most by far I've ever gotten sick while being in Africa. I'm praying for NONE of that this year because it was not fun and ended up taking some time that I could have been spending with students and missionaries. It was a slowing time for me and God definitely used it but I'll have plenty to do to keep busy. Pray for my messy immune system. :)

2. I wil be working with teachers at Lake Tanganyika and in Kabwe. I LOVE teaching (obviously) so I really love working with teachers. Their hearts are gold for service and kids. Maybe the part I'm really excited about is that I will hopefully be setting up some appointments with teachers so that I am able to meet with them in smaller groups. That gives more time to ask questions and answer questions and be more specific to each teacher's need. What an honor to use my gifts and passions and serve Jesus with them!

3. The Love Africa Conference is the conference that pulls in missionaries from all over Africa and really over the world to bring them together to encourage them. It gives them time to share their stories with those from the West who support them and allows them to share for the sake of prayer. I have been graciously given the opportunity to speak and teach women who are on the field each afternoon for three days. My teacher spirit loves this and my encourager spirit finds joy in these sweet ladies.

Please also pray for the students and teachers at the Good News School at Lake Tanganyika. There are many missionaries who work at the Lake T base there as well. They will be traveling to Lusaka to pick us up when we arrive and do a shopping trip. Please pray for their long trip down and back up after Corrine (my partner in crime for the next couple of weeks) and I arrive.

Thank you SO MUCH for your prayers and words of encouragement and wisdom and giving. I feel like I get to go on behalf of 150 other people and that is truly GRACE alone. Love, Melis

OH! P.S. I'll be writing here-- but my team will be writing on this blog too :) Hope Love Africa Blog HERE

"...got me feeling emotion."

My mom cried when she and my dad left the airport yesterday. They dropped me off in Jacksonville and she cried and I teared up and then we laughed because she has been doing that every Christmas and summer since I've lived in Vegas. Count them- 8... 8 years. 

Sometimes we just feel emotional and I have to be honest and say that teaching at Global for the last 2 years and working with students at church again while dealing with the the ups and downs of my own pits and depression has made this a stunningly interesting time. Like I can laugh and cry in the same sentence. Like I'm writing part of this on the plane, sitting next to a flight attendant in tears. (And also, I'm listening to the soundtrack of the "Cinderella" movie and I just cannot. It is beautiful.) 

Here's a few reasons why...

1. Yesterday in the JAX airport, I was in front of a family of Spanish speakers and I felt like I was at home. I'm sure they thought I had no clue what they were saying- jokes on you because I did! And sometimes I can't believe I have the privilege of just seeing and hearing people. I am so fascinated by other languages (and still often frustrated at the same time) that I sometimes stare and I don't mean to but I just love listening. What a gift to be able to know something in a language other than English. Thank you to my hilarious kids for helping me with this. In ways that you don't even know. 

2. I leave for Zambia on Wednesday and it will be my 6th time to the country. I am so excited to be with my lake family and work with those sweet kids whose faces plague my memory well. They change my perspective on so many things--- all. The.

Things. And their Godsend teachers he hi willingly love and trust Jesus for thei jobs daily. Oh- to give my kids to Jesus over and over. What a lesson to be learned. 

3. Packing and traveling is something I do often but it is stressful and I say that because many of you still believe I live with no cares in the entire universe. I am one of the most low maintenance travelers you will ever meet and I know that but flying and luggage and passports and shots and medicines. #stressedprobs

4. Lastly, I've been feeling all sorts of emotions over my self recently. I've written about it some previously but not much. After being at the beach for a few and judging everyone else, I've decided that I can be okay with my body. It is not pale thin and it never will be and I will have connect the dot freckles that will be astonishing to others. I'm okay with my hips being wide and sometimes feeling fat and sometimes not. That's just reality. I've worn almost the same size for almost 12 years so I feel like I can be quiet about it sometimes. 

And we should be quiet about a lot of things but that's a different post for a different day. 

