One is NOT enough. It's a lie. Sorry.... (but sorry I'm not sorry?)

But you know how I am. I'm actually not sorry at all. At all, at all, on this one. Because I am adamant and impatient and tired of people who make up stupid rules and things we follow. 

Sunday night, I was walking into church and James, the student pastor, stopped me and said, "Happy Mother's Day and I mean that because you have more kids than anyone sitting in that room." It took a lot out of me to not cry at that very second. Holidays are hard without family and when you feel a little purposeless but he's right... I have a dang huge group of crazies. All mine. All non-genetic crazies... taught crazy.

Today, I read a message from a student I've had this year who recently decided to go to a different school so he could take more classes at a time. He said this in his struggling English:

"I could not tell all the thanks that I want say, thanks for all ms, I never forget every single thing that you do you do for me, thanks for believe in me, trust me, when I come to this country all the people that I knew, told me that in this country nobody helped to anybody here, thanks for change that, you have a big, so big heart, i wish a lot success in your life."

You're telling me one is enough?

One is never enough.

Tell my boy who sent this message that one is enough... what if he came too late or didn't speak English well enough for me to stop and see him? He's not my only kid... he's not. And he knew that. His care was singled out because of his effort but I have a one in every class throughout the day. (on a bad day!) I saw a post earlier that said if you can impact one student by the end of the year, then you've done your work or something... really? I could not disagree more. One is not enough.  And I could argue this with you all day long, which would be the biggest waste of my time ever.

If I have 75 students come into my classroom and I have impacted one, I fail. I used to have 150-200 every day, imagine that I only picked one? I would be a terrible teacher!

If the case is that I only impact one, I don't do my job. I fail the 74 who walk in and out that are never impacted. That makes me a crappy person and a crappy human being. ((My kids don't know they are my favorite and most stressful project/love.)) I'm going to ask them the hard questions and get on their level and ask them what's wrong when they least expect it (hence the crying weeks I have sometimes).

I hate the fairness argument but I love it all the same. I'm NOT saying that I impact every kid. You should know that I don't get along with a lot of snotty high school girls because they are snotty high school girls and they don't want to get along. There's some kids that don't click with me but really love some of their other teachers and I've gotten to the point to where I'm okay with that.

BUT, if we go back to the 'one theory' how fair am I to the 75 kids I have when I'm basically telling them... "Hey, you know what? I have only one kid to impact this year and if you're the lucky one, you might be it!" That sounds stupid and if you're angry about this whole thing, it's because you love the one theory. The 'one' theory makes me cringe. It makes me hurt and it makes me wonder whether my teachers thought I was good enough to the be 'the one' in my classes. My teachers didn't see it like that. We were all equally annoying and equally loved.

I'm glad my parents didn't believe the 'one' theory. They didn't pick favorites. Tell me how ridiculous parents would look if they had three kids and said, "If I can spend my life and impact one." They would be considered the worst parents of all time and I would have to agree with them. They're the worst.

What if nurses and doctors believed the one theory? "Well, we got to one today!" Well, I'm sorry but you had 15 patients in a night and 24 appointments. I think they all expected to be impacted in some way!

The starfish story is one of my favorites but it's also baloney. What that little boy was doing was taking handfuls of starfish and making a difference to them... to the many... to the masses. No one told you that part because they don't want to make you feel bad. What he was actually looking for was a bucket so he could pick them up in larger quantities. So he could make bigger and better change. He did impact the ones he threw back one by one but it was still done in mass. They may have felt the effects were individual but they were also thankful for the friends and family of starfish who were tossed back in too.

Dear friends-- please stop believing that your life was placed here to impact one person. It may only be one person a day or one person that week but what if the true reality was that we could impact one person per hour? That changes our 1 to 24 and our 1 to 48. What if I we just went with one a day? We could impact 365 people a year.

Now tell me what you would prefer... 1 or 24? 1 or 365? I'll take the 365 and wear myself out over it because someone believed I was the one but I was the one worth it in the moment... those people are now impacting other people and the cycle reproduces. Stop believing the lie.

You were meant for more. SO. much. more. And so was I. And it's not going to be easy but you will be thankful in the end. Because maybe only one will actually tell you what you meant to them. The other 74 won't say a word, but you impacted them all the same. The one just was brave enough to say thanks.
-Melis

A place of rest, a refuge.. when I trust.

