I sat in a room of 36 other teachers and strategists and coaches last week for a day and a half session on being teacher leaders. Except I felt inadequate and scared and worried. Especially at first.
I had put myself out there. I had applied and answered questions, my principal gave me a recommendation. Yet, I felt undeserving and felt the need to constantly compare myself even though it was so clearly unnecessary. Comparison is the thief of joy. And it will steal every freaking ounce it can. I promise.
I am doing the same things on my campus these other educators are. And the same thing that literally MILLIONS of other teachers are doing. Yet, in my mind, there is a laundry list of every wrong and undeserving thing I have done during my teaching career. Every mistake I have made. Every student I missed. Every word I said that filled a student with a lack of confidence. Every argument I've had with a kid. Every dirty look I've received from another teacher or a parent. Every kid I've had quit the Leadership program I'm in charge of. Every time I've stuck my foot in my mouth.
It is hard to continue to act normal when you feel like that on the inside, yet it becomes a new normal because you get used to covering up the lies in your head.
Because that is what they are-- LIES. Anyone flawless and full of perfection you know? Jesus- that's it. And in my striving to be like Him, the enemy trips me up.
You know what makes the enemy the angriest? The confidence telling you that you are able and the confidence you find in Christ to be confident and fight against the enemy. Even if that confidence means you need to get up and leave school and leave work there and get something to eat and take a nap. Those are not against the person of Christ. Taking care of yourself is essential.
Entertaining the failures and flaws and mess ups is not. It is unnecessary and non-essential.
It is a time waster. It is never sweet, always bitter. Always rough and hurtful. And. At the end of the day, you are no better because of the lies you have believed or told yourself or listened to. NO BETTER OFF.
Monday afternoon, I left school feeling like the biggest failure of a teacher of all time. I mean, how many times do I have to repeat the same sentence in order for a person to understand it? I even explained it in a different way every.single.time. It is exhausting to continue doing that. SO exhausting. One of my best teacher friends said, "Melissa, go home. Get your stuff and go home."
And that's what I did. I got something to eat, went home and slept on the couch for 2 hours. I had pajamas on before 5pm and I felt I was living a great success in that hour. I was a better person for it on Tuesday morning when I got to school. I was a better person when I could laugh and reminisce with my Leadership kids. I was a better person when I could jump around like a freaking cheerleader ballerina teacher when my kids actually grasped what I was reviewing in my Ethnic Studies classes. That 2 hour nap has made me a better person for the last 48. Because I shut my brain off from the lies and listened to the Truth that told me, "Shut up and take a nap. And by the way, just shut up. And your ears too."
Failure loves the hungry-angry-lonely-tired more than anyone else. It feeds lies like steak quesadillas having road rage while sleep driving. That sounds ridiculous. That's because failure is stupid too. We can learn from failure but failure doesn't RUN us. Failure doesn't control my life. It can develop certain aspects and cause me to reflect but failure is not my life.
I've had a rough week and a half. (Cue rolling eyes emojis everywhere.) No, seriously. It's been really difficult and really rewarding at the same time.
I have this girl in my Leadership class. She's a 10th grader and this is the second year I've had her. We will call her "Sparkle." Because she is that to my entire class. We joke about her 'light' but we all know that her 'light' guides us 90% of the time in that class. She is a little motivational speaker. She begins talking and you're like, wait a minute, did I just wear my shirt that says, "Help- I need some encouragement!"? Yes, yes you did with Sparkle. She just knows. The last time she did a presentation in my class, she was so honest and vulnerable that I could have just cried with her. I'm pretty sure tears welled up in the rims of the my eyes because she was just so real, so authentic and it was so moving. She talked about how hard expectations are and how hard it is to cover up what you feel like are lies and failures with a pretty face on the outside. Earlier in the year, I called her out. I called out her defense- she makes other people laugh and smile because she is falling apart. I am the same way as my Sparkle. So I get this sweet girl's mind. You mean the best for others, but sometimes you're just drowning and you need someone to row your boat for a little while too.
After her presentation, I gave her a little encouragement note expecting absolutely nothing in return. But sometimes Sparkle just comes up and hugs me anyways because she just gets me and knows we both need it. The next morning, she reciprocated the encouragement and handed me a note that inspired me and made me cry. She talked about how God had placed me in her life for a reason. How good she was because of me. How I make her better. She used the illustration of the moon and the sun. If God placed me in her life as the sun, then she wanted to be the moon, a reflection of that same kind of direction and kindness and love.
I am not saying any of this to brag because I promise you these kinds of things are not of common occurrence. They are so rare but they are normally so desperately needed that I am a big puddle of tears hoping that someone will help me to not just sink. Failure causes sinking. Truth allows you to float to the shore and get up again and start over.
Tonight, I watched my Sparkle girl get in the center of a room of almost 75 people with no introduction or applause or notion of attention and dance her heart out to a Mariachi band. She is brave and fearful at the same time, but her bravery to just move to the music in front of her peers SO moves me. It gets my heart racing because someone was that sun for me once. And I need to keep going.
So have you felt like you're the only messed up, terrible, horrible, no good, very bad, failure lately? Where is the sun shining in your world? I am praying for a Sparkle for you. A person who lights up your life and makes other people smile but who also just gets you. Through pain and fury and peace and steadfastness.
Choosing Truth and Joy. And to sparkle like the Sun. -Melis
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