That's all I have for now. All the feels. All the emotions of summer. They're baaaaacccck. -Melis

A 10 Year Prayer...

A couple of months ago, I was asked the following questions: 

"Hey Melissa, I've got a friend who is really having a hard time being single. She sent me this tonight. do you have anything I could say to help?"

"I have a hypothetical situation. So you know how people are always telling us that we just have to wait and God is going to bless us with the greatest men? Or that we just have to trust that it will happen eventually, but what if it doesn't? What if Gods plan for me doesn't involve another person. What if I am going to be waiting the rest of my life for something that He never had planned? I'm terrified of that. I'm scared that I, a person who needs the companionship of others, is meant to be alone. I only can trust, but what am I trusting in? That it will lead me to happiness? Because I cannot fathom a world where I am happy with loneliness. Trusting God has a plan is so much easier said than done, but right now, I'm terrified that what my expectations for His plan are and what His plan truly is are COMPLETELY different things."

A few weeks ago, I sat down to write my future man a letter. I have a box full of letters. I've probably never talked about that here because it's a concept that is sometimes made fun of. And I don't like being made fun of honestly.

I've woken up a few times just praying for him (especially this week). Wondering a lot of things about the future.

This was my response to the original question: 

"Unfortunately, for me the situation is not hypothetical. When I was in college, everyone acted like everyone gets married right out of college and meets the person to marry in college. Neither was true for me or any of my close friends either. Being out of college, I've had incoming and outgoing seasons where friends would all get married and then no one would get married and then a lot of people would get married again and then would stop. It is HARD. So I don't want to lie or advise you in a way that is not truthful. Yes, it is a reality that she could never get married. Lonely forever? I think that's only by choice really. 

I would encourage your friend to do a couple of things...

1. Begin to read the Gospels (Matthew, Mark, Luke, John). I'm reading them now and there are so many places where they are forced to trust and believe. It's a reminder that we CAN trust and what happens when we don't. 

2. Begin praying for a belief in trusting God. If I have prayed one prayer a million times, it has been that of the man in the NT who says, "Overcome my unbelief" because I am truly a terrible believer. 

This statement from her: "Trusting God has a plan is so much easier said than done, but right now, I'm terrified that what my expectations for His plan are and what His plan truly is are COMPLETELY different things."

All true. Way easier said than done. It takes time. His plans are completely different than our plans. I began to see Psalm 37:4 so differently, "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." It doesn't say ask for what you want and then believe God will give it to you. Spend time with him, seek Him out in your own time and time with Godly friends, walk closely with Him while you have so much time. THEN He will give you the desires of your heart. I will tell you that those desires will change and they will look different in 10 years than they do right now, married or not. NONE of my life plans look or seem like what I thought-- and it's disappointing and heart-warming at the same time. Had I married the guy I thought God wanted me to or stayed where I thought He wanted me to or worked at the place I thought He wanted me to and not actually completed the task that He gave me, my life would also look different but I have to choose obedience over want, trusting that He does know what is best. I have prayed for a Godly man for 10 years and I am still waiting (which will provide no encouragement for your friend) but that is reality sometimes but the beauty is that God knows us better than we know ourselves and we can trust that He will provide in His time and not because we have the right formula. I will be praying for her and you as she trusts you with a lot of things in her heart. Praying for wisdom..."

I found the original blue index card with my original list for my future man. Every quality I was praying for in the man I married. You know what? They haven't really changed. If they have changed, they have actually changed back to my original list. The desires God gave me, He has kept. 

This card is now 10 years old. That makes me nervous and feel old and anticipate a lot of things. 

However, it was a peaceful sweet reminder that God is faithful. A prayer I began praying a little over 10 years ago has yet to be answered in my eyes but has been fully named and answered in His. 

God sees me and loves me and knows the desire of every piece of my heart: every person, plan, career, book writing topic. Every single thing I've prayed about... He knows. That's a relief. 

That's all I want to say right now because I'm a little overwhelmed but very thankful. 