I work myself up like no other. If it's unexpected, then whatever. If it's planned, my over analytical is a hot mess. (and my over analytical refers to my minute, tiny brain.)

...Rewind back to the Friday before Spring Break when one of my boys broke down. Something about March and Fridays and families makes my boys cave. And they break my heart. Sweet thing just needed to get a lot out of his head and heart and he cried real tears and I cried too and we both just stood there and cried and that's how my Spring Break started. With tears. Lots of them. He said some of the most meaningful things to me though in the midst of the seeming mess when I reminded them that there was absolutely nothing wrong with what he had as his goals for his future. These are some of the things he said...

'No one else is like you.'

'No one else thinks like you do.'

'No one else believes the same things you do.' 

'I've been here for 4 or 5 years and I've never met anyone like you.'

STOP. You stop it right there. My heart was feeling about four hundred emotions at this point because I know a lot of the time I'm one of the only ones that does believe the things I do in the environment that I'm in. That's not the first time I've been told that. It's not the first time I've believed statements like that about myself either. It's not the first time I've known that. I got a message from one of my boys from 8th grade today asking me to come to an art show of his. I literally haven't heard from him in 3 or 4 years. There's something God is doing in me that I can't always see but he does.

...and sometimes Satan has a hay day with it. He makes it a challenge and I get really confused about what is right and wrong and what I should and should not do. And I get myself in a worked up mess, physically sick mess when God is just like, "Are you ready to start being normal and stop being so over dramatic now?" A lot of times, my answer is something like, "No but thanks for asking," "Give me a minute (or hour) on that one, would you?," or the normal say nothing and pretend that He can't see what you're doing or can't hear what you're thinking (or saying out loud if you're me) nonsense. I realize this seems completely over the top and ridiculous but I'm just being real with you.

A lot of times when Jesus wrecks my life and turns things upside down, He opens up my eyes to see things that I can't otherwise and I become overly sensitive and nervous about all of it. What if I mess it up? What if I don't know what to say? What if I do the wrong thing? What if... what if... what if... if the Guinness Book of World Records could see inside my brain, I feel certain I would hold a record for thinking the most ridiculous thoughts within seconds.

"...do not worry about what to say or how to say it. At that time you will be given what to say, for it will not be you speaking, but the Spirit of your Father speaking through you." (Matthew 10:19b-20)

What if I turned my what if questions around and asked God what He wanted to use me for?

What if He took everything I know about Christianity and God out the window and replaced all of the nonsense with His word clear and true?

What if He completely wrecked my emotions as a means to get my attention?

Likely... all of those things likely. And really, all of those things really happening. I'm the moving feet and the gentle hands and the soft tears and the warm smile and the refuge of Jesus to some of my kids. A place where they can trust and seek peace. I may be the first (and prayerfully, not the last), but I know that He has placed me exactly where He wants me for a reason and those kids are a big part of that reason. -Melis

"Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him. He alone is my rock and salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken. My salvation and my honor depend on God; he is my mighty rock, my refuge. Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge." Psalm 62:5-8

Does listening to a marriage sermon ever get easier?

I have to be just gut honest. When I realized what 1 Peter 3 was about this morning after a beautiful presentation about the Gospel, I wanted to leave the church service. Seeing that this would be inappropriate, I sat and just wondered/prayed if there would be any message/hope for the single girl sitting in the middle of the room who wants to be married. Aka me. Sermons about marriage are not always easy for me. Okay, honestly, they're never easy.

I was having a wonderful morning after battling a little "Why you are you still single and lonely and boring" pretty much the whole weekend. I desperately needed rest this and to catch up on sleep and naps and eating at home but I was excited about going to church this morning and to lunch after. It was the longest I've been out of the house all weekend because sometimes I need to hibernate because my introverted self can't take so many people so many times.

When I walked into church, there was nothing weird or strange and my anticipation wasn't heightened or not there, it was just a pretty normal church feeling (which is not bad for me either). We're singing and then I'm not because I kept thinking about a book I read this morning and I'm analyzing in my head whether what we are doing is really glorifying God or not. (These are the things I'm thinking about while I'm carrying on conversations with you most of the time and I'm sorry. As sorry as I can be anyways.) When we sat down to start the message and I realized it was on husbands and wives, my heart just sank.

