You make me brave.

I have no idea if I've told this story or not but go with me...

On my first day of teaching high school, I'm standing at the front of my last period class and I started sweating. I started fanning myself like a crazy person because I was so hot. These kids/mini adults were just looking at me like, "Who is this lady? Where did our principal find her? What is wrong with her?" They were right, I was just having an "Oh my gosh, what have I gotten myself into, I can't breathe" attack for a minute. Therefore, that increases my body temperature by about 200%. 

We laughed about that moment a lot that year. They laughed about a lot of other things too- me not knowing how to pull the fire alarm. Me saying I was going to call "someone" when I realized the student lived with someone who was not a family member. Me saying a lot of crazy things that didn't make any sense. Me riding on a roller coaster screaming at the top of my lungs. Me doing a lot of things that were ridiculous. Me getting mad for ridiculous reasons. Etc. You get the point.

I was just talking to one of the boys from that year tonight. They were grace to me. They are grace to me. When I think about a lot of my boys particularly, they represent a lot of sorry's and forgiveness and mercy and mess that God was cleaning up in me. The girls were like mirrors of me-- worrying about relationships and self-esteem and fear and lack of confidence. I was the one sitting on their side constantly struggling with what to do with my life. Worrying about what people thought. Maybe I still struggle and need those things.

There was something about that group of students and few students before that just made me want to take a risk. I wanted to be a better teacher.  I wanted to learn and grow and work my butt off. They made it feel easier. They still do. Talking to them about what they're doing and have been doing gives me a great amount of hope. I'm proud of them. I always think that those must be the things that happen when you have kids of your own. Those must be the things you feel or want or see in your kids.

I don't really know what else to say on this at all but I adore them. Each of them for multiple reasons. Some of them make me laugh so hard and I can't stop smiling and some of them bring tears to my eyes and not in a bad way and some just do both.

I know I'm not always so nice and I can go a little crazy but I'm thankful that they make me brave. They make me better and a lot of the times they don't get the pay off for that but hopefully someone in the future can say thank you.

To my kids-- you make me brave and excellent and hopeful. Hoping that you keep passing it along.

Love, Ms. Gillespie