You can have it.

I've been back in America officially for 1 week and 3 days. They have been a little bit... hmm... what's the word(s)? Crazy...overwhelming...mean...heartless...loving...MUCH. Maybe the word I'm looking for is much. In between the pool days and afternoons, the meals with close friends, the birthday parties, the church going, the long drive to work one morning, and the sleep, and the stomach hating everything I eat, it has been much. And I knew it would be.

I literally got on a plane and left a caring group of people who I smiled with each day, made jokes with, laughed with, and who felt compassion when I got the worst 24 hour stomach virus I've had since I was in high school. (I seriously had not thrown up in like 15 years until this Africa trip... who am I anymore.) It's not that the group of people that I came back into didn't care or love me the same as they did when I left but I've learned something important in traveling. Life. Goes. On. Whether I'm on the other side of the country for a family vacation, a few days with students in another city, or in Africa, life doesn't stop for everyone else. It. Goes. On. So coming back into a life that has gone on while mine has with a different heartbeat on the other side of the planet can be a little much as well.

I cried when I left church the other day because I was so overwhelmed with how loud but quiet it was around me. Part of that is my introverted nature. Part of that is being alone in a crowd, a feeling that is not new for me. Part of that is sometimes (mostly ME) get so caught up in ourselves, we say, "Did you have a good trip?" But we really don't mean it. #guilty #sosoguilty 

This is what I saw in Zambia: a group of people who have nothing except Jesus and each other. And I want that. I. so. desperately. want. THAT. To love Jesus and other people and have everything else work itself out because I am so focused on the relationships. So focused on how compassionate and loving I can be to others. So not focused on the tasks or the checklists.

My stuff is in my way. My Target addiction and my love for Starbucks Chai with a million extra pumps so it almost sets my throat on fire is in my way. My unrighteous anger at other people when they don't care about others is in my way. My need for attention and for people to constantly check on me is in my way. And you know what? You can have it. Because I want it but I don't and there's this internal battle that is beating me up most days because what I so badly want is not what I have and what I so badly have is not what I really, truly want. 

So this is my prayer... and I'm not even going to ask you to pray the same because I feel insane in this enough on my own. (So if you do pray this, it's not because you were asked, it's because you were willing :) )

Jesus- Take my fancy and un-fancy things. Take my time and attention and relationships. Take my focus and eyes and ears and mouth and speak into them and around them what only You would have. Take my Starbucks and turn those fierce iced Chai's into conversations about You. Take my need for attention and starve it and set my attention and affection on You. Take every Target shopping trip, even for the necessities and let me slow down and SEE other people. Because it's really not about me at all. It was always you. I have all these things but you know what? You can have them. Take it. You can have it all. And when I ask you why I'm hurting, allow me to think outside of myself and let someone else have my compassion and empathy and tears so they can hurt harder. And when I ask you if it's worth it, remind me of Sunday, Golden, Nelson, Dorothy, Peggy, Holly, Charles and Helen, Lorrin and Christopher, Kennedy, artistic Erick and Dennis the Menace. Remind me of the teachers we trained and the kids who put rocks on my feet. Remind me of the selfless service of Christopher and the dancing feet of Gabriel. Remind me of Olivia's arms around my waist and Kennedy's squished face against mine. Remind me of Meka's toothbrush and Kairos' grin. Remind me of the little boy who I "fought" with daily in Makwati just to make him smile. Those things are what it's about. Caring so much about others that I forget me in the process. So take what you want from me and set me apart for you because I want YOU to have it more than anyone else. Love-Melissa