Insignificant

It's been a great last week for me with the end of school, saying goodbye to some teary-eyed upcoming freshmen and completing the first unit and week of my Master's program. It's been chaotic too... that's a lot going on! I had some really up and down emotional moments (I know that's part of life, but it's just not always fun) that continued on in to the weekend. Here are some thoughts that will maybe give you some insight....

1. I am a teacher. I am not a teacher who gets paid more, holds an administrative position, gets paid for working extra hours... I work my tail off to get anything extra and my work ethic has for some reason made others think I have a different job. I checked out with everyone else and am treated the same way by my bosses, sometimes really well, sometimes I feel like yuck. I am doing what I was called to.
2. I fully realize that I am single while the rest of the world (literally) is getting engaged, married, and having kids, I am not. I sometimes feel so far away from it that I don't know what to do with myself. I am fully convinced that when the time is right, God will send me a man that will pursue me like He does. I refuse to settle for anything less. (I know some of you think I need to just "go out there and grab someone before they're all taken" but you have honestly lost your mind. I am NOT THAT GIRL.)
3. This morning at Hope, Pastor Vance talked about different kinds of people. There are Pauls who have crazy conversion stories, was the highest of the highs, had all the right people in the right places. There are Timothy's who are often found in the "ands." They are just normal everyday people and then there are the even more normal people, otherwise known as the "saints." They are walking with Jesus day by day but maybe do not have the same platform as the others, BUT they do have a platform. It just looks different.

All of that to say that sometimes being an everyday person on the verge of normal and feeling a bit alone leaves me feeling insignificant. Satan lies and tells me I deserve the position I have because I am so crazy messed up. He lies about so many conversations, friendships, daily routines, and other things that I just throw myself at mercy's feet and beg God to intercede. I really need God to make me significant. Even then, it is He in me that makes anything that I say or do significant. It is not Melissa. It is Him. I know that so many of you reading this are just ordinary, plain people like myself. Don't let Satan lie to you too and tell you it makes you insignificant. You were created with a purpose that is different than everyone else's and you were meant to carry out that purpose. It may not always feel or look great but it is yours.

You are in Him significant... You have purpose, now go and fight for it! I'm joining you! -Melis

They win.

Today was the last full day I had of students in the Class of 2016, my official 5th year of kids and literally 180 of their sweet faces. To honor that, we held a small (very unprofessional and casual) ceremony to commemorate the event. I gave out some specific, very special certificates and then each student received a certificate in a report cover that says, "Class of 2016... (insert their name here) on behalf of Ms. Gillespie and Jerome D. Mack Middle School. Keep this certificate as a reminder to work hard until you graduate high school in 2016!" (I think I worded a little bit differently, and by now I've read so many that I can't remember.) In my 1st period, it was very quick. There were lots of laughs (almost to the point of annoying) because they were quite nervous and anxious. My 2nd period had a few thank you speeches from the loving class clowns. My 3rd period? The loud clappers... Please accept my apology dear neighbors in other hallways because they were so thrilled (and LOUD). My 4th period seemed completely shocked that they would receive such a thing... gave no speeches, put on a front to act as if they didn't even care and barely would get their picture taken. You would have thought I had asked them to join the third world war. They actually ruined the experience for me for a bit. I knew my 5th and 6th would make it better and that they did.

My 5th period is at least 19 boys (count them-- 19 13-14 year olds who love war, music, sarcasm, comments, fighting) and 6 sweet little quiet (sometimes ditzy) girls. To say that my 5th period is interesting is maybe the understatement of the year but they are a lot of fun and I really just love them. A few of them gave some speeches, mostly funny but I almost cried when sweet Bernardo got up and just said, "Thank you Ms. Gillespie. You are one of the best teachers I've ever had." (You win Bernardo! You win for your sincerity alone!) Another student, Angel, who I had just decided had shut me off, looked at me with a very surprised look and said, "I really like the writing on the page." I'm not sure that some of these kids have ever had a piece of paper with their name on it with a positive anything. I know that seems so simple but you should know this kid's story. My heart breaks for him and I desperately hope that someone comes along who absolutely loves him so much. He just stared at it. Then there's Maxwell, a very grateful kid, who just expressed gratitude in his speech and said a very simple and heartfelt thank you. I think the most shocked for the entire class was Juan. I think he thought I didn't make him one because even when I read his first and last name, he said aloud, "I have one?" (My sarcastic comment, "Does anyone have the same first and last name as you? Umm, no precious face.") Yes, you do. I do have the same expectations and the same goals for you despite your circumstances. They were thrilled to take their certificates outside to get their picture made and I was grateful to have so many precious boys, no matter how tough they act on the outside. I am so, so incredibly grateful for them. At the end of class, Angel came forward and in his best drawings/writing/tagging, gave me a note that said, "Thank you Ms. Gillespie." (How can you not love a kid who just needs someone to love them? I mean, really?)