He knows me well. -Melis

Tell me you don't want to go home... {on immigrants}

I moved to Las Vegas eight years ago this week.

It would be a lie to say it has been easy. It has been fun and it is been enjoyable and it has been hard. The transition was not easy and finding a place to fit in was a DEFINITELY not easy. Sometimes I feel like I even still don't know my place but I do know it, I'm just sometimes in denial.

At the school I teach at, the students are all new to the country. They have mostly lived in the U.S. for less than 4 years. Some stories are different and there are a few exceptions but that is pretty much the rule. Many of them have multiple family members and friends in the countries they have come from. They have stories there, haunting pasts, sick family members that can't leave or are too old, and places that they dearly loved.

It is easy for me to say as a person who grew up in America that once I'm in America, I should love everything about it. I should speak English automatically and know how to read road signs and follow laws. I should attend school regularly and make straight A's because that's everyone's expectations. THAT IS NOT REALISTIC MY FRIENDS.

My students and their families came to the United States for better opportunities. They are not perfect and they do not speak English correctly and they do not always follow the law because sometimes they just don't know. They don't know the attendance rules and they MISS HOME. Many of their parents sent them to live with someone to attend school and a university because they can take what they learned and have a better life than their parents.

Sometimes I miss home and I just grew up in a different part of the country. Home home is SO incredibly different than Las Vegas. I love city life but sometimes I just want to go to a small Mexican restaurant without driving to the other side of the world and I want to eat Chick-Fil-A on my way home from work and I want sweet tea to be served at every restaurant. I want someone to speak to me with a southern accent and not tell me that the way I say the words "white" and "why" and "what" is funny. It's not weird that I speak slower or dress differently. Those things are familiar to me. Those are home to me.

My students miss home. They miss the familiarity of everyone who speaks the same language and eats the same food and school is the same way. And they miss so much more than that. 

Yet, we complain that they don't stand for the pledge to the American flag. They don't truly know what freedom is in America yet... they are still figuring it out. Should we teach this? Yes, absolutely! 100%. They don't understand the military and the respect for the military because the military and the people in government abused the system and took away their freedoms in their own countries and they had nothing but they had everything. When they came to the US, they came with a suitcase of their small amount of belongings and they moved into the house of a distant relative to live for a few years. Some of my kids came to America and they didn't know they were staying. They thought it was a vacation, a sports trip and they stayed. They miss home. 

And when you tell me that a person should go back to their home, sometimes the home is not there. The feelings and memories and people are there but it is not the same. And they are scared of that too. 

So as you're vacationing this summer at the beach and you miss your bed, think of my kids, think of their beds in their nice houses in their countries that they miss because it smells and sounds and looks familiar. Please don't roll your eyes at the family who's speaking Spanish or Arabic or Farsi or Thai or Chinese or Aramaic or anything else for that matter because those are my kids families. Those people are someone's family and someone who missed home just like you. Someone who has worked really hard to take their family on a vacation and to a nice dinner. You know what? Pay for their meal. Surprise them. Send them a plate of dessert and they may not know what to do but let's show them that Americans can be kind and nice and not judgmental. Ask them questions about their accent and country and tell them how much you want to travel (only if you really do- don't lie, of course). Ask them if they still have family there and what job they have here. Ask them what's different.

Actually look at them and pay attention to the way they're just like you. Because sometimes we all just want to go to our own beds and our own time clocks and our own lives but we were meant for relationships, to serve and encourage one another. I DARE you to take one opportunity this summer to reach out to someone who makes you uncomfortable and do something nice. That begins to make it feel more like home. :)

-Melis

One is NOT enough. It's a lie. Sorry.... (but sorry I'm not sorry?)

But you know how I am. I'm actually not sorry at all. At all, at all, on this one. Because I am adamant and impatient and tired of people who make up stupid rules and things we follow. 

