I was having a wonderful morning after battling a little "Why you are you still single and lonely and boring" pretty much the whole weekend. I desperately needed rest this and to catch up on sleep and naps and eating at home but I was excited about going to church this morning and to lunch after. It was the longest I've been out of the house all weekend because sometimes I need to hibernate because my introverted self can't take so many people so many times.
When I walked into church, there was nothing weird or strange and my anticipation wasn't heightened or not there, it was just a pretty normal church feeling (which is not bad for me either). We're singing and then I'm not because I kept thinking about a book I read this morning and I'm analyzing in my head whether what we are doing is really glorifying God or not. (These are the things I'm thinking about while I'm carrying on conversations with you most of the time and I'm sorry. As sorry as I can be anyways.) When we sat down to start the message and I realized it was on husbands and wives, my heart just sank.
The same way that a heart sinks in sermons about children for the mother who is not able to have kids or has lost a child. The same way that a heart sinks about marriage and legacy for the spouse who has lost a spouse. The same way Father's Day is hard for the child who's lost his or her Father and Mother's Day is hard for the woman who doesn't feel she's good enough to be a mom. Or a spouse who's husband or wife is deployed on Veteran's Day and Memorial Day. Life just isn't easy and that's real. Sermons aren't easy to hear and that's real.
I'm so thankful to Jesus that I was sitting with Shannon and Carson, because otherwise, I would have just cried throughout the entire service and have been so angry because marriage sermons are hard for me. The only brief break I felt was when I could think about politics for a few minutes and trying to figure out what other people were thinking but that didn't really make any difference. The only time being single was addressed was in the prayer at the end when they asked us to pray for our future spouse if we desired to be married. I just cried. Plain cried.
I'm not sure what the church is supposed to do really here. I understand that when you're teaching through a book of the Bible, you can't pick and choose what is taught (nor can you at any other time really) so you can't skip over husbands and wives and such because it's there. It's also not that I have a problem with it being there or with them preaching on it. It's just hard to sit through it when you're not "there" so to say.I do want to be married and to have someone to live life with and go on adventures with and travel with and talk to and vent to and listen to and learn from and love well. And I don't want to just be married to be married or to say I'm married. And I realize that marriage does not solve problems or make life easier or make anything less complicated because I completely believe that it changes everything but when something you want is something you can't have at the moment, it's a little bit difficult to sit and pray and patiently wait or take notes for something that doesn't apply at the moment. I didn't even play the comparison game like I usually do today. (Miracles do happen.) I am just begging God to either help me be content in the process or just help me be content in the process.
Still praying and believing that Jesus is sending a sweet man to me who loves Him more than anything else. I know he won't be perfect and it probably won't be anything like everything in my head but I'm okay with that. I want to walk with a man who loves Jesus and loves people and the rest of it, we can figure out in the process.
I don't know if listening to marriage sermons will ever be easier for me while I'm single (which seems like a million years so far) but I do know that I can trust God to know what's best and that can be enough at this moment. I may question it in 5 minutes but He's pretty patient with me even though I'm not with Him. I'm really grateful for that. Still praying. Thanks for listening. -Melis
I'm sorry to hear that you go through this, I know the feeling of being lonely, but I won't try to say that i completely understand what you feel. I've come to a point in my walk where i don't if i'm meant to be with someone or if i'm just at a point in my life where marriage is not my focus. For a while i tried to find and date people hoping to fall in love or find "the one" but it never went anywhere. Then finally I gave up and gave it to God basically with the statement "it's in Your hands, if i'm suppose to be with someone then tell me, but until then i'll focus on You."
ReplyDeleteI won't lie, i want to fall in love, get married, have kids, and do all sorts of things like that, but i'm finally getting it in my head that i can't do anything without God. Instead of running around though i'm being calm and waiting on God. I don't know if i'll ever marry and on the flip side i might end up falling in love with the woman God sends tomorrow. It's in His hands though, and i'm just trying to have patience and learn in the wait.
We share a struggle and i believe we also share a blessing. I know you've probably heard a thousand times "God is sending you someone, just wait," and while its true during the in between believers need to strengthen one another. The wait is worth it, i'm convinced it always is. Sometimes God just wants to stretch us so we can see how strong He is.
Hope you are well, God bless
Tom