My 6th period, of course, has to one-up them all, as always. Every student in the class received a specific "I love this about you" kind of award and a Class of 2016 certificate. They were terrified that I had forgotten them. If you recorded only their voices, you would have thought I pulled out a gold bar when I grabbed their stack of certificates in plastic covers. I read off each name and certificate and was so surprised at how many students gave their own little speeches. Tyler, for maybe the first time in his life, sincerely thanked the students in the class for just letting him have fun and for allowing him to laugh and he specifically thanked students who had made him laugh the most. Dominique told them that she wanted the best for everyone and that she was going to graduate high school, so should they! (You go girl :) ) Pu'Uwai was so sweet for telling the class how they had let her just be herself. She has gained so much confidence this year. I am so proud of her. Mika shared a very passionate thank you for making her laugh and for ending almost everyday as a really good one. Lazaro was honest about how he hadn't done so well first semester but he had really gotten a lot better the second one and was proud to be a part of that class. Many of them commented on how the class was like a family... they laughed together, got in trouble together, and will end their 8th grade year together in just a few short days. I just adore everyone of them. I can't even help myself.

They win. At the end of the 2011 school year, I felt so discouraged, so uncomfortable in my own skin, so not where I felt I should be so God sent me to the other side of the planet to South Africa to remind me that I am exactly where He wants me to be. He reminded me that there are so many kids who have loving and wonderful parents and there are so many who don't. I left Africa in the summer of 2011 with a renewed hope and peace that He wanted me in Las Vegas at Mack Middle School with the kids He would give me. He wants me there... with the broken, the ones who have never had their name handwritten on a piece of paper, the ones who need someone to laugh with, the ones who need someone to believe in them for the first time ever, the ones who need to be taught how to be thankful, the ones who need a nag in their lives, they need an extra person... a person who will invest in them.

They have won my heart. At the end of most years, I wonder how I will ever love a class the way I have that particular one and for this year's kids, it is definitely true. I'm just not sure. They have restored my belief, just like Anne Frank, that there is good in everyone. Some just need more encouragement than others. Sometimes I need more encouragement than others. I hope that someone in your life just wins you over and I don't know who it is or where they are but I hope they restore the hope that there is good in everyone and they encourage you to keep loving people. We all need it. We all need someone to let us win. This class has done it for me.

Thank you for letting me share.... I'm going to go clean myself up now from sweet, joyful tears... Melis

Texas Dreaming

Today, I was thinking of blogging. Today, I was thinking about what a great weekend I had and how much fun I had with the people I was with and how thankful I am that they walk with Jesus. Today, I was thinking of how incredibly blessed I am to have a job and a job that I love. Today, I am so thankful for a group of students who compliment everything I wear, even when I haven't washed my hair. Today, I was made crazy by a student who was making noises as if to blow up the room and by the other one who so anxiously realized that he didn't have his absent note from Friday. Today, I talked to my sister about a potential job she has and how excited she is. Today, I got out of my car, closed my garage door, walked up to my apartment and passed my neighbor.

The other day, on the way to small group, I was running late and literally walked into a conversation with my neighbor where we got to talk about Jesus and what He is doing in my neighbor's son's life. Love it, it was worth being late over. All of that to say, today I was walking up my sidewalk past my neighbor who was talking to another neighbor and I was thinking of how crazy it is that I have been in Las Vegas almost exactly 5 years. As I'm having this realization, I look down next to the stairs and there are two dandelions. I realize that most people think these are weeds and I refuse to agree. Every time I see them, just like when I see the Orion's Belt in the sky, I am reminded of God's sweet faithfulness.