Sunday night, I was walking into church and James, the student pastor, stopped me and said, "Happy Mother's Day and I mean that because you have more kids than anyone sitting in that room." It took a lot out of me to not cry at that very second. Holidays are hard without family and when you feel a little purposeless but he's right... I have a dang huge group of crazies. All mine. All non-genetic crazies... taught crazy.

Today, I read a message from a student I've had this year who recently decided to go to a different school so he could take more classes at a time. He said this in his struggling English:

"I could not tell all the thanks that I want say, thanks for all ms, I never forget every single thing that you do you do for me, thanks for believe in me, trust me, when I come to this country all the people that I knew, told me that in this country nobody helped to anybody here, thanks for change that, you have a big, so big heart, i wish a lot success in your life."

You're telling me one is enough?

One is never enough.

Tell my boy who sent this message that one is enough... what if he came too late or didn't speak English well enough for me to stop and see him? He's not my only kid... he's not. And he knew that. His care was singled out because of his effort but I have a one in every class throughout the day. (on a bad day!) I saw a post earlier that said if you can impact one student by the end of the year, then you've done your work or something... really? I could not disagree more. One is not enough.  And I could argue this with you all day long, which would be the biggest waste of my time ever.

If I have 75 students come into my classroom and I have impacted one, I fail. I used to have 150-200 every day, imagine that I only picked one? I would be a terrible teacher!

If the case is that I only impact one, I don't do my job. I fail the 74 who walk in and out that are never impacted. That makes me a crappy person and a crappy human being. ((My kids don't know they are my favorite and most stressful project/love.)) I'm going to ask them the hard questions and get on their level and ask them what's wrong when they least expect it (hence the crying weeks I have sometimes).

I hate the fairness argument but I love it all the same. I'm NOT saying that I impact every kid. You should know that I don't get along with a lot of snotty high school girls because they are snotty high school girls and they don't want to get along. There's some kids that don't click with me but really love some of their other teachers and I've gotten to the point to where I'm okay with that.

BUT, if we go back to the 'one theory' how fair am I to the 75 kids I have when I'm basically telling them... "Hey, you know what? I have only one kid to impact this year and if you're the lucky one, you might be it!" That sounds stupid and if you're angry about this whole thing, it's because you love the one theory. The 'one' theory makes me cringe. It makes me hurt and it makes me wonder whether my teachers thought I was good enough to the be 'the one' in my classes. My teachers didn't see it like that. We were all equally annoying and equally loved.

I'm glad my parents didn't believe the 'one' theory. They didn't pick favorites. Tell me how ridiculous parents would look if they had three kids and said, "If I can spend my life and impact one." They would be considered the worst parents of all time and I would have to agree with them. They're the worst.

What if nurses and doctors believed the one theory? "Well, we got to one today!" Well, I'm sorry but you had 15 patients in a night and 24 appointments. I think they all expected to be impacted in some way!

The starfish story is one of my favorites but it's also baloney. What that little boy was doing was taking handfuls of starfish and making a difference to them... to the many... to the masses. No one told you that part because they don't want to make you feel bad. What he was actually looking for was a bucket so he could pick them up in larger quantities. So he could make bigger and better change. He did impact the ones he threw back one by one but it was still done in mass. They may have felt the effects were individual but they were also thankful for the friends and family of starfish who were tossed back in too.

Dear friends-- please stop believing that your life was placed here to impact one person. It may only be one person a day or one person that week but what if the true reality was that we could impact one person per hour? That changes our 1 to 24 and our 1 to 48. What if I we just went with one a day? We could impact 365 people a year.

Now tell me what you would prefer... 1 or 24? 1 or 365? I'll take the 365 and wear myself out over it because someone believed I was the one but I was the one worth it in the moment... those people are now impacting other people and the cycle reproduces. Stop believing the lie.

You were meant for more. SO. much. more. And so was I. And it's not going to be easy but you will be thankful in the end. Because maybe only one will actually tell you what you meant to them. The other 74 won't say a word, but you impacted them all the same. The one just was brave enough to say thanks.
-Melis