The same way that a heart sinks in sermons about children for the mother who is not able to have kids or has lost a child. The same way that a heart sinks about marriage and legacy for the spouse who has lost a spouse. The same way Father's Day is hard for the child who's lost his or her Father and Mother's Day is hard for the woman who doesn't feel she's good enough to be a mom. Or a spouse who's husband or wife is deployed on Veteran's Day and Memorial Day. Life just isn't easy and that's real. Sermons aren't easy to hear and that's real. 

I'm so thankful to Jesus that I was sitting with Shannon and Carson, because otherwise, I would have just cried throughout the entire service and have been so angry because marriage sermons are hard for me. The only brief break I felt was when I could think about politics for a few minutes and trying to figure out what other people were thinking but that didn't really make any difference. The only time being single was addressed was in the prayer at the end when they asked us to pray for our future spouse if we desired to be married. I just cried. Plain cried.

I'm not sure what the church is supposed to do really here. I understand that when you're teaching through a book of the Bible, you can't pick and choose what is taught (nor can you at any other time really) so you can't skip over husbands and wives and such because it's there. It's also not that I have a problem with it being there or with them preaching on it. It's just hard to sit through it when you're not "there" so to say.

I do want to be married and to have someone to live life with and go on adventures with and travel with and talk to and vent to and listen to and learn from and love well. And I don't want to just be married to be married or to say I'm married. And I realize that marriage does not solve problems or make life easier or make anything less complicated because I completely believe that it changes everything but when something you want is something you can't have at the moment, it's a little bit difficult to sit and pray and patiently wait or take notes for something that doesn't apply at the moment. I didn't even play the comparison game like I usually do today. (Miracles do happen.) I am just begging God to either help me be content in the process or just help me be content in the process.

Still praying and believing that Jesus is sending a sweet man to me who loves Him more than anything else. I know he won't be perfect and it probably won't be anything like everything in my head but I'm okay with that. I want to walk with a man who loves Jesus and loves people and the rest of it, we can figure out in the process.

I don't know if listening to marriage sermons will ever be easier for me while I'm single (which seems like a million years so far) but I do know that I can trust God to know what's best and that can be enough at this moment. I may question it in 5 minutes but He's pretty patient with me even though I'm not with Him. I'm really grateful for that. Still praying. Thanks for listening. -Melis

Messy hair. Pretty nails. All ears. Blind men.

Life is so complicated that I cannot begin to express the nth in which I believe this. You never know it when you're young and sheltered and then you grow up and realize that life wasn't all that easy then either. You just had some Angels, parents and grandparents and loving people, who guarded all of that yuck-o stuff from you. 

In all the pictures of adult women, they always looked so put together. I mean, honestly, how do I not wash my hair and I'm dirty and a celebrity doesn't wash her hair and its a thing. How is that a thing really? Last week, I pinned my hair back three days in a row-- it was wet and messy and falling everywhere and I really could have cared less because I was so tired in the morning. Thursday afternoon, one of my compassionate "sons" was like you look really nice today, you fixed your hair.... Implying wow, you have tools and items at your house that allow you to style your hair so you look like a decent human being. Barely, son, barely. 

Another one of my boys had been having a rough week, and I had been patiently asking AKA nagging him to no end, trying to figure out what was wrong. When he broke it down for me while my entire class was outside, my ears miraculously opened and I could hear him... Actually listen to what he was saying and hear him and see him for what was really going on. I thought my lack of sleep called for a messy hair day and the vain attempt at pretty nails to cover up the mess in my brain that was kind of falling apart. I'm just like that sometimes so once k finally had myself together on the outside, I was possibly approachable for a kid who's inside is coming apart. 

The crowd rebuked them and told them to be quiet but they shouted all the louder, "Lord, Son of David, have mercy on us!" 

Jesus stopped and called them. "What do you want me to do for you?" He asked.

"Lord," they answered, "we want our sight."

Jesus had compassion on them and to used their eyes. Immediately they received their sight and followed them. 

