The Shattering: Part 1(ish)

So not long ago, like a week, I decided to choose another word of the year: Shatter.

How do you, by the end of the week, decide to quit something that was your idea?

Yeah, so I haven’t quit but I have definitely contemplated it MULTIPLE times. By multiple, I mean at least 1,000. Okay, maybe that many times a day.

Tuesday night, I was at a prayer night at my church. I was sitting next to Shannon and I went over to prayer with a family that I met there. We were just talking a little bit between prayers because they had not been going to Hope very long.

I was praying silently at some point and journaling quite a bit and just asking God to continue to show me a way out of shame and guilt. Something that I constantly deal with. I understand that I’m not supposed to and blah, blah, blah. (I am not asking for advice here- I am talking myself through this. Please and thank you.)

But God just told me, “Melissa, I don’t change my mind about you.” And He doesn’t. He. Just. Doesn’t. Here’s what I wrote in my journal:

“Thank you that you continually show me how to be loved by you. Through free forgiveness- a beautiful gift of grace...Thank you that as I confess- you forgive immediately. You don’t wait or hesitate or ponder it. You don’t change your mind about me. I have had such a few guilt-ridden days over nonsense- you don’t change your mind about me. I bow down to your fullness, adequacies and enough-ness. How good you are. I know you have asked me… to own my own junk and be real. You are calling me to bigger things and until I let go of small things, I can’t see the entire picture. You call me to more. Because you don’t change your mind about me. Thank you that you don’t change your mind about any of us…Thank you that meeting with other people shows me a mirror of my own struggles. It clears the air with me in front of you and changes my heart and mind. Help me to see you well and love you well. Help me to remember that you don’t change your mind about me. Ever.”

I know that repetition is the way to my heart and so does God. To tell me the same thing over and over and over. To remind me of His truth so gently. He never shouts over my insecurities because that makes me so tense. He only whispers and quiets my heart.

I just thought I should share this. Because maybe you’re wondering if God has walked out on you or if you are questioning if you are loved by Him. You are. You so are.

Step 1 is being completed. I am being shattered and God is restoring me by telling me the Truth.

Love, Melis