Five years ago, I drove across the country to a new city, new roommate, new job, new people, new church, new everything... I was scared to say the least. I knew that I was being obedient to what God wanted but I was still scared. Of course, driving 30 hours from my small hometown to Las Vegas was a long, long ride. I had been to Las Vegas before but the view is quite different on a plane than in a car on I-40. I mean let's talk about how there is NOTHING in Arkansas, Arizona, New Mexico, Oklahoma, most of Texas, western Tennessee... very few things to see. Our alphabet game didn't work so well on this trip because there was literally nothing. I'm not sure if I was on another planet by myself or what but when we got around to Amarillo, Texas (which I've never been to besides this road trip), I just could not help but gasp at how big the fields are... it's not like a field is new to me. I grew up within seconds of cotton and corn fields but these fields were different. These fields were full of dandelions, not little ones like the ones next to my sidewalk... they were as big as my fist or bigger. I think I even commented aloud at one point about how much I would like to take off running through the field. It was in riding through those fields on my long trek to Las Vegas that God made a sweet promise to me in my desperate heart. He would be faithful. I tear up as I write this, I cried a bit then. He would be faithful. Even though dandelions come and go and we make wishes with those small flowers (or weeds depending on your opinion), He promised to remain the same. He promised to give me a generation that would dream. He promised to give me the next generation. He promised to allow me to continue dreaming and blowing dandelions in the wind begging him to do something different.

I want to tell you one thing... (what a shame that you read this whole blog to read this one statement, right? :) )... He is faithful, He does not change, and He has not forgotten you. I believe that with my still desperate heart that needs Him more and more everyday. Every single day. May you believe in the dream maker and dream giver and the "one who calls you is faithful. He will do it."

Love you and praying for you as you read this- Melis

I don't know why I try to title things, I'm not good at it.

Funny story... today, M (one of my autistic kids) came into class with his sunglasses on. That's normal. He picked up his folder and I handed him a piece of paper that he had turned in that he didn't have to. He takes it back and says, "Did you love it?" Did I love that you completed your paper? Yes. Did I love that you just used your manners? Yes. Did I love that you just asked me that sincerely? Yes. I really think M goes home and laughs at the things he says to teachers sometimes and the responses that he gets. He is so hilarious. After we had that nice conversation, he got mad that he had to do his work and kicked the desk and slammed his hand on the table and declared, "I don't want to do this!" Gotta love Mondays. I mean seriously? The song lyrics, "It's just another manic Monday," freely flowed through my head for the whole first hour of school. Oh yeah and did I mention that two boys walked right into my classroom and they're not in my class? And that I called one of my boys, the wrong name twice? I know he was SO happy with me about that! Welcome back my beloved!

Along those lines though, I have thought a lot today in my very, very cheerful mood where nothing was going to bring me down. There are so many kids who are depending on me. There are so many adults that I work with that are depending on me. I desire change and want to see that take place in so many of the people I work with and the students that give me a job really. I mean I can beg some of them to stop coming, but then who would I work with? There are so many people that you work with and do life with everyday that are depending on you too! Why do I believe this you ask? This is why... this afternoon, I went and had quick meeting with my boss. We were talking about next year's schedule, my prep sell, my early bird class that I share, and lots of other very school related things. I made a comment that right before spring break I was feeling so burned out. He said that burning out is exactly what they don't want to happen which is why they're trying to make some changes for next year. There are always people resistant to those changes and on most days, he stays away from those topics which I appreciate. In the midst of this discussion, he made the comment, "We've gotta figure out a way for you to get back to Africa."