(Matthew 20:31-34)

Jesus sat with my boy and all his words from his brain and took my messy mind and cleared it for a moment. He gave me ears and him sight. For the first time in a bit that I remembered. So today, when he stared off into space, with tear-rimmed eyes... I knew that my seemingly uncomplicated life needed to pause and take notice for a minute to fill up a space and open my ears. My messy hair and messy nail beds and put together outside didn't make any difference but it gave me a minute. A minute to pass the rebukes of the world who tells me all the freaking time to stop listening to kids and stop investing in my job and to take more time for myself. Those voices were shut down and silenced and it was the men, "Lord, we want our sight." The words changed a little, "I want to be seen and heard."

But Jesus's compassion remains the same. Constant in every rebuke and complicated life. In every moment that makes no sense to us. In ever injustice. It covers up vain attempts on the outside with beautiful righteousness and He puts His hands and feet on us and they get to be seen by those who get to receive their sight. A beautiful picture to be seen, especially if you've ever walked through darkness or being blind. 

May He heal my blindness and your blindness too. And may we stop covering up the little things in our lives but let His love and grace and compassion cover and spill over.

-Melis 

A note to self on a crappy day.

It's been a while since I've posted. It's been a crazy month and a half and I've given myself a pretty hard time more than once. I've had a few, okay maybe a lot, of bad days. That's just real life. So today was crappy and I was sick yesterday so I decided to write myself a little note that I will also allow you to read... Here tis.

Dear self on a crappy day,

It's okay to have a bad day. It really is. Sometimes there's a few in a row and you just do what you tell your kids to do, you suck it up. "Don't take your anger out on everyone else." Or is that just something you say to kids but don't really mean? Yeah, it was a frustrating morning and you were really tired and that happens.

Your kids were glad you were back at school because the substitute teacher was so weird. It's okay for you to file a formal complaint (as formal as you get) on him. It's also okay that he threw your kids work that they weren't even supposed to do in the trash can. Oh wait, that's not okay and yes, you were justified in giving them a free pass for a warm-up for a day. Your third period didn't listen to you, they usually don't but let's focus on the positive for a second. At least a few of them turned in their missing work and one of the girls you've been worried about did promise to bring everything she owns regarding school tomorrow. So yeah, you're a little disappointed about a few other things and you took a few things personally that probably shouldn't have been taken personally but sometimes people do mean for you to take them personally and you give people the benefit of the doubt a lot but you don't HAVE to talk to those people. So here's a few pieces of advice that maybe you'll remember on a crappy day...

1. People that aren't personal don't say things for you to take them personally. They're just saying things. You know what you know about yourself and that's done.

2. It's okay for you to get mad at a kid because they're treating you crappy because they just need to talk for a minute about what a terrible day they're having and they had a bad day yesterday too and you weren't there. And they sent you a message to make sure you would be at school today.

3. Talking to kids is like talking to brick walls 74.3% of the time. They're just hard to work with. Give yourself some grace, you're working your butt off.

4. You don't have to take everyone's advice because a lot of people don't know what they're talking about. Be wise in who you listen to and stop comparing yourself to other people. They don't make it any better. And comparing yourself doesn't make it any better, just worse, so take your own advice and remember that Roosevelt was right when he said, "Comparison is the thief of joy." You will never be someone else and those kids adore who you are.

5. One of your kids asked if you were stressed and he was definitely concerned. It's okay that you automatically thought, "Stressed backwards spells desserts," because you only ate a 60 calorie soup for lunch. What exactly were you thinking there?? So getting your ice cream after school was completely justified, even if it was out of your pocket money envelope. You still had it-- I'll show you Dave Ramsey.

6. There are a lot of people who care about you even when you don't feel like it. Sometimes we make choices over feelings and sometimes those feelings are really real. It's okay to be sensitive. It doesn't make you too much or not enough-- it just makes you YOU. And that's totally okay. That's what people already like about you anyways.

Now, go eat your dessert and cry a few minutes and take a breath and think of the small moments you missed today in stress and relive those for a while. It will get better, it always does. And you can still hate cliches and believe them at the same time-- that's completely normal.

Love, Melis

A tiny Shepherd. Enough.

I was sitting at my sister and brother-in-law's church yesterday through two services as they led worship with the band. Most people just judge the 2nd service or play games on their iPhones but I was intrigued in the first one and couldn't help but listen and write through the 2nd. Pastor Chan talked about not being afraid, how the angel called the shepherds in the fields to "not be afraid" and go see the baby Jesus. He explained and justified all of their fears-- inadequacies, lack of education, lack of self worth, slaves, unloved... And then he talked through why we feel that way a lot of the time and why it was important for them to leave fear and go see Jesus. The beauty for me is that Jesus loves the underdog. He always has-- reaching out to those cast down and out by society and healing them, restoring them to their righteous places. What an adoration and love I have for that part of Jesus's heart. 

