When God gives us something else.

I was sitting on a stool at a counter next to Suria. We were talking about the Freedom Climb and their busy season. She asked me about how I was doing. How was school? How was life in Vegas? I teared up because God had flown me across the whole world to spend 8 cold weeks in Africa. I imagined that he would take me back to the states to pack and raise support for a year before I would return. Coming back to the states, I was absolutely certain that God wanted me in Las Vegas. I had no idea the adorable little loves He would purposely place in my life that next year but He knew. He could see something I could not.

Rewind back to my last year of college. I received a text message from a guy who had basically said he could not imagine life without me. We had talked back and forth for some time then. Now, in hind sight, I realize how scary a texting romance is but I was naive and clueless and desperate for a relationship. I would feed any attention I received. Thinking I would probably be married in the next year, I planned out my wedding and bridesmaids and location and flowers and all with no Pinterest inspiration. My imagination did work Pinterest will never possess the power to control. But I didn't marry him. He didn't really imagine spending the rest of his life with me and my heart was crushed for some time as it had been before with multiple men who claim to know what the one looks like, when they were so clueless, I could throw up. 

So here I am at 30. Having gone through more than one seasonal depression, more than one relationship, more than one moment of delusion, and definitely many moments of asking God where I was supposed to live and why. 

I know little. But I do know that sometimes when God seems disappointing, He is just disapproving of what I want. Because He loves me enough to see past the end of my nose and see much farther into a future that is absolutely delightful to His Kingdom. 

It hurts. It hurts a lot. So this morning, when I sang that sometimes God "keeps me in the valley," I really believe it. He has and in the process, He has kept me from myself and the dangers I provoke and promote and endear. The waiting is never easy and constantly wondering what comes next is a slow burn but I'm praying for more trust. For bolder faith. For braver prayers. For courage to see myself the way He sees me. 

Praying for you because I can't imagine I'm the only one who has ever struggled or wondered over this. I just can't be. 

-Melis