Let's rewind...When I first decided to sell my prep (aka September), that was one of the reasons that he used to convince me. The extra money I made would get me to Africa for the 5th year in a row. That comment may not make any difference to you but it does to me. My boss has never been to Africa. He has been out of the country and he really understands a lot more about poverty and the need for change than most people, including me most of the time and he has more life experience than other people as well. We've had a lot of conversations on long trips in a group about traveling and he knows that Africa is something I'm passionate about. He's not passionate about Africa... I think he gets that Mack has a kind of ambassador when we go to other places. I'm an ambassador to Africa on behalf of my school and kids, my boss, my church, my family, my friends, my prayer and sponsoring supporters. I get to see change take place across the globe. My dream is to take students, students from Mack to join me on the field to serve those who have less and love more. To those who live plain, ordinary lives... just like us in a different way and on the other side of the planet. My boss is depending on me to do something different, to be a change agent, to be a role model to my students. Not going to Africa this summer is a big deal for me and I know that I'm not supposed to go this summer for an "only God knows" reason. He will show me in His time.

In the meanwhile, we are to be His ambassadors in the lonely, needy places.... with those who are loved and who need to be loved. For those who want us to love their work and hearts and for those who kick the desks in rage. For those who cry out a need to believe and those who are so shy that they would never think of such. I am to be a change agent. I am to speak out for change for those who have no hope and for those who are depending on me. Who's watching me and waiting for the change I get to make in their lives?

Oh Jesus--- thank you for sweet influence and the lives you allow me to physically and emotionally change. Forgive me for the times I kick the desk in rage and thank you for your compassion when I ask you if you love my work. You are so good to me. -Melissa

Unable to Concentrate.

I'm sitting in Starbucks on Spring Break and am having the hardest time concentrating. I have been like this all week unless I'm talking or reading a book. Trying to do work on vacation is just not right I guess. I'm supposed to be unwrapping standards for some extra stuff in the district. To top off the lack of interest I have in it at the moment, there are screaming children next to me that will not be still and a couple of women next to me who are struggling to focus on their conversation and looking at me like, "You must just be looking at your Facebook or Pinterest." Obviously, I'm not doing either. When I have too much time on my hands, I think WAY too much. I'm thinking about the following...

1. Awkward moments of my last school year, including students and people I work with.

2. Future.... what the heck do I want to get my Master's in??? I need to suck it up and do it but I don't want to go back to school for an "Education" Master's. I am NOT that girl.

3. Maybe one day, I want to start my own charter school, similar to Ron Clark's or in the same format but in Vegas or something. The ones I've seen that work are in inner city communities (similar to the one I work in) or "at-risk" schools and involve LOTS of structure which kids in those areas need desperately. I think about seeing Sammy from last year a couple of weeks ago and think how much he would benefit from a system like that. My kids so desperately need to be loved and I would love to open up a school where that would happen with good teachers. Then those students could go back and really change their communities. I read The Pact by the "Three Doctors" and they lived in inner city Newark and made a pact in high school that changed everything for them, despite their circumstances and what they grew up in.

4. I'm not going to Africa or Panama (I had talked about this in a previous blog. The family I wanted to work with will be back in the states during that time.) during this summer.... trying to figure out how to get out of the country for a bit is a little crazy I know. I will be traveling some but I will miss getting a stamp on my passport! That sounds completely weird to most people but you're talking to the girl who has taken some really LONG flights over the past few years on her summer vacations. I think God has something crazy (and completely unexpected) for me and I'm anxious to find out what it is.

5. Last, but not least, a thought for you that I've been thinking on. It's in a book I'm reading called Purity, a Godly woman's adornment by Lydia Brownback. In the devotion today, she said, "Our desire for God will always be determined by our perception of God, and what determines our perception of him is the state of our heart... If we find God and his Word confusing or frustrating, it's because something in our heart is resistant to him and his truth. He puts his finger on something in our life-- a particular sin or bad habit or worldly pattern of living-- and we don't like the intrusion." I find my whole self in an uproar when God does this and then I get frustrated with being convicted or God invading when I had asked him to in the beginning.

Even in the chaos, may you find God's intrusions loving and gentle. May He, in his touch, overwhelm you with courage and grace to deal with all His intrusions and may your mind find itself in more order than mine! Happy Grace-filled weekend! -Melis

This Beautiful Life

I'm reading through Jonah with my small group and Proverbs in my attempt to read the Bible in a year (it has turned into a year and a half and I'm not even through the Old Testament yet!). In the process, I came across Warren Wiersbe's commentaries. This is the thing... my dad collects his books come to think of it and I've never thought about reading it myself. Kristi, my small group leader, pulled one out for the minor prophets and we've been using it for Jonah so I ordered one for Proverbs (changing up my routine for quiet time because of some comments from Flor) and sat and read it yesterday... holy moly, I'm in love. I just read the introduction yesterday and the first chapter this morning, along with reading Proverbs 1 again. Wiersbe makes several references to other places in the Bible that coincide with the Proverbs because for goodness sakes, sometimes the book looks like my blog-- scattered and whatever he/they thought of next! and I love it... (Sorry for the overuse of the word love today but like is not exactly a strong enough verb!)