I penned these words during the second service hoping to identify what it was they felt and I think God softened my heart for the shepherds and let me see something more. Praying that this season is a gift for you in more than presents under the tree. This tiny Shepherd is so much more than enough. So. Much. More. 

-Melis

We were out in the field,

As we had been for days, 

Guarding our cattle and sheep.

Wondering. Wandering. Wondering.

One night, as we were, 

an angel appeared to us,

To tell us to not be afraid, 

A Savior had been born. 

We were to go see Him. Us?

Many of us, slaves. Sons. Worthless. 

Not believing that we were

The ones being told to go. 

This baby, a Savior, the Messiah.

We were unworthy, unloved and inadequate. 

Outcast by religion and society

Religion proved our unworthiness.

We were poor.

Marginalized. Uneducated. Unwanted.

But we were good shepherds--

We knew the voice of a Master. 

And the angel spoke with authority from God. This was Good News.

We took our flocks without fear and went

To see the Anointed One. 

We were not afraid- 

We had been told the Truth. 

We went to see this tiny Shepherd. 

This small one lying in a manger

Surrounded by love in a mother and father. And us. 

We knew that He was more than a babe in a trough. 

We praised God as we left and shared our story with everyone we knew. 

"Love came down and rescued me. 

Love came down and set me free. 

'I am Yours. I am forever Yours.'

Mountain high and valley low. 

I sing out and remind my soul,

'I am Yours. I am forever yours.'"

Those were the words we sang- 

Forever. In our coming and going.

The words of a deep reminder that a Tiny Shepherd would guide us and keep us and regard us as enough.

That would make our poverty-

Enough.

That would take our lack of education, self worth, and finances-

Enough. 

That would walk with us through the highest mountains and lowest valleys-

And be more than enough. 

A Tiny Shepherd.

   Who removed our fears 

And made us fearless. 

   Enough. 

(Lyrics to "Love Came Down" written by Brian Johnson. I'm familiar with Kari Jobe's version and they sang this yesterday at the end of each service.)

When God gives us something else.

I was sitting on a stool at a counter next to Suria. We were talking about the Freedom Climb and their busy season. She asked me about how I was doing. How was school? How was life in Vegas? I teared up because God had flown me across the whole world to spend 8 cold weeks in Africa. I imagined that he would take me back to the states to pack and raise support for a year before I would return. Coming back to the states, I was absolutely certain that God wanted me in Las Vegas. I had no idea the adorable little loves He would purposely place in my life that next year but He knew. He could see something I could not.

Rewind back to my last year of college. I received a text message from a guy who had basically said he could not imagine life without me. We had talked back and forth for some time then. Now, in hind sight, I realize how scary a texting romance is but I was naive and clueless and desperate for a relationship. I would feed any attention I received. Thinking I would probably be married in the next year, I planned out my wedding and bridesmaids and location and flowers and all with no Pinterest inspiration. My imagination did work Pinterest will never possess the power to control. But I didn't marry him. He didn't really imagine spending the rest of his life with me and my heart was crushed for some time as it had been before with multiple men who claim to know what the one looks like, when they were so clueless, I could throw up. 

So here I am at 30. Having gone through more than one seasonal depression, more than one relationship, more than one moment of delusion, and definitely many moments of asking God where I was supposed to live and why. 

I know little. But I do know that sometimes when God seems disappointing, He is just disapproving of what I want. Because He loves me enough to see past the end of my nose and see much farther into a future that is absolutely delightful to His Kingdom. 

It hurts. It hurts a lot. So this morning, when I sang that sometimes God "keeps me in the valley," I really believe it. He has and in the process, He has kept me from myself and the dangers I provoke and promote and endear. The waiting is never easy and constantly wondering what comes next is a slow burn but I'm praying for more trust. For bolder faith. For braver prayers. For courage to see myself the way He sees me. 

Praying for you because I can't imagine I'm the only one who has ever struggled or wondered over this. I just can't be. 

-Melis