I think C.S. Lewis would have liked this title or he would have changed it to something extremely and wonderfully brilliant…. Like “Life.” I mean, isn’t that part of it? The Great Struggle that I am currently feeling and seeing and touching and hearing, and not necessarily loving, isn’t this part of life? Isn’t it all around us? I would definitely argue so and I would also say that most of us don’t like it. Let’s be honest, if you do say you like it, I’m not sure I believe you’re an honest person and if that’s shallow of me, then so be it. I like to think that I am a person who has it together, who seems great on the outside no matter what is going on inside of me and I am currently finding it harder and harder to pretend. There is too much inside of me to pretend like everything is “fine.” When asked today how I was, I was completely honest in saying, “I’m okay.” I am okay… I’m not great… everything’s not fine and I know at the same time that it could be worse. Please understand something with me here. I am not where I thought I would be and I am constantly fighting this battle as to whether that is good or bad. I have found it to be both…. And actually, mostly good. If I would have picked out where I wanted life to take me, I think I would have been ended up quite heartbroken. This is primarily because I would have never moved, never gotten out of my comfort zone, and I would have never seen life for what it really is…. It would have taken me a longer time to get to where I currently am and so I’m saying… this is good.
In all of this, I have been the emotionally out of control girl… yep, hard to believe, coming from the girl who doesn’t really cry and mostly smiles. It has been hard for me to admit that I struggle. I am proud and see myself as someone who overall knows the direction I’m going and I am just feeling stuck recently. I haven’t slept and I am continuing to believe that it is because God is speaking to me. I just haven’t really wanted to listen. I guess I have some people to thank in this process… like whoever it was a few weeks ago that told me that people wake up in the middle of the night because God is speaking, my college roommate who I was talking to yesterday that plain out asked, “How’s your time with God?”, and the precious girl I mentor (who recently should mentor me I think) who said, “I could see in your face that you are struggling.” I need people to be honest with me and to be real with me and understand me and still believe in me. Sometimes I just forget my purpose (as I have talked about in other blogs) and I lose my direction and I don’t listen or pay attention to my Guide (Jesus). I wake up and pray that I can go back to sleep, not hear what He wants to tell me and because this was clearly pointed out to me within the past 24 hours, when I woke up at 1:00 last night, I said (in probably not such a polite way) to God, “What are you teaching me?” The only word that was clear was obedience… the only word that is clear is obedience. I’m really good at telling others what to do, not always so good at following the direction myself when it’s something I didn’t come up with or something that I want to do. I woke up with the word “Obedience” still all around me and then decided that I hated everything I had to wear today, I boiled over my the last of my chai tea, and I was stressed out all of a sudden. Welcome to the Great Struggle.
As I’m sulking and complaining to myself today, I come across this situation (for lack of a better word). J (one of my unhappy children) comes into 1st period and because he is more stubborn than I am, I have to at least aggravate him a little. So I look at him with the biggest smile I can muster up and say, “Good morning sunshine.” He laughs his not so nice laugh and I laugh at myself for getting such a kick out of something so ridiculous. He carries on, acts like a crazy person in class and eventually gets in trouble and has to change seats. He doesn’t complain (out loud at least) and then we go about the day as normal. Later in the day, after I have been just completely ticked off by a couple of kids, I’m standing in the hall and I see J. He looks at me with this huge, guilty grin and says, “Good morning sunshine!” What an irritation really and a laugh at the same time. He looked like he had just won the lottery (or just satisfied himself by torturing one of his other teachers) and I think to myself… I really set myself up for that one! In the midst of my great struggle, my frustration, my irritation, my annoyance, my whatever you want to call it… God chooses the strangest people in my life to point out exactly what I don’t want to see in myself. I’m fighting with this as I write, as I am still unhappy about it and happy at the same time. So what do we do with this Great Struggle? What do I do with it? Where do I go from here?
Another thing that happened to me today was an e-mail… a God send e-mail that made me cry in the middle of my prep. (Not like it’s taken much lately to make me cry but still.) In this e-mail, this teacher friend of mine says, “Teach your kids to dream. Not little dreams, big dreams. I mean, if you are going to dream, make it the biggest one you can, right?” Now I realize this was more about the kids but it hit me right in the face. Part of my struggle has come from a lack of dreaming, a lack of believing, a lack of seeing things as God sees them and as I was thinking about this and some other things that were said in the e-mail on my drive home from school… it was as if God said, “Why did you let those things go? Why did you decide I wouldn’t give you what I gave you to dream of in the first place? Why wouldn’t you be good enough to receive a gift like a dream?” Maybe those are things you should think about too… maybe you are in the Great Struggle too… the Great Struggle that we call “life.” (Unfortunately for you is if you think you’re out of it and you’re still breathing?… Well, good luck on that one.)
May you learn to dream in this struggle, as you admit that you struggle and hear the voice of God speaking obedience and learning to love and give and make a difference. I’m there… it hurts and it comforts all at the same time. I see and feel your pain and am praying that God teaches you who He is all over again… even in the sweet life and time He has given us.
-Melissa
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