Side note: Prudence is always a word that I have seen in a negative light... like a "prudent girl" would be modest, never speaks up for herself or anyone else and is a sort of a negative Nancy. Wiersbe makes reference to prudence meaning "to see the reason behind things." In that case, I would love to be prudent!

Another reference which I can't stop thinking about is connected to Titus 2:10... the last part of the verse says, "... so that in every way they will make the teaching about God our Savior attractive." Wiersbe translates this to meaning, "Make the Bible beautiful by living a Godly life."

Reflecting on this... what if I really considered every move I make, every word I say, my facial expressions, body language, thoughts and processes toward people completely beautiful by loving Jesus in every expression? Then the not-so-sweet question comes.... how many times have I messed that up? The crazy thing about God in his sovereignty is that he loves me still and wants to make this mess of a life into a beautiful story of grace, forgiveness, justice, mercy, compassion, and peace. He makes my life beautiful without me even asking... without me even praying or looking to Him sometimes... He takes the moments that I'm annoyed to get to help a sweet man who can't pick up his water in a grocery store to say thank you. He takes the smile of a fuzzy haired thirteen year old to love on me a bit... He takes the compliments and the reality of a fourteen year old beautiful girl to make me a feel just a little more beautiful. We take life and make a mess of it. God takes us and makes a beautiful life of it.

May you make the Bible beautiful by living a Godly life. -Melis

Go Moments

"And then Melissa was swallowed by 180 8th graders... and life."

I'm somewhat relieved that God didn't have that written in the Bible. Today I do feel like it should be. I was driving to drop some stuff off and I was so overwhelmed with this feeling of a need to go. It has been driving me crazy. For example, net week is Spring Break and I am really hoping for a day to go to California to just drive, to clear my head, to think for a few hours, to breathe. You would think I have a lot of time to do that and don't get me wrong, I do. There's something about not being at home or sitting in the comfort of my Panera booth that makes me think a little more.

Over the last couple of weeks, I have been so bummed that I'm not going to Africa this summer. It's really not so I can tell people that I'm going or get everyone hyped about it. I just feel a little piece of me has died without going. I think that's what drove me to go to school away from Georgia home and drove me right out to Vegas after college and to travel to the UK, Chicago, NYC, and live in Florida for the summers when I was in college. I don't consider myself at all the adventurous type... more of the "I can talk myself (or you can talk me) into doing ridiculous things that I almost have an anxiety attack in the process an then I'll be fine." I doubt you call that adventure. I doubt anyone calls that anything except insanity. All that to say... over the last couple of weeks, I have had this aching to go see a missionary family in Central America I know, to serve with them, to love on them, to see a different side of missionary life than what I have seen before.... to really convince myself to learn Spanish. It has consumed my spare time and thoughts even this weekend with so many other things to think about! Conversations with other people (particularly about their missions experiences) have made me think about it even more... I did also look up plane ticket prices (did I mention that?). It's much more affordable and realistic for me this summer.... Africa just isn't. I'm still going to work with Vanessa on Ignite Africa school and hopefully more stuff (I'm excited about this!)... and I'm looking forward to (for the first time since I've lived here) spending a lot of time in Vegas... it will give me some time for some day trips!

I'm in the process of some "Go Moments" which are "God moments" and I'm excited about where they'll take me. Pray for obedience and a clear mind for me to hear from Him.

May you go where He wants, love those He places in your path and be waiting for every moment where you could be Jesus and be the most like Him... when you give. (and if you have extra time, listen to this past week's sermon from Hope (hopechurchonline.com... it should be posted soon)... if you haven't thought about the concept of giving your life away... let Pastor Vance explain.

Blessings in your comings and goings this